When will the tears stop?

Dear Rory,

I'm home alone tonight and decided that this is the right moment to write you a letter. This week has been tougher than I thought it would be. I made it through most of the 15th just fine, only to break down while talking to a friend at school after the kids were gone. While talking to her, I realized it had been two years since I last saw you. The ache in my heart immediately came back. I miss you.

The rest of the week has been kind of funny in a weird way. After pulling myself together, I left school on Tuesday only to meet up with a train in Rosemount and, as if it were mocking me, the engine car stayed at my pace for 2 - 3 blocks. I could only laugh and shake my head. Fuck you, you bastard, humf. Me, Brian and the girls headed to IGH for dinner with Mom and Dad that night and on the way home I was trying to find something on the radio to listen to. I stopped on The Current only to hear Brother Ali. Really?! Brian could only giggle. Finally, yesterday while driving home, I again was flipping channels in the car, landed on The Current and what were they playing? The Streets. That band. That band that you brought to the house to listen to because, heaven forbid, we eat without music on. I hated the CD and got scolded for it. Are you just on my mind? Are these things coincidence? Do you have anything to do with it?

I'm not angry. At least I don't think I am. I am sad. I want the hole in my heart to be filled. That will never happen. I want December to come and I don't want to cry. I've found out the only way to do that is to be medicated and that's not such a bad idea. 

I can say that I don't think about you every day. To some extent, I'm glad about that. You come into my thoughts at least once a week, if not more, but not every day. Most of the time the memories are good ones. I can hear your laugh, see your charming smile and feel your warmth when you would let me give you a hug. It is now, during this time of year that the tears come. I will be glad to see them go.

Brian and I are going to have a third child. One more beautiful baby to bring into our family. You will never know that child. Natalie remembers you. Macie doesn't, but it is my memory of you holding her and interacting with her that I love. I will not have that with this child. Again, the tears come. 

Two years. Sometimes that feels like such a long time and others, not at all. How will I be feeling next year or in 5 or 10 years? Only time will tell.

I love you.

I miss you. 

Gina

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Happy Birthday Rory.

33.

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GOULASH

I think my blog is turning into a recipe site. Oh well. I love goulash because I think there is a million different ways to make it. I feel that if it is to be a true goulash it must have noodles, hamburger and ketchup. Just my opinion.

Here is my version of Goulash Hotdish.

Goulash

1 lb. Hamburger

1/2 onion (diced)

2 cloves garlic (diced)

2 cups elbow macaroni (uncooked) (We like Tinkyada GF)

2 cups water

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can black beans (rinsed and drained)

1/4 cup barbecue sauce (Sweet Baby Ray's is GF)

3/4 cup ketchup (Heinz is GF)

Lawry's Seasoning Salt

Shredded Cheese

Brown hamburger, onion and garlic in large pot. Depending on how much grease produced by the meat, you may want to drain it. I used a leaner hamburger so I didn't have to drain any of the grease. Season to taste with Lawry's Seasoning Salt. Add macaroni, water, tomatoes, black beans, katchup and barbecue sauce. Stir well, cover and let simmer until macaroni is tender. Serve in bowls and top with shredded cheese. 

Easy and only takes about 20 minutes. Also Gluten Free if you use the right kind of macaroni, ketchup and barbecue sauce. Enjoy!

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Bread? We don't need no stinking bread!

My new favorite lunch:

Butter Leaf Lettuce

Butter Leaf Lettuce

Cream Cheese

Meat (sliced turkey or ham)

American Cheese

Sliced Pickles

Schmear the cream cheese on a piece of lettuce and top with your choice of meat and cheese. We added pickles too because we love pickles in our household. Roll up and enjoy. It is so yummy!! Instead of cream cheese, I put ranch dressing on Brian's because that's how he rolls. Mo and I, however, could swim in a vat of cream cheese. I believe you could slap some onion and a piece of tomato on there as well. 

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Who loves meatloaf?

When Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, I signed up to get daily recipes from Gluten Free Club. I didn't have to sign up for the club to get the recipes, so, game on. Every once in a while they will send a recipe that uses mostly "regular" food. Yesterday they sent a meatloaf recipe that is amazing! I changed it a little, but it was still very good!

Here it is.

Italian Meatloaf

1 1/2 lbs. ground pork
3 eggs
1 cup cooked rice
1 1/2 cups grated cheddar cheese
1/2 tablespoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoons dried chopped chives

2 cloves chopped garlic (or you could add onion)
1 teaspoon dried basil + 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1/4 cup ketchup 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°F degrees.
    
