And I Don't Wanna Let It Go

Dear Rory,

The letters are coming few and far between. It's been more than a year since the last one. I have been putting this off for a while now. Throughout this last summer you have been haunting my thoughts. Popping up here and there without warning and I have to say, it's not always sad, but it isn't always happy.

We had the group over in July to say goodbye to Bob and Elena, and I caught myself imagining what you would be doing if you were there. Playing 500 with the guys, having deep conversations with the kids, complaining that we didn't have music playing. I really wanted you there.

We got to see Paul and Karen this summer at their new place. It is beautiful. It has been so long since we have seen them and I was glad we were able to meet up. I was so excited to see them and when Karen came out to hug me...I just cried. Well, so did she. This odd mixture of happiness and sadness. I think we could see it in each other. We both needed that hug.

Life continues to move on and to be honest, I'm not quite sure how to feel about you anymore. Grateful that I knew you, angry with your death, devastated at the thought of never getting to talk to you again. Memories about you aren't as painful as they used to be, but the dark cloud of sadness isn't far behind as the memories fade.

I wish the girls could have spent time with you. Natalie is such an amazing kid. If anyone could convince you that you were worth loving it would be her. Macie would benefit from your lessons on charm, although at this point it would just be tips. And Evie, she would pour over comics with you all day. You would have enjoyed them and they would have loved you.

Grief, sadness, memories, time. I just have to continue to navigate through it. I do believe things will get better, but I will never let you go.

I miss you.
I still wish you were here.
Gina

Believe

Dear Rory,

It's been a year. A year since my last letter to you. I heard someone say "the days are long but the years go by so fast." It is so true. You would have been 36 on Saturday. You committed suicide 5 years ago today. At this moment 5 years ago, Brian and I were comforting our friends in our home. I didn't cry. I kept busy. I talked and held the kleenex while others sobbed with broken hearts. I didn't cry.

Brian and I took the next day off and went to your apartment. I didn't cry. There were the stickers from the envelopes you sealed all over your little room. Your bed was cleared of everything. Your clothes were scattered everywhere. You stopped caring about caring for yourself. We worked our way through your stuff. CD's, clothes, trash, mail...everything. I was on a mission. I was determined at that moment to clean up your space because you were worth it. It gave my brain and my hands something to do. I think we stayed for a couple of hours. I would have stayed all day but Brian couldn't handle it anymore, and rightfully so. It was too much. I took a sweatshirt. Your white and orange Texas sweatshirt. It still smelled like you. I have it in a bin downstairs. One day, I promise to wear it.

I got through the next couple of days until your funeral. I sat with the other women whose husbands were giving speeches during the service. I sat with those women and held their hands as our husbands said goodbye to their friend. Brian went last. He was paying tribute to the guy who ALWAYS had to go last. I didn't cry. I wanted Brian to be able to look at someone who wasn't crying so he could say what he wanted to say and be strong. Then the service was over and I couldn't move. I remember not being able to move my legs very well. They were dead weight. Then, all of a sudden, my heart was ripped open and I cried. I cried so hard, I couldn't breathe. Brian moved me outside of the worship space and set me on a bench. I don't remember much  after that besides people sitting next to me, taking turns holding me up. At least, I think that's what happened.

So many pieces of those couple of days are clear to me. I remember your hair as I hugged you after you gave your speech at our house the night of the party...the last time we saw you.  I remember that hug and how I wanted to hold on to you longer, but then feeling you pull away before I was ready to be done holding you. (If that's not a metaphor for this whole situation, I don't know what is.) I remember the call from your employer saying you hadn't showed up for work and how both Brian and I talked to her and told her that you were ok. We just saw you the Saturday before and you seemed really good; not to worry. I remember Brian's face when he walked into my classroom  the next day to tell me you were dead. I remember holding him and how he had to tell me what you had done. I remember our friends faces as they walked into our house overwhelmed with grief. I remember your room and the things in it.

And everyday I remember how much I love you. How you helped Brian become the person he is because of who you were. I am grateful for that relationship. And for ours.

I still have anger. Not as much as I used to have, but it's there. I know it is because it is heavy. And, I carry it around knowing that if I forgave you, I would feel lighter. I'm just not there yet. Maybe one day. Maybe that day, I will put on that sweatshirt and cry happy tears, not sad ones.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hate that you are not here.
Gina

Just Breathe

Dear Rory,

Life goes on without you. This time of year always sneaks up on me. I don't know why. It's not like I don't know it's coming. I guess I just think that your birthday and your death day will pass without me having to go though all the emotion. Right now, I really don't want to go through all the emotion. I want to think "Happy Birthday Rory" and "I wish you were here" without everything that goes along with that for me. It is very frustrating.

Your birthday is difficult for me. I still feel like you should be here. Today I'm angry. I have been tempted lately to read your letter again. I have only read it once, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know there are pieces of you in that letter, but I feel like it is all the bad pieces. It's not all of you. I recognize that the bad was still a part of you but the good was so much more. Why didn't you know that.

I'm at the point now where I want to know about your whole life. When you were here, I couldn't bear hearing about a child being treated as if they didn't matter. Now, I want to know everything. I want to know about what happened to you. You were physically changed because of what you went through and the only thing that is constantly goes through my mind when I think of you is...it isn't fair.

