Just Breathe

Dear Rory,

Life goes on without you. This time of year always sneaks up on me. I don't know why. It's not like I don't know it's coming. I guess I just think that your birthday and your death day will pass without me having to go though all the emotion. Right now, I really don't want to go through all the emotion. I want to think "Happy Birthday Rory" and "I wish you were here" without everything that goes along with that for me. It is very frustrating.

Your birthday is difficult for me. I still feel like you should be here. Today I'm angry. I have been tempted lately to read your letter again. I have only read it once, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know there are pieces of you in that letter, but I feel like it is all the bad pieces. It's not all of you. I recognize that the bad was still a part of you but the good was so much more. Why didn't you know that.

I'm at the point now where I want to know about your whole life. When you were here, I couldn't bear hearing about a child being treated as if they didn't matter. Now, I want to know everything. I want to know about what happened to you. You were physically changed because of what you went through and the only thing that is constantly goes through my mind when I think of you is...it isn't fair.

You got what you wanted by ending your life and I don't get to have what I want.
I want you to meet Evie
I want you to meet some other really cool people that have become our friends
I want you to see the new Batman movies
I want to play cards with you again
I want to give you a hug
I want to tell you I love you
I want to tell you not to go
I want to wish you Happy Birthday in person and not on some stupid blog
I want to punch you in the face
I want to listen to you and Brian argue about something really dumb
I want to hear you laugh again
I want to know you can hear me
I want another day with you

It's not fair that I have to keep writing these letters.
I miss you.
I'm sad.
I love you still.
Gina