Mix all ingredients together well in a very large bowl.
    
Press mixture into a loaf pan (the temps and times are for glass loaf pans.) Bake  for 55 minutes.

**I put the mixture into jumbo muffin tins (greased) and filled them with the meat mixture 3/4 full. Individual serving sizes are fun! They may not need to be cooked 55 min. I think I cooked mine for 45-50 min.
    
Remove from oven and pour off some fat.
    
Cover tops of meatloaves with a generous layer of ketchup.
    
Bake 15 minutes longer.
    
Cool 10 to 15 minutes before cutting loaf. 

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So you wanna make a cake...

I can't tell you when it started. I can tell you that I didn't start the cake making. This was the first year that I have made a cake for one of the girls (nieces) birthdays. Hailey wanted a Barbie cake, so I thought I thought I would step up to the plate. It was a little nerve racking, but it ended up turning out alright.

Hailey's Barbie Cake

Other cakes that have been made are the two shown here, made by Sarah, to look like my girls' favorite security item. Natalie's Lamby and Macie's blanket, or Na as she likes to call it. Sarah has also made a cake to look like a sun for Chloe's first birthday and Beth made a small rectangular cake to look like a present for Hailey's first birthday. I unfortunately don't have pictures of those off hand, but may add them later.

Natalie's Lamby Cake

Macie's Blanket Cake

As you can tell, marshmallows is one of our favorite decorating tools! What next?

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Happy Birthday Baby!!!!

Nattie B-Day

I'm 4!

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Unforgettable

Dear Rory,

I feel like I am forgetting you. I walk by your picture everyday in the hallway and try to look at it deliberately. Some days I smile and others I have to force myself to look. I don't feel like I am trying to push your memory away but every time I see something that reminds me of you, a picture, a song, your letter in the bottom of my drawer I find myself quickly turning away. I wish I wouldn't.

When listening to new music on the radio I am constantly thinking of you. Wondering if you would like the new stuff that is out right now. Wondering what kind of music you would come across that I would absolutely hate. Wonder, wonder, wonder and never get an answer. It's very frustrating for me.

For a long time now I haven't even minded seeing or hearing trains, but I think that too is coming full circle. When I see them, I see you. My mind doesn't get graphic, but the end result is always the same. 

I haven't cried for you in a long time either but as I continue to write you this letter, it seems that that too is coming full circle. I have a physical pain and tightening in my chest as I think about you. A huge portion of my anger is gone. What I am feeling now is a tremendous amount of sadness for you and me. You are no longer suffering but I am no longer able to see and talk to you in the way that I want to. 

I still think that you didn't have to commit suicide to end your suffering. My depression is so much less than yours. I still cannot fathom what you went through everyday in your head. I think I am a hopeless optimist. Where there is love there can be a solution. I am devastated that this wasn't the case for you.

I will forever love you and miss you.

Gina.

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How do you like your cheese?

My conversation in the car with Natalie tonight was about farm animals. Two weeks ago farm animals was the theme at preschool. Her first statement was:
Natalie: "Mom, did you know that cows make milk?"
Me: "Yep, I do. Do you think brown cows make chocolate milk?
Natalie in a very confused voice: "I think they do..."
The conversation continued onto many other farm animals, including horses. I told her that along with pulling carriages and horse back rides, they also make glue. That one flew over her head. Our conversation ended with goats.
Me: "Did you know that goats make milk too?"
Natalie: "They do?"
Me: "Yep. Some people drink goat's milk, but we usually drink milk from cows."
Natalie: "Yeah, I like milk from cows."
Me: "But goat cheese is good. I really like goat cheese."
Natalie: "Oh. I just like my cheese plain."
REALLY! Really. Good Lord. I thought Brian was going to pee his-self.

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Using only one word

Where is your cell phone?  purse

 Your significant other?  26

 Your hair?  long

 Your mother?  worrying

 Your father?  sleeping

 Your favorite things?  naps

 Your dream last night? weird

 Your favorite drink?  diet

 Your dream/goal? calmness

 What room are you in?  living

 Your hobby?  scrappin'

 Your fear?  death

 Where do you want to be in 6 years?  Farmington

 Where were you last night?  couch

 Something that you aren't? tactful

 Muffins?  orange

 Wish list item?  baby

 Last thing you did?  read

 Your pets?  stinky

 Friends?  uh-huh

 Your life?  hectic

 Your mood?  tired

 Missing someone?  Rory

 Drinking?  nope

 Smoking?  yucky

 Your car?  Bullet

 Something you're not wearing?  bra

 Your favorite store?  1/2 price

 Your favorite color?  green

 When is the last time you cried?  Saturday

 Where do you go to over and over? work

 Five people who email me regularly? family

 My favorite place to eat?  Changs

Give it a try! It was fun to sit here and do.