You got what you wanted by ending your life and I don't get to have what I want.
I want you to meet Evie
I want you to meet some other really cool people that have become our friends
I want you to see the new Batman movies
I want to play cards with you again
I want to give you a hug
I want to tell you I love you
I want to tell you not to go
I want to wish you Happy Birthday in person and not on some stupid blog
I want to punch you in the face
I want to listen to you and Brian argue about something really dumb
I want to hear you laugh again
I want to know you can hear me
I want another day with you

It's not fair that I have to keep writing these letters.
I miss you.
I'm sad.
I love you still.
Gina

We'll All Float On Alright

Dear Rory,

Yep. Its been about that long since I have written you a letter. You come sneaking up on me when I least expect it. I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it definitely is a thing.

This week it was Natalie. We were at church and instead of having the prayers of the people read by one person, sometimes the congregation writes their prayers down and we bring them up to a basket at the front of the church. Sunday was one of those times. I asked Natalie if there was anyone she wanted to pray for, if she knew of anyone who was sick that she wanted to feel better. She said "Rory." I was completely caught off guard.

Her prayer went something like this (with some guidance from me):
Dear God, I hope Rory feels better now that he is up in heaven with you. Love Natalie.

Then, today Brian and I were cleaning out our room and he found a notebook with a score sheet in it. It was the last time we played "Jables" with you. Not to mention all the pictures from your funeral that we had hidden in a drawer because we couldn't look at them anymore.

Finally, in a conversation that Brian had with his aunt about music, Modest Mouse's Float On was brought up. All day it has been playing in my head. Maybe this is the next stage of my grief. Maybe it is the next stage of understanding my faith. Am I letting you go?  Is God trying to heal my heart? I'm not sure about any of that. What I am sure about is that it's a damn good song.

I miss you terribly.
I love you dearly.
I'm sad you're not here.
Gina

Happy Birthday Rory

34.
Miss you.

All the Live Long Day

Dear Rory,

I feel the need to write to you when big events happen in my life. Brian and I welcomed our third daughter, Evie, into our lives on June 24th. As much as I want to believe that you already know this and were there in many ways; it is because you were not there to see her, hold her and hug Brian and I, I experience loss all over again. I will tell you that for a long time Brian and I talked about naming this child Rory. If the baby was a boy we wanted to incorporate your name in his middle name. If the baby was a girl, we thought a lot about calling her Rory. Ultimately I couldn't do it. Even though it has been almost three years since your death, it still feels too new and continues to be painful for me to think about.

Brian was back at Como recently and went down to go to the tracks. He wanted to see where you ended your life and have an image of what it looked like there. He made the decision not to tell me he was going. After your death, when he first mentioned that he wanted to go there, I was insistent on wanting someone to be there with him. But, I see now that it was something he needed to do alone. The weekend after he visited the tracks, the guys got together for a game at Target Field and came to our house for Strato on Sunday; Shane was even in town so it was just like how it used to be. It was so fun to have all the guys at the house again. But, all the while, there was an underlying sadness that kept tugging at me...Rory should be here.

My sadness was different this time. I didn't cry. Even though this sadness has continued, the tears haven't come. Grief continues to surprise me. I'm not so naive to think that they won't return, but I haven't missed them, and for now, I won't think about it.

Another thought I had this past week was I don't think that I ever told you that I loved you. You wouldn't have believed me, and my guess is that you would have made some joke or diversion to get around the sincerity of it, but it crossed my mind. So, I will tell you now for my own peace of mind and heart.

I will miss you forever.
I will love you always.
Gina

Do I start to blog again? Or Not...

I have recently switched to this blog site because the one I was using previously was blocked at work. I also like that this blog is a google application and I use some of their apps already. The last post on the other blog was another letter to Rory. I am glad I still write them and think that it is very therapeutic for me when I am feeling very emotional about him. However, there has been a lot going on in the past six months that I would like to touch on as well. So, here goes...

September: The school year started off great and after going back and forth about having another child, Brian and I decided, why not. Unfortunately, the pregnancy didn't stick and we lost the baby at six weeks. Although this was hard, there was so much support and love surrounding me I got through that time okay. Natalie started her second year of preschool (two days a week) and, just like last year, loved school and her teacher. Macie continues to come into her own and started to talk a lot more. Molly who had been living with us for about 18 months bought her own town home and moved out. Brian and I are so proud of all of the steps she has made to move forward in her life.

October: We were told to wait, and didn't listen. October came around and I was pregnant...again. We are so blessed to not have fertility problems and everything felt different about this pregnancy. We made it to the apple orchard a couple of times and Halloween was a blast.

November: Nothing exciting. November was a boring month.

December: I started to show already and also found out that our neighbors were also going to be having a baby. We were all so excited. Got though Rory's birthday. Got through Rory's death day. The month seemed to fly by, but just in time for Christmas, Dec. 21, I started to bleed. I was 11 weeks and thought I was going to miscarry. I made it through the night without too much more bleeding and after another ultrasound it looked as if the baby was fine, but that I had a hemorrhage. We later found out that the placenta had tore away from the wall of my uterus and caused the bleed. I was put on bed rest and tried to learn what that meant. I still don't completely know.

January: I didn't return to work until I could see my Dr. and decide what was best for me and the baby. Our family, friends, neighbors and church surrounded us with support and prayers throughout the entire situation. It was amazing. I went back to work part time from the second week of January and was glad to be out of the house for part of the day. My father in law passed the winter time away by building the girls beautiful bunk beds which they absolutely love. I was also sent to a perinatologist to have a level 2 ultrasound done to check out how things were progressing with the baby. 20 weeks was the benchmark I had to make it to, so I had to continue to take it easy and just wait.

