So...maybe I should get a fish.

This post is dedicated to my friend Carrie, who has inspired the title. Thanks Care :)

A fish you might ask? Yes, a fish. Let me tell you why...

I am a maternal person. It is just a part of who I am. Even as a child I knew this about myself. I started babysitting my cousins young and always had little ones on my lap at Christmas even though I was a little one myself.

I did not get along great with my sisters growing up. I had a couple of problems...first, I always had the thought that I was just as old as Sarah, who was two and a half years older than me. Maybe it was because she was the same size as me and maybe it was just a complex, but it is what I believed. Then, when Beth came 14 months after I was born, I was determined to be her mother. She latched on to Sarah, wanting nothing to do with me...rightfully so. So, even though I didn't get along with either of them, I was extremely protective of both. Again, mothering instincts kicking in.

As a fourth grader, I knew teaching was what I was meant to do with my life. It just fit with every part of who I am. I have never imagined doing anything else.

So now, I am an adult. I am a teacher. I am a wife. I am a mother. I love who I am and what I do.

Now comes the problem. As a mother, for me, I tend to forget the hard or painful times when it comes to my children. The uncomfortable parts of pregnancy, labor, when the kids get sick, etc. God gave me this incredible absentmindedness when it comes to these things. I remember Natalie being 3 months old and looking at Brian saying, "So, when do you want to do this again?" Yep...just a little bit crazy.

* Sidenote - Please keep in mind that I am also the type of mom who has to be away from her children every once in a while. And they need to be away from me. I am a firm believer in focusing on my relationship with Brian so that the rest of the family can be healthy. Everyone in my family has a place. Brian and I are first and the girls come next. This is not to say that I ignore my children. But if Brian and I fall apart, then there is no family and that is the last thing I ever want to happen. Ok, back to the reason I wrote the post*

Evie is going to be two soon and my belly is ITCHING to be pregnant. I see pregnant ladies everywhere. Not only are they stalking me, but families with 4 children follow me around! I think about it and wonder...what's the big deal? But, I have to stop and think. I have to stop and truly think about how full my plate is.

This weekend was one of those weekends. Evie has been running a fever for 2 days. Macie woke up with a fever last night. We were madly dashing back and forth to the doctor to see what was going on. Well, Mace had strep. Great, well theirs meds for that. But Evie, nothing. Teeth are coming in and she has a cold. Overall, she just isn't feeling well. After getting home and trying to make it though the rest of the night, Evie is truly uncomfortable. She spent about 4 hours crying. I had no clue what her problem was. She wouldn't go to sleep even though she was exhausted. I hadn't eaten all day because of the worry and was at my wits end. I was in her bed with her crying too. I made a call to a dear friend who told me, "Gina, go bring her to Children's. This is not like her. Go find out what is wrong." Let me tell you...you need people like this in your life. They save you in moments like this.

So, Macie is already asleep at 7pm because she is exhausted. Natalie was such a trooper all day, we let her stay up with our neighbor who came over while we went to the hospital. As we get there, Evie burps once and "beepers" (as we call it) twice, and I am thinking "Oh, no. We did NOT just come to the ER for gas!" She gets checked in, checked out by the nurse practitioner and we run some tests. Another strep test, because she has a weird rash on her neck and forehead, nope. Not strep. They took some urine to see if she had a bladder infection. Nope, not that either. Finally they did an x-ray of her belly, which was not my idea but that is the exact reason why I feel Children's is the BEST place to go. And that looked fine. In the process of all of this my third child continues to beeper all over the place.

So, we go home. Was she screaming for 4 hours due to gas? Maybe. Were their other things going on with her to cause her to cry and scream and take in more air which causes her to have more gas and pain? Yea, probably. But YIKES! WHAT AM I...NEW? Frustrating.

It is weekends like this that I HAVE to remember. I have to remember what weekends like this do to me. These weekends are not going to go away. I know that. In fact, having three girls, the problems are going to turn from little things like gas to lord knows what. Let the emotional roller coaster begin.

I am a very blessed woman. I am surrounded with love and support. Not everyone has that. I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a lot. Adding another child to our lives would be great, but I need to live in the world now and stop thinking about what I wish I had. Plus, I don't know that having another baby would stop my wanting for babies! As Molly and Carrie have both told me, "Gina, if you have another child, does that mean you WON'T want another one?" Um...I'm not sure.

So, there it is. Focus on the now. Love what you have. Deal with what is in front of your face.

Ok. I will try.

The Tortoise Known as Nugget

Yup. I'm blogging about our tortoise. Never thought I would, yet here I am, publicly displaying my feelings for a reptile. Don't judge. ;)

You might ask why I am posting about Nugget...well after a visit to the vet to get her beak (yes, beak) and nails trimmed, we also opted to do some blood work on her. Not because she has been sick or acting out of the ordinary, but because we bring her in every 5 years or so and figured, why not? Well, blood work shows that something is going on with her liver. I will get into more detail with that later, but for now...story time...

(If you don't want to read all of the background and memories, please scroll down. I won't be offended. I promise.)