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Who are these children and why are they calling me Mom?

So we were in the entry way getting ready to go to daycare and I told Nattie that her snack schedule for her preschool teacher was in her backpack. This is how the conversation went.
Me: Nattie give this to your teacher when you get to school. Your shoes will be in here too.
Nattie: I have school today?
Me: Yep.
Nattie: Oh, Snap!
I am not joking. This was unprovoked. She actually said that. I asked her where she heard it and she just shrugged her shoulders.
Seriously. Who's kid is this?

Also, does this picture worry anyone besides me?

Cowgirl Macie

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Facebook Note, Blog, Same Diff

So Mo and I were thinking of all the AWESOME (yet not really) movies we could watch over and over as kids. So I made a list of 15 movies and if you want please go ahead and make your own list. We had quite a chuckle over what we used to watch obsessively as children.

p.s. I watched Disney the most as a kid, but that would be a somewhat boring and predictable list, so I put the one that I remember watching the most.

  
1. Girls Just Want to Have Fun
2. Flight of the Navigator
3. Troop Beverly Hills
4. Over the Top (don't ask)
5. Never Ending Story
6. Chipmunk Adventure
7. Calamity Jane
8. Project X
9. Sound of Music
10. Annie
11. Short Circut (Numba' 5 is Alive!)
12. Footloose
13. Toby Tyler
14. Lady Hawk
15. Mary Poppins

I am also going to add in my sister's 15 because she remembered a BUNCH of good ones that I forgot. Way to go Sista' Memory!

1. She's out of Control
2. Grease (mom always fast forward through a couple select parts)
3. Hallmark Hall of fame ~ The Secret Garden
4. White Christmas (over and over again as soon as the snow fell)
5. Maid to Order
6. Mannequin
7. Back to the Beach (super cheesy!)
8. The boy who could fly
9. The Great Muppet Caper
10. The Princess Bride
11. Singing in the rain
12. Eddie and the Cruisers
13. The Muppets take Manhattan (we loved the end scene!)
14. The Wizard of Oz
15. The Sword and the Stone

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You Go Girl!

As I was sitting on the couch one Wednesday evening, Molly calls me to the computer to see something on the interweb. When I got to the laptop, this is what I saw. Please click and enjoy you germ-a-phobes!

www.go-girl.com

I won't even tell you what I thought it was for considering I was watching the demo and not reading the discriptions.

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I Just Can't Get Enough

On Feb. 16th 2009 I got my second tattoo. I have always wanted tattoos but I didn't expect to be as addicted as I already am. I am not saying that I am willing to spend thousands on body art or put them in places for all to see, but I do love them.

At one point last year I was looking at the "Winter" Tattoo I got in rememberace of Rory and I thought, "I have chosen to remember someone I cared about by permanently changing a part of my body, but I have nothing to symbolize the one person in my life who makes me whole. That's stupid."

So, yesterday Brian and I went to Cossettas and had cheese pizza and an IBC Root Beer and went to Saint Sabrina's to get my second tattoo. I love it and I am already thinking of what I want next. I mean, I have a whole other hip!

26 Tattoo

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25 Random Things

A facebook note turned blog.
1. Peas are my favorite vegetable.
2. I have known that I wanted to be a teacher since the 4th Grade.
3. I have never grown my hair out past my chin.
4. No one else in my immediate family has blue eyes, but luckily my girls did.
5. I love the sun! I'm like a cat. Where ever the sun is in my house, I will find it and lay in it for as long as possible.
6. I love to take naps. 2 hour ones if possible.
7. I have zero cavities in my teeth.
8. I have a Gene Simmons tongue and can curl it three times.
9. I love being pregnant.
10. I never thought I would own a minivan, and yet the silver bullet sits in the garage.
11. I'm convinced that if Brian and I were to have another child it would be a girl because my Mom said so when I was   a teenager...and I have no problems with that.
12. I eat peanut butter on a spoon like a lollipop. YUM!
13. Marshmallows are one of my favorite things to snack on.
14. After getting my first tattoo, I can't wait to get more. I am addicted.
15. I had my eyes lasered two summers ago and it was the best money we ever spent...according to me.
16. After hating pajamas for most of my adult life, I now think they are some of the greatest things on this earth. Brian will tell you differently.
17. Growing up I always sang backup to my sisters in the car. No one told me to, I just started noticing the other sounds/voices in the music we would listen to.
18. My dad nicknamed me Gypsy Woman and it stuck.
19. Sometime in my life I would like to visit Australia and Italy.
20. I am always watching two TV shows at a time. I hate commercials.
21. My favorite color has been green for as long as I can remember.
22. I could eat a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting if I wanted to.
23. I hate scary movies but will always watch vampire movies.
24. I hate making beds and cleaning bathrooms.
25. I am a picker. From pimples to peeling skin, I can't help myself. Ew, I know.