February: I had a birthday and Macie had a birthday. I can't believe she is 3. What an amazing little girl she has become. I also had my 20 week ultrasound with the perinatologist at which point he said "You healed yourself! I told you you would." And, life returned to normal...somewhat. The stress was gone and I went back to work full time. This was a very good thing. :)

March: March also came and went quickly. I was glad to be back at work full time and I think my students were glad too...I think. Now that the stress of a high risk pregnancy was gone my belly popped out more than ever and the baby was moving around like nothing was ever wrong. We continued to switch the playroom to a nursery and the name search had begun. Natalie wants a brother and Macie wants a sister, however when asked who gets to decide these things they both answer "God." Thats right little girls! Natalie has mentioned suggestions for names though: Boy: Trent, Girl: Sparkle. Thank you 4 year old.

April: April is well on its way and the baby is more active than ever. Both Brian and I thought that we would always have 3 girls, but we both get the feeling that this one is a boy. Heartrates continue to be between 150-155 bpm, but the movement just doesn't stop. Especially from 6-11pm.

All in all, we are loving life and can't wait for what the rest of the year has to bring us. I hope I can continue to find time to post on this blog. It is a way for me to journal and remember. If people read it, that's great, but really I just need a place to share and vent...whether anyone is listening or not. :)

When will the tears stop?

Dear Rory,

I'm home alone tonight and decided that this is the right moment to write you a letter. This week has been tougher than I thought it would be. I made it through most of the 15th just fine, only to break down while talking to a friend at school after the kids were gone. While talking to her, I realized it had been two years since I last saw you. The ache in my heart immediately came back. I miss you.

The rest of the week has been kind of funny in a weird way. After pulling myself together, I left school on Tuesday only to meet up with a train in Rosemount and, as if it were mocking me, the engine car stayed at my pace for 2 - 3 blocks. I could only laugh and shake my head. Fuck you, you bastard, humf. Me, Brian and the girls headed to IGH for dinner with Mom and Dad that night and on the way home I was trying to find something on the radio to listen to. I stopped on The Current only to hear Brother Ali. Really?! Brian could only giggle. Finally, yesterday while driving home, I again was flipping channels in the car, landed on The Current and what were they playing? The Streets. That band. That band that you brought to the house to listen to because, heaven forbid, we eat without music on. I hated the CD and got scolded for it. Are you just on my mind? Are these things coincidence? Do you have anything to do with it?

I'm not angry. At least I don't think I am. I am sad. I want the hole in my heart to be filled. That will never happen. I want December to come and I don't want to cry. I've found out the only way to do that is to be medicated and that's not such a bad idea. 

I can say that I don't think about you every day. To some extent, I'm glad about that. You come into my thoughts at least once a week, if not more, but not every day. Most of the time the memories are good ones. I can hear your laugh, see your charming smile and feel your warmth when you would let me give you a hug. It is now, during this time of year that the tears come. I will be glad to see them go.

Brian and I are going to have a third child. One more beautiful baby to bring into our family. You will never know that child. Natalie remembers you. Macie doesn't, but it is my memory of you holding her and interacting with her that I love. I will not have that with this child. Again, the tears come. 

Two years. Sometimes that feels like such a long time and others, not at all. How will I be feeling next year or in 5 or 10 years? Only time will tell.

I love you.

I miss you. 

Gina

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Unforgettable

Dear Rory,

I feel like I am forgetting you. I walk by your picture everyday in the hallway and try to look at it deliberately. Some days I smile and others I have to force myself to look. I don't feel like I am trying to push your memory away but every time I see something that reminds me of you, a picture, a song, your letter in the bottom of my drawer I find myself quickly turning away. I wish I wouldn't.

When listening to new music on the radio I am constantly thinking of you. Wondering if you would like the new stuff that is out right now. Wondering what kind of music you would come across that I would absolutely hate. Wonder, wonder, wonder and never get an answer. It's very frustrating for me.

For a long time now I haven't even minded seeing or hearing trains, but I think that too is coming full circle. When I see them, I see you. My mind doesn't get graphic, but the end result is always the same. 

I haven't cried for you in a long time either but as I continue to write you this letter, it seems that that too is coming full circle. I have a physical pain and tightening in my chest as I think about you. A huge portion of my anger is gone. What I am feeling now is a tremendous amount of sadness for you and me. You are no longer suffering but I am no longer able to see and talk to you in the way that I want to. 

I still think that you didn't have to commit suicide to end your suffering. My depression is so much less than yours. I still cannot fathom what you went through everyday in your head. I think I am a hopeless optimist. Where there is love there can be a solution. I am devastated that this wasn't the case for you.

I will forever love you and miss you.

Gina.

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I Just Can't Get Enough

On Feb. 16th 2009 I got my second tattoo. I have always wanted tattoos but I didn't expect to be as addicted as I already am. I am not saying that I am willing to spend thousands on body art or put them in places for all to see, but I do love them.

At one point last year I was looking at the "Winter" Tattoo I got in rememberace of Rory and I thought, "I have chosen to remember someone I cared about by permanently changing a part of my body, but I have nothing to symbolize the one person in my life who makes me whole. That's stupid."

