Dear Rory,
I feel like I am forgetting you. I walk by your picture everyday in the hallway and try to look at it deliberately. Some days I smile and others I have to force myself to look. I don't feel like I am trying to push your memory away but every time I see something that reminds me of you, a picture, a song, your letter in the bottom of my drawer I find myself quickly turning away. I wish I wouldn't.
When listening to new music on the radio I am constantly thinking of you. Wondering if you would like the new stuff that is out right now. Wondering what kind of music you would come across that I would absolutely hate. Wonder, wonder, wonder and never get an answer. It's very frustrating for me.
For a long time now I haven't even minded seeing or hearing trains, but I think that too is coming full circle. When I see them, I see you. My mind doesn't get graphic, but the end result is always the same.
I haven't cried for you in a long time either but as I continue to write you this letter, it seems that that too is coming full circle. I have a physical pain and tightening in my chest as I think about you. A huge portion of my anger is gone. What I am feeling now is a tremendous amount of sadness for you and me. You are no longer suffering but I am no longer able to see and talk to you in the way that I want to.
I still think that you didn't have to commit suicide to end your suffering. My depression is so much less than yours. I still cannot fathom what you went through everyday in your head. I think I am a hopeless optimist. Where there is love there can be a solution. I am devastated that this wasn't the case for you.
I will forever love you and miss you.
Gina.
Despite this being a terrible, crappy feeling, this is good. You're healing. I can't help but think that sooner rather than later you will encounter being at peace with all of this. You will be able to walk down the hallway seeing his picture and think happy thoughts, not sad ones. You'll be able to be annoyed with trains, not because of him, but because they are so freaking loud at 2 o'clock in the morning.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I didn't notice that this was going on with you. As your signifcant other, you'd think I would be more in tune with these types of things. I suck at being a girlfriend ;)
I love you and for what it's worth, I think you are doing a phenominal job with everything.
xoxo