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The Bastard Broke My Heart

You would think with a husband as with it as mine is with baseball, the least he could do is keep me updated on when my boyfriend, Justin Morneau, gets married. (Brian had to help me spell that because Canadians have crazy French names and Brian is a know it all.)  But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I had to hear it on KQ this morning. Let me tell you, I heard my heart breaking, then I went into school to let my husband know that he is slipping in his old age. Arg. Damn you Justin. However, just cause you're married doesn't mean that I will stop watching your fine ass cover first base. Bastard.

Broken heart

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Even Jesus Hates the Yankees

Jesus

So this blog is not about baseball but it is about our church.
On Dec. 30th I got a call from our pastor asking me to speak at church one Sunday during the month of January. But first of all, lets back up.
After the shit storm of 2007, I decided that I needed a place to go so that I could start to piece things together about why things happened the way they did over those few months. Church was the answer for me. It was no surprise that since I was brought up in a catholic family, I turned to God for answers. I just always disliked what the church had become; old, boring, scary and handing out guilt left and right.
So in March of last year we started to go to a mission church called Light of the World (LOTW) headed by a small but extremely charismatic female pastor. I connected with her right away. We have shared lots of great conversation over coffee and I have started to work out my personal beliefs and ideas about religion as well.
So, the 30th comes around and Pastor Deb calls me up and asks if I would be willing to share my story about how the community of the church has helped me and/or what it has meant to me since we started attending LOTW. I said yes and here is what I came up with. I just thought I would throw it out there so that I don't forget that I did it.
-------------------------------
I was brought up in a catholic family. My parents weren’t as strict as my grandparents were about religion, but we went to church every Sunday, no matter what. Church for me was a waste of an hour. I barely understood why I was there and what I did get out of it, I was scared of.
So, as I grew up I knew that church was important, but I had no desire to go. Once Brian and I had kids it seemed to become more urgent to find a church to bring the girls to, but whenever we went, I felt like we were more of a nuisance to the people around us, even though that probably wasn’t the case.
We stopped going and decided that we would find a church when the time was right, whenever that was.
Then the fall of 2007 Natalie couldn’t seem to stay healthy. One of our closest friends, who suffered from bi-polar disorder, took his life in December and Natalie’s illness increased. As we were grieving for our friend and going through testing with Natalie, I started to break down. Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which is an intolerance to gluten, and our lives got flipped. Our way of shopping and eating completely changed. I missed my friend, I was hurting for my daughter and I couldn’t keep up with teaching my first graders let alone be a good wife and a mother to Brian, Natalie and Macie.
A couple of weeks ago, Pastor Deb talked about Jesus looking for us when we are at our worst. Well, that’s when I decided that I needed him. Badly.
We took our baptism class for Macie with Pastor Deb at Shepherd of the Valley and we both really liked her right away. At that time she told us that she was starting a new church, how that came about and that it was going to be located in the Farmington area. In March of 2008, we attended LOTW for the first time and I immediately felt at home.
The more we attended, the more I felt whole. For the first time in my adult life, I wanted to belong to a community. I want to participate, join in, and give because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. The community has given so much to me in return as well. Finding people who have gone through similar situations or even just being a sincere ear to listen when I need to vent.
I am very lucky to have always had great family and friends that have supported me throughout my life.  I always thought that would be enough for me. As it turns out, it wasn’t. Now through LOTW, the spiritual part of my being is also being taken care of. I have this wonderful community that surrounds me and my family when things are going well and when they take an unexpected turn.
Natalie is doing great now and she even gets her own special cracker at communion.  If you didn’t know already, that’s us holding up the line each week.
I love that my girls can’t wait for Sunday to come so they can go to church to listen to the great music and run around with the other kids. I love that I don’t feel as if we are bothering anyone when they need to get up and run around the table because all I have to do is look next to me and most likely another little one is feeling the same way.
I am so excited for this church to grow, I am thrilled for with the future holds for this community, and it means a lot to me that I am going to be able to be a part of it.

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