So, yesterday Brian and I went to Cossettas and had cheese pizza and an IBC Root Beer and went to Saint Sabrina's to get my second tattoo. I love it and I am already thinking of what I want next. I mean, I have a whole other hip!

26 Tattoo

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A Year Gone By

Dear Rory,

It's been a year since you took your life. Thoughts of you have come more frequently as December continues to roll on. I have to admit, I kind of liked the past few months where I didn't think of you as often. They were much easier. I had such anxiety about what December was to bring that I had difficulty focusing on what was happening in the present. Though out most of the month I was able to repeat "Here and Now" to myself  when I noticed I was starting to think about how I was going to be feeling as your 32nd birthday and the anniversary of your choice came closer. But what was I suppose to do as those days came. I was stuck in the middle of them and there wasn't a way out.

I seemed to make it though the week OK. I met with a good friend for coffee, went to the doctor to see if there should be any changes to my medication since I had not noticed the effects of it all that much these past few weeks, and met with our pastor to talk out how to get through some of the pain and sadness I have been feeling. All of these things were proactive on my part and I can say that I am proud of myself for doing them. I was hoping that by talking to people I trusted in the different areas of my life I would be able to make it through yesterday with less grief and sadness. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

On the 19th, I was able to get to my classroom and most of the morning before the kids came in without crying. I now know why you didn't like the casual question "How are you doing?" I didn't want to be dishonest, but I did want to avoid the answer. It's like if you don't say "Good" people automatically start to ask more questions and pry into what is making you just feel "OK." I know they are trying to be helpful and caring, but I just didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to be a basket-case all day. When my teammate asked me how I was and I answered "Just trying to get through today." She immediately said, "This is the day, isn't it." and proceeded to give me a big hug. This is when I started crying. I pulled myself together and got on with the morning.

As the day went on, I had some fun with the kids and sent them off to recess and lunch. I spent my lunch in my classroom, eating Marshmallow Mateys, and sometime during that 30 minutes my friend Crystal came into my room to drop off a simple gift of a Harry and David Pear. I had told her about these pears and she dropped one off as a surprise for me. I found her in the lunchroom eating lunch with her oldest son and gave her a big hug for her kindness. This was the second time the tears came down. I was worried if I would be able to get them to stop this time.

On this Friday, we decided to have everyone over for cereal. Both Brian and I thought it would be good to be with friends and up until that day, I thought it would be too. It ended up being great for Brian but not for me. Because of when the tears had come earlier in the day, I started to wonder what I would do once everyone came over. As you know, we are huggers, and I didn't know that I would be able to hug anyone without crying. I didn't want to be that person at the get together. Most likely everyone's thoughts were on you and I didn't want Friday to be sad. So, if I just sat on the couch I didn't have to hug anyone full on. My attitude wasn't the best either and I feel bad about it. But I think I am angry at you for that.

Most of my anger at you has subsided, but every once in a while it will show up and I will be pissed for a while before it subsides again. I get angry that you left us and that Nattie doesn't know who you are anymore and that Macie never will. I get angry that I will never hear your laugh or feel your hug again. I get angry that I will never hear your long winded opinions on music and movies again.

Once the anger is gone I feel very sad. I feel sad that you had to live in so much pain for so much of your life. I feel sad that I didn't get to spend more time with you or that I maybe didn't make enough time for you. I constantly wonder about how much I was actually able to help you. I think most of the time I nagged you and I even got angry because you weren't motivated to do something that Brian and I suggested. I think you probably got annoyed because we were calling you every couple of days to see if you were trying to get back on track. 

I mostly feel sad because I have not forgiven you yet. It has been a year, and I am unable at this point in time to forgive you. I think about you all the time. Sometimes it is an image of you at the tracks and how you were able to do what you did. Other times it is your smile, your sexy charm face or how boney your collar bone and shoulder were when you let me hug you tight like a hug should be.

I feel grateful that I was able to hug you. That I knew you well enough that your voice is still ingrained in my head. That when you were feeling really generous, you would let me put my hands on your always toasty warm belly. That you trusted me enough to let me into a part of your life that you were not so proud of. That you attended our wedding. That we have your speech from our wedding on tape. That you have held both of my children. That I will never view music the same again.

I hope you are happy. I hope you know you are loved. I hope you know that I miss you very much.

Love always,
Gina

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Happy Birthday Rory.

Um. I don't know what else to say.

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Eight Months

DISCLAIMER: As I said in the post before this, here is my most recent letter to Rory. Please don't read if you don't want to. It may not be helpful for everyone to write letters to people who can no longer read them, but just writing them has been very theriputic for me. If you are up for it, I suggest giving it a try. I have just made the choice to share them with others. I did add "The loves and hates of Rory" if you would only like to read that at the end of the letter. I hope everyone is healing the best they can.

Dear Rory,

You've been gone for 7 months now. It seems like years some days and others it seems like I just saw you and we were chatting about something. We spread your ashes Thursday, July 24th and I was quite numb about it. We have some too. Part of me thinks taking the ashes was a good thing and another part doesn't really care. It's not you. You are gone. This is the physical piece that we are holding on to. We will put it in the ground for closure I guess.

There are days where I have to remind myself that you are dead. I have to remind myself that I will never talk to you again. Never is a hard thing to grasp. I don't know that I can. On the days that I come close to knowing what never is, I get angry. Angry at you and your disease. I get angry because I have a hard time accepting your choice. I don't know what was going on in your head, so I can't say that you should have kept trying. I don't know what I would have done if I were you.

