Eight Months

DISCLAIMER: As I said in the post before this, here is my most recent letter to Rory. Please don't read if you don't want to. It may not be helpful for everyone to write letters to people who can no longer read them, but just writing them has been very theriputic for me. If you are up for it, I suggest giving it a try. I have just made the choice to share them with others. I did add "The loves and hates of Rory" if you would only like to read that at the end of the letter. I hope everyone is healing the best they can.

Dear Rory,

You've been gone for 7 months now. It seems like years some days and others it seems like I just saw you and we were chatting about something. We spread your ashes Thursday, July 24th and I was quite numb about it. We have some too. Part of me thinks taking the ashes was a good thing and another part doesn't really care. It's not you. You are gone. This is the physical piece that we are holding on to. We will put it in the ground for closure I guess.

There are days where I have to remind myself that you are dead. I have to remind myself that I will never talk to you again. Never is a hard thing to grasp. I don't know that I can. On the days that I come close to knowing what never is, I get angry. Angry at you and your disease. I get angry because I have a hard time accepting your choice. I don't know what was going on in your head, so I can't say that you should have kept trying. I don't know what I would have done if I were you.

The mother in me wants to hold you and tell you that everything will be ok and do everything in my power to help get you through your hard time. The same that I will do for my own children. I think I am mad because you didn't want any more help. You were tired of help. You were tired of not feeling "right."

I don't know what everyday life was like for you. I know that I didn't like feeling as if I had no control over my actions or own everyday habits. My depression is so much different than what yours was. My depression doesn't consist of suicidal thoughts or death in any form. I do know that I hated that Brian was worrying about me and that he felt helpless. Just him being there for me was enough and I don't think I was able to express that to him at the time.

I wonder if you would have found someone to live for if you would still be here. I wonder why me, Brian, Paul, Karen, Hannah, Mary and many others weren't those people. Then I have other thoughts of how happy I am that you wern't involved with anyone because love or no love, this action of suicide was inevitable. I thank God many days that you pushed certain people away so you wouldn't hurt them even further than you already have.

I feel that we do go on to another place when we die. I don't know if all of us go there for not. I do feel like there are certain kinds of people that don't belong there. Maybe some people deserve to suffer once they are gone. You had to suffer while you were here, so I don't think, just because you chose to end your life instead of leaving it up to some higher power, that you were not saved like you said. The kind of Creator that I believe in wouldn't let you go anywhere else.

It's hard to tell others you killed yourself. Then if they happen to ask how - the reaction is always the same. If I tell people that you're gone and that you had bi-polar disorder, again the reaction is the same. People can't help but have a certain stereotype about those going through depression. In turn, I go into defense mode and start to defend my friend who took his life just as many others defend false stereotypes. 

I don't know how to end this letter. I don't have anger. I have sadness. I don't know how to accept. But I can understand. Like before...

I love you. I miss you. And I hate that you are not here.

Yours,

Gina

 

Something extra...The Loves and Hates of Rory.

Hate

• Your disease
• Your mom
• Your love of "The Streets" music
• That you are dead
• When I am angry at you
• Your vocabulary
• The way you used to make me explain my reasoning
• That you needed to eat with backround music on

 

Love

• Your charm, wit and sarcastic undertones
• Your laugh
• Your hair
• The hilarious messages you used to leave on our machine
• The way you could never take a normal picture
• Your hugs when you were well enough to give real ones
• That you always had to remind Brian that you didn't like mint flavoring or cheese...except on pizza of course

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I Blog? Since When?!?!

Last weekend the in-law's took the girls for Saturday and Sunday like they always do for one weekend a month. We are so lucky to have family so close to watch them when we need a break. But I also have to say that you have to be open to letting others watch your kids, especially overnight. I have had many chats with acquaintances and friends who have difficulty having others watch their kids for a couple of hours let alone overnight!

Brian and I have always thought it is very important for the girls to have a special relationship with their grandparents. They are all still young and have energy to do tons with them. I also think it is important for the girls to be away from us and us them. When they come back home on Sunday from either set of grandparents house, there is always a few hours of tantrums and power struggles, but they soon subside and we are back to everyday life. If I could change anything as far as when we had kids, I would do it exactly the same. Is is stressful at times? Yes. Are we extremely blessed? Absolutely.

So what do Brian and I do on these weekends of being just a married couple without kids? Sleep. We love to sleep. I find that we do a lot of sitting around and not worrying. I think not having anything to keep us on our toes makes us tired because our brains aren't working like they usually have to! This weekend, Brian met Jeanine where we usually do and I stayed in bed. I watched T.V. and eventually fell back asleep. Brian showed up with coffee and we spent the next 2 hours talking. It was amazing. I don't remember the last time we talked like that.

We talked about Rory, the day he died, what it was like for both of us, what came after that and how we dealt with it and had a funny conversation about where we are going to put him in the yard. We acually laughed quite a bit about that because of how it sounded coming out of our mouths.

G: "We should go dig up that sprinkler head today"

B: "No, we don't have to. I have to move the corner head over because that is where we are going to put Rory."

G: "What?" (insert laughing) "That just sounded weird."

It was good for me to hear Brian relive and talk about how Dec. 19th went. So many things had to happen in the right order for that day to go the way it did. For Rory and for us.

I have started to think about him again a lot and I find that I am no longer crying. I am definately sad, but the tears don't come as easily. That being said, this is my disclaimer to the next blog I will be doing. I have recently written him another letter and for my own healing I need to get it out there. If you don't want to read it, that is completely fine. Like I said, it is for my own healing. Not to make others angry, sad or any other emotion that comes with grief.

Moving on...

We also had a lot of conversations about Natalie and Macie. We are already amazed at the little people they are becoming.

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Natalie has a lot of my stubborn characteristics which makes it hard for me to deal with her a lot of the time, but she also wants to please. She wants to be a good listener and can make anyone feel special when she wants to give them a hug. It is easy to see what kind of kid she is and doesn't hide a whole lot of her personality. What you see is what you get. She is shy at first but after about 30 min in a new situation, she is running around and playing like it was her own house. I am also amazed at her tollerace with other kids she plays with. Don't get me wrong, she is 3 and definately has her melt downs, but I have watched her try and work things out on her own instead of come crying to me. She is also a great big sister. Macie tends to wack her every once in a while, and after being stunned for the first couple seconds, she starts to laugh and makes a game out of it. I think as she continues to grow she is going to be a people pleaser and the kind of friend you want to have.

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Macie is a whole different story. But that is how it's suppose to be. I don't think we would have wanted two Natalies. Macie can be easy going but unlike Natalie, she doesn't show much personality in new situations. She is very reserved until she gets to know the people around her and this can take a while for her to get to know you. If you are lucky enough to see her with her guard down, that girl is amazing. She is funny, smart and a good listener. She also has a short temper and wants her way all the time. She is also much more physical than Natalie ever was. She has no problems hitting me, Brian or Natalie when she wants to play or when she is upset. We playfully call her Brusier, but in all reality I wouldn't be surprised if she tried out for the football team someday. I can say that I feel that there is something about her that people are going to be drawn to someday. I feel like she is going to walk to the beat of her own drum but others are going to wish they heard the same one. And heaven help the first boy who falls for her huge blue eyes. I think he will be ruined forever. 

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