The mother in me wants to hold you and tell you that everything will be ok and do everything in my power to help get you through your hard time. The same that I will do for my own children. I think I am mad because you didn't want any more help. You were tired of help. You were tired of not feeling "right."

I don't know what everyday life was like for you. I know that I didn't like feeling as if I had no control over my actions or own everyday habits. My depression is so much different than what yours was. My depression doesn't consist of suicidal thoughts or death in any form. I do know that I hated that Brian was worrying about me and that he felt helpless. Just him being there for me was enough and I don't think I was able to express that to him at the time.

I wonder if you would have found someone to live for if you would still be here. I wonder why me, Brian, Paul, Karen, Hannah, Mary and many others weren't those people. Then I have other thoughts of how happy I am that you wern't involved with anyone because love or no love, this action of suicide was inevitable. I thank God many days that you pushed certain people away so you wouldn't hurt them even further than you already have.

I feel that we do go on to another place when we die. I don't know if all of us go there for not. I do feel like there are certain kinds of people that don't belong there. Maybe some people deserve to suffer once they are gone. You had to suffer while you were here, so I don't think, just because you chose to end your life instead of leaving it up to some higher power, that you were not saved like you said. The kind of Creator that I believe in wouldn't let you go anywhere else.

It's hard to tell others you killed yourself. Then if they happen to ask how - the reaction is always the same. If I tell people that you're gone and that you had bi-polar disorder, again the reaction is the same. People can't help but have a certain stereotype about those going through depression. In turn, I go into defense mode and start to defend my friend who took his life just as many others defend false stereotypes. 

I don't know how to end this letter. I don't have anger. I have sadness. I don't know how to accept. But I can understand. Like before...

I love you. I miss you. And I hate that you are not here.

Yours,

Gina

 

Something extra...The Loves and Hates of Rory.

Hate

• Your disease
• Your mom
• Your love of "The Streets" music
• That you are dead
• When I am angry at you
• Your vocabulary
• The way you used to make me explain my reasoning
• That you needed to eat with backround music on

 

Love

• Your charm, wit and sarcastic undertones
• Your laugh
• Your hair
• The hilarious messages you used to leave on our machine
• The way you could never take a normal picture
• Your hugs when you were well enough to give real ones
• That you always had to remind Brian that you didn't like mint flavoring or cheese...except on pizza of course

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I Blog? Since When?!?!

Last weekend the in-law's took the girls for Saturday and Sunday like they always do for one weekend a month. We are so lucky to have family so close to watch them when we need a break. But I also have to say that you have to be open to letting others watch your kids, especially overnight. I have had many chats with acquaintances and friends who have difficulty having others watch their kids for a couple of hours let alone overnight!

Brian and I have always thought it is very important for the girls to have a special relationship with their grandparents. They are all still young and have energy to do tons with them. I also think it is important for the girls to be away from us and us them. When they come back home on Sunday from either set of grandparents house, there is always a few hours of tantrums and power struggles, but they soon subside and we are back to everyday life. If I could change anything as far as when we had kids, I would do it exactly the same. Is is stressful at times? Yes. Are we extremely blessed? Absolutely.

So what do Brian and I do on these weekends of being just a married couple without kids? Sleep. We love to sleep. I find that we do a lot of sitting around and not worrying. I think not having anything to keep us on our toes makes us tired because our brains aren't working like they usually have to! This weekend, Brian met Jeanine where we usually do and I stayed in bed. I watched T.V. and eventually fell back asleep. Brian showed up with coffee and we spent the next 2 hours talking. It was amazing. I don't remember the last time we talked like that.

We talked about Rory, the day he died, what it was like for both of us, what came after that and how we dealt with it and had a funny conversation about where we are going to put him in the yard. We acually laughed quite a bit about that because of how it sounded coming out of our mouths.

G: "We should go dig up that sprinkler head today"

B: "No, we don't have to. I have to move the corner head over because that is where we are going to put Rory."

G: "What?" (insert laughing) "That just sounded weird."

It was good for me to hear Brian relive and talk about how Dec. 19th went. So many things had to happen in the right order for that day to go the way it did. For Rory and for us.

I have started to think about him again a lot and I find that I am no longer crying. I am definately sad, but the tears don't come as easily. That being said, this is my disclaimer to the next blog I will be doing. I have recently written him another letter and for my own healing I need to get it out there. If you don't want to read it, that is completely fine. Like I said, it is for my own healing. Not to make others angry, sad or any other emotion that comes with grief.

Moving on...

We also had a lot of conversations about Natalie and Macie. We are already amazed at the little people they are becoming.

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Natalie has a lot of my stubborn characteristics which makes it hard for me to deal with her a lot of the time, but she also wants to please. She wants to be a good listener and can make anyone feel special when she wants to give them a hug. It is easy to see what kind of kid she is and doesn't hide a whole lot of her personality. What you see is what you get. She is shy at first but after about 30 min in a new situation, she is running around and playing like it was her own house. I am also amazed at her tollerace with other kids she plays with. Don't get me wrong, she is 3 and definately has her melt downs, but I have watched her try and work things out on her own instead of come crying to me. She is also a great big sister. Macie tends to wack her every once in a while, and after being stunned for the first couple seconds, she starts to laugh and makes a game out of it. I think as she continues to grow she is going to be a people pleaser and the kind of friend you want to have.

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Macie is a whole different story. But that is how it's suppose to be. I don't think we would have wanted two Natalies. Macie can be easy going but unlike Natalie, she doesn't show much personality in new situations. She is very reserved until she gets to know the people around her and this can take a while for her to get to know you. If you are lucky enough to see her with her guard down, that girl is amazing. She is funny, smart and a good listener. She also has a short temper and wants her way all the time. She is also much more physical than Natalie ever was. She has no problems hitting me, Brian or Natalie when she wants to play or when she is upset. We playfully call her Brusier, but in all reality I wouldn't be surprised if she tried out for the football team someday. I can say that I feel that there is something about her that people are going to be drawn to someday. I feel like she is going to walk to the beat of her own drum but others are going to wish they heard the same one. And heaven help the first boy who falls for her huge blue eyes. I think he will be ruined forever. 

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SOOPerman

So, it's been a while and I have been thinking of this post for pretty much that whole while. I think that means I should get it out there so it's off of my mind.
Some of you may be wondering how I am doing. The answer is...fine. If you weren't wondering, the answer is still...fine. I can say that I am not overwhelmingly happy and I'm not overwhelmingly sad either. The only emotion that seems to get a little out of control is anger. This is not to say that I am angry all the time.
Updates:
The girls are hilarious. They play so well together! Natalie is the only person who can make Macie laugh in a split second and I love hearing that giggle. This weekend was the first time I left the two of them alone in Nattie's room to play and after a while I heard Nattie close the door. I waited a while and never heard any screaming so I left it shut. Curiosity finally got the better of me and when I peeked in after a few minutes I saw one of the moments that will always stick in my head. Natalie was sitting on her bed with a book "reading" it to Macie and Macie was on the floor looking through a book too! It was great.
Natalie has an overactive imagination and this is by no means an insult. She is constantly singing, not real songs, but just whatever tune and words come out of her mouth. She also has gained already so much knowledge about what she can and can't eat. She amazes me everyday.
Macie can melt you with her eyes. Lord help the boys. But she can also shoot daggers with them. She is still so much of a puzzle to me. I definitely know when she is unhappy, but there are so many moments of the day that I wish I knew what she was thinking. She also loves to eat. She shovels food in two hands at a time and still wants more once her tray is empty. That is probably because most of her food ends up on her lap. Macie is also very much a Mama's girl. She does not like to let many people hold her. In fact, Brian and I counted five people she will reach for. Otherwise I have to rip her away from me and run out of site so that she will stay with the other person. It's ridiculous and draining for me.
Other Thoughts:
Many of you know that I haven't been quite myself. Some of you have expressed concern about my mental state because of all the craziness that has been going on in our (Brian and I) lives. I can say that no, I have not been all that great. I can say that I have found someone to talk to and I think that that has been helping. But I am constantly asking myself "When am I going to be me again!" That's all I want. I want to be mostly happy all of the time. I want to be able to handle the stresses and decisions that life gives me. I want to stop crying so much and I don't want people to worry about me. But right now, that is just not the case. Which brings me to the title of my post.
Soop came over one night for dinner just to hang out. We also wanted him and Molly to be in the same room with us because they are two of the funniest people we know, so really the dinner was mostly for selfish reasons on our part. They didn't disappoint. We spent a lot of the night laughing.
After the girls went to bed I asked how Soop had been handling Rory's death. I am almost obsessed with how others are dealing with his suicide because I am just so angry. And if people aren't angry, are they sad? How sad? When? I don't know where this curiosity is coming from and it's not my business, but I just wonder how others are dealing because I have having difficulty "dealing." I don't even refer to Rory by his name lately. When something comes up and I want to talk about him, I will usually use some form of a curse word that I can turn into a noun. Many times it's a string of words. Ask Brian, Molly or Sarah. They have all heard many combinations. I have also heard mention of people dreaming of Rory and I am jealous. I haven't dreamt about him since the week he died and I can probably tell you why...He doesn't want to hear what I have to say to him. He never liked being lectured and I'm sure that hasn't changed. Anyways, back to the story...
Super had said that he was still sad and talked about different times that he has thought about him and when the sadness will hit him. Super has had his share of grief unfortunately, and in talking, it never gets easier - but there does seem to be a process. And that process is different for everyone I think.
I talked a little about my anger and I mentioned the statement above: "I just want to know, when am I going to be me again!?!?"
To which Super's reply was, "But, do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?"  
Huh, maybe not. I had never thought about it that way before. I have been so focused on trying to get back to being the Gina that I was before the main craziness of the year happened, I didn't even realize that that may not be possible. I have to work on being a different Gina. A Gina that has to deal with a good friend who decided to commit suicide and I couldn't do jack shit about it. He made up his mind and I wasn't enough of a reason to stick around and keep trying. Neither was any of the MANY other people that cared so much about him. I have to deal with his decision and so do those other people and that sucks. It completely pisses me off. I have to be the kind of Gina that has to think about everything that my daughter eats because if I don't she is going to be in pain.
I also have to say that the person I am working towards becoming isn't better or worse than the one I was. Just different. When a piece of you is gone, you can't be the same. When life changing events happen you have to live differently, you can't be the same. It's like any other life changing event...having a baby, buying a house, getting married, etc. Those are just all happy situations (hopefully!). And I am so glad that Super pointed this out to me that night. He completely changed my perspective on the situation.
Do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?
No, I won't. And I have to be ok with that. 

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When you gonna love you as much as I do

I don't know if I should put this out there or not. I don't know if any of you are going to want to read this right now either, but I am hoping it is going to help me. This blog has not been the most positive place in the world, but I am also hoping that as the year goes on, it will get more upbeat.

I was talking to our social worker at school who got into her field because of grief. I have talked to her a lot about Rory, and when I brought her the news about this death, she felt terrible for our entire group. I have cried a lot in her room and during one of our conversations about him, she asked if I would ever be able to write him a letter. My reply was, maybe someday, but I don't think I could do it anytime soon. After talking with Brian about it, I came to the conclusion that I should write him multiple letters. Many of you know that there are different stages of grief. I am planning on writing him a letter as I go through those different stages. Right now, I am still very angry about Rory's decision to take his life and you will see that anger in this letter. So this is your WARNING. Please do not read on if you don't want to.

Here goes...

Rory,

I can barely type your name without crying. I hate that. I haven't come to the realization that I am not going to see you ever again. My brain can't wrap around that thought. It just feels like life is busy and we haven't gotten a chance to give you a call to see when you can come over to dinner. I always made whatever you wanted. The two usuals were lasagna and enchiladas.

I don't understand the disease you had and I'm sure that is why I'm so angry. I can say to others "He's not in any pain anymore," and "We always thought this day might come," but inside I am screaming "Why couldn't you just keep on trying! We can figure this out. Brian and I are here to help you and we can get through this!" Damn it, I hate you for not wanting to keep on fighting.

I needed you to be around to teach the girls about music. I needed you to tell them "the stuff that your mom listens to is ok, but here is the really good shit." They aren't going to have that now and I hate you for that. I needed you to be around so that we could talk about Brian while he was in the room, but say the things as if he wern't. I hate that I am never going to hear you laugh that one loud "HA!" and then quieter chuckles after that.

You were such a brilliant person. Having said that you should have known that children are the best judges of character. If you were a truly awful person inside, the kids you worked with and the children of the people in the group would have seen it. I believe they can sense that. The kids loved you. That should have been how you knew you were a good person inside and out.

It breaks my heart to know that you thought about having a family like you mentioned in your letter. It almost makes me sick to my stomach that that woman will never find you and that child will never be born. You had so much to offer, even if you never truly believed your life was worth anything. I am here to tell you it was and I want you to believe me. I have never lied to you and I don't plan on starting to lie to myself now about how I feel about your suicide. I hate that you took your life. I hate how you decided to do it. I hate that it was during the late morning light and not during the early dark morning hours.

I drive across train tracks twice everyday. I drive across them on 170th, and follow them along HWY 3 into Rosemount and back home again at the end of the day. It wouldn't matter which way I go to work, I have to cross them at one time or another. I hear the trains in my classroom and at home. Nattie sometimes notices when they are going behind our house and says "Mamma! Look a train!" With tears in my eyes I say "That's right. And what does a train say?"  

I had a dream where someone rang our doorbell and when I answered it you were standing there with a huge smile on your face. It was almost as if you were saying "Gotcha!" But of course you would say something much more slang than that. From there me, you and Brian all went somewhere to talk and I got to tell you all the things I ever wanted to tell you and all the things I thought about what you did. You just sat there and listened, with no emotion what-so-ever.

I'm tired of being mad at you and I hope it goes away soon. Some days are better than others, but I am really struggling without you in this world. I want you back and I know that it's selfish, but you were selfish for taking your life. I am finding myself in my own depressed state. It has been very hard for me to motivate to get things done around the house and at school. A part of me is constantly sad. If you were here, I could ask you how to get through it. If you were here, I wouldn't have to be sad. Brian is starting to worry about me. But that's what Brian does. He takes care of the people he loves and he took care of you too. I know you know that, but you needed to TELL him that before you left us. I hate that a part of his heart is gone forever now. I know that he will heal to some extent, but he will also never be whole again. You left many people feeling that way.   

I love you and I hate that you're not around.

Gina

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2007...I'm kind of glad it's over

2007 was not the greatest year for us. I can say that we got a beautiful daughter at the start of it and that was a great way to begin. I can also say that we lost a wonderful friend, person, musician, poet, writer, and comedian at the end of it. If I had to compare it to something I think I would say we started at the top of a hill and rolled down until we crashed into a very large brick wall at the bottom.
Here we go...

• Feb. 7th, 2007 - Mom got the call from her Dr. confirming the fact that she had breast cancer. Not long after, I called her to let her know she had a third granddaughter.
• Macie was born on Feb. 7th, 2007 at 8:30pm. An hour and a half after arriving at the hospital. All's I can say is thank God for constipation!
• Feb. 18th, 2007 - My family, all except Chris (Sarah's husband), are over for dinner and Mom and Dad tell us that she was diagnosed with cancer.
• After having some more MRI's and talks with Dad and her doctors, Mom decided to have a mastectomy
• Mid-March Mom had her surgery and had a wonderful recovery.
• April - Brian and I got a 4 day weekend in San Diego thanks to Brian's work. We also started framing the basement for a bedroom and bathroom.
• May - We found out Beth was pregnant! YEAH! GOOD NEWS!
• June 28th, 2007 - I got PRK laser surgery on my eyes. I love technology.
• Beginning of July, Ida, Brian's Grandma, was in the hospital to have surgery. She had been in the hospital for most of the summer already.
• July 19th, after struggling to recover, Ida passed away.
• August started with an ear infection for Natalie. I thought for sure that we would be doing tubes by Nov. If I only knew what was to come...
• At a recheck for Natalie in the beginning of Sept. we were sent to the Children's ER for pneumonia. Her x-ray looked clean, but she still had areas of wheezing in her lungs. So, two shots of antibiotic in her thighs, and an oral antibiotic to take home, she was suppose to get better.
• Oct. 6th, 2007 - Brian takes the girls to the zoo and to his parents so that I can clean the house for Beth's shower on Sunday morning at 11:00. Brian had not been feeling all that great for a week or two and after coming home that night and looking at his throat, I convince him to go to urgent care. What we thought might have been strep throat turned out to be Mono. Did I mention that I was having family over to my house the NEXT DAY!
• Oct. 7th, 2007 - 2:30 in the morning I hear Casey messing around with something in our bedroom. After doing some investigating, his butt was bleeding. Ew. Blood streaks on the carpet and Casey in pain. Did I mention that I was having family over to my house TODAY with a dog that has an exploding butt and an infectious husband. Brian took Casey to an emergency vet early the next morning, which is not cheap, and spent the afternoon there.  
• Later in October Natalie still has wheezing and we get personal with a nebulizer.
• At Natalie's recheck a week later, Natalie sounds great but Macie is checked and we now must also use the nebulizer on her.
• Oct. 31st, 2007 - Macie develops a ver dry rash behind her ears.
• Throughout Nov. Macie's rash moves to her face, down her body and onto her arms. We go for bloodwork to see if she is allergic to anything. We also make an appointment with a Dermatologist.
• Dec. 1st, 2007 - we go to a dermatologist and find out Macie has eczema. We are told how to treat it and are also asked to participate in a study for infants with eczema. We would be compensated for the uncomfortable blood draws and the 5 weeks of check up visits, and we do not have to pay for the visits or medication.
• Dec. 3rd, 2007 - we sign Macie up for the study. She gets her blood drawn from her head. Yeah, you read that right. I really hate being a parent sometimes.
• Dec. 9th, 2007 - Rory comes over to hang out and I don't remember anything we talked about. I really wish I did.
• Dec. 15th, 2007 - Spambandits party and the last time I saw and hugged Rory.
• Dec. 19th, 2007 - 4:30 pm Brian walked into my classroom with a look and I new Rory was gone before he could even say it. Even with my mom having cancer this year, I can safely say that this day was the worst day of my life so far. I still have a lot of anger for some reason and want to write about that, but I don't quite know how to yet.
• Dec. 20th, 2007 - Brian and I go over to Paul and Karen's and continue on to Rory's appartment to do what we can to pick it up.
• Dec. 22nd, 2007 - Rory's funeral.
• Dec. 22nd, 2007 - Natalie vomits some time after dinner. This was the first time it happened and it will continue to this day, off and on, Jan. 19th, 2008.
• We made it though Christmas alright, but Natalie continued to get sick and Macie had some explosive diahrea.
• The week leading up to New Year's was the same. I wish I could say that 2008 started off better, but I can't.
  
  One of my favorite things that someone told me once, and I can't even remember who it was: You have to hit bottom so that you have something to push off of.  I am hoping that this is what 2008 is going to be like for me. We are still at the bottom and I am gasping for air from day to day. Hopefully soon we will be able to push off and have a year filled with healthy family, friends and nothing but good news.
  
  I can say that I have learned an awful lot about myself...more of that to come.
     

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In a time of tears, there's Nattie

This last week has been the worst week I have had since Brian came and told me about Rory. There is much more detail about that to come but I have to write down this story before I forget the details.
This last month has been enormously overwelming because of Rory's death and because of the girls health. Macie has had off and on diarhea and Natalie has been throwing up off and on for about three weeks now. She knows when it is going to happen and will often tell us so. It's really quite useful and we usually make it to the bathroom which really saves the carpet and furniture. Again, I will give more detail about that soon. Friday night she threw up again after being on some medication and shortly after,while bathing Macie, I lost it. I had one of those uncontrollable cries. Deep, sobs that make it hard to catch your breath.
I went to my room and Natalie followed me asking repeatedly, "Mama, what's wrong? What's wrong Mama?" in that kind of voice that is so sincear and sweet you could just melt. I picked her up on my bed and she lovingly held onto me like I was holding on to her. I think she even stroked my hair a few times.
She then asked me if I wanted to read a book. She did this because on the rare occasion she has difficulty separating from me when I drop her off at daycare, the older girls always grab a book and read with her because she loves that and it gets her mind off of me leaving. As she was going to get us a book and I was trying to get a grip, she reached up her special animal and said, "Mama, here! Here's Lamby. You can cuddle Lamby Mama. Here, you can take him."
She went and got us a book to read and half way through she asked again what was wrong. This is about how the conversation went...
Nattie: "Mama, what's wrong?"
Me: "Mama's heart hurts honey."
Nattie: "What did Macie do?" I think she asked what Macie did to me because when I started crying I was in the bathroom with Macie.
Me: "Macie didn't do anything. Mama is just sad honey. Mama's heart hurts and she's worried about your tummy. Do you know where your heart is?"
Nattie: "Yeah."
Me: "Where?" Natalie then pointed to her chest, then pointed to my chest. "That's right honey. That's where Mama hurts right now."
Nattie: "Oh. Do you need to puke?"
Seriously, there was nothing in this world that could have put a smile on my face faster.

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