If you know us, you know that in our house we are in possession of a tortoise. Her name is Nugget. She is located on the landing of our stairs and since we have a split entry, when you walk into our house you can see her cage. At first, many people are freaked out. They aren't sure what is living in the enclosure and want to make sure it isn't a snake. Once the inquiring mind is told that it is a tortoise, the questions begin...

• Really? Why?
• What is his or her or its name?
• How big is she? (She usually is hiding so at first glance people can't see her)
• How did you get her?
• What does she eat?
• What do you do with her?
• How long will she live?

It's almost inevitable that if you are meeting Nugget for the first time you are going to ask many if not all of these questions. So, here is the story of Nugget told from my perspective. 

Brian has always been drawn to turtles. My life has been in danger a few times now because we have stopped too quickly to help or not run over a turtle in the road. Seriously...scared for my life. But when Brian went to college his neighbors had this tortoise, so of course, he was very interested in her and what she was like. Toward the end of his first year, his neighbors were taking apart their room and asked Brian to keep her with him for the week. When it was time to head back home, they simply asked if he wanted her. So, Spring of 1996, Brian got a new pet tortoise named Nugget.

If you know Brian at all, you know that he does his research. Whether he is looking at new cars, or is just slightly interested in something, he is doing what he can to find out as much as he can about the topic. In searching he found out that Nugget was a Russian Tortoise. He also found out that she was a female. However, she wasn't in very good of shape. The previous owners didn't feed her right or take care of her very well. She was small and has signs of shell rot. She was (and still is) very skittish around people. Brian got her a kiddie pool and a warming lamp, and started feeding her romaine lettuce topped with a fruit or veggies such as: carrots, apples, cantaloupe or strawberries. Her shell started to heal and she started to grow at a more normal pace. 

Fast forward a few years and Brian is living with 3 of his friends in a house in Minneapolis. At the top of the stairs, outside the bedrooms and bathroom sat Nugget in her pool. This is the part of Nugget's life where she started to become an attraction. I'm not sure who came up with the idea, but the 4 guys in the house had their picture taken with Nugget. Then, some friends that came over regularly had their pictures taken with Nugget. Eventually, anyone who came into their house had to go upstairs and get their picture taken. The pictures were then posted on the walls surrounding Nugget. Some people were funny and acted like they were going to eat her. Others put her on their heads. Every once in a while you would see a picture of someone who REALLY didn't want to hold her, so you would see an arm in the picture while the person in the photo is smiling in the background. There are a lot of pictures of people we don't know but I would say the best one is from the Halloween party of the guy in the pink bunny costume. Classic.

Bunny Dude

 

Click here to see some more of these amazing photographs. Please note that we have SO many more pictures that are not shown on this site. So if you are reading this and don't see your picture and you know you have one, please be patient. We plan to get all of them out there.

We tried to continue this once we got our own house and got married, but we just didn't keep up with it.  That is something we may remedy going forward.  So now comes the point in the story where I come in. Once Brian and I decided to get married, Brian told me one night that he was thinking about giving Nugget to the MN Zoo. He knew that she would live a long time and didn't want to make me have her as a pet too. I immediately got very upset at him and couldn't believe he would give her up so easily. I told him that there is no way I wanted to give her up and shame on him for even THINKING it. Well, it turns out it was a little test for me and I passed. Jerk. 

So, we have a tortoise. Everyone loves to visit her and talk about her. "Hey, have you been to Brian and Gina's? They have a tortoise!" She has become a part of our lives and all of us love her. So, back to going to the visit to the vet...

Nugget's nails and beak grow because she doesn't have anything in her enclosure to wear them down on. So we have to get them trimmed. We have only done this twice in the 15 years Brian has had her so it isn't that big of a deal. The girls and I brought her in to Valley View Pet Hospital (AMAZING VET!) on Wednesday and after the vet looked her over he agreed that she is around 30 years old and is very strong. (These are good things). We started talking about her beak and what we can do to avoid coming in to get it trimmed. This included putting some grass or hay in her cage for her to chew on. He also mentioned that sometimes a beak will grow rather fast due to a liver issue that can occur. If we wanted to do blood work while she was under anesthesia to trim the beak, we could check for anything out of the ordinary. The vet wasn't overly concerned, but I told him to go ahead with the blood work and give me a call when we could pick her up. 

Well, we picked her up on Thursday and test results came back Friday. Something with her liver was off. I couldn't believe it. I immediately got tears in my eyes and wondered how I was going to tell Brian. He took the news well and called the Dr. with the results.

The only way to tell what was going on was to do a biopsy and although it can be done, it really isn't recommended. (The vet would have to cut through her shell. Yikes.) Whatever was wrong could be anything from a treatable condition to cancer. We just won't know. So, the vet recommended that we treat the symptoms. A shot every other day for 5 days (I think), along with medicine in her food. He also told us that he has seen tortoises have something like this and live 10 more years. There is just no telling what is going on inside that shell and what is going to happen. Brian was also concerned about her being in pain. The vet told us that multiple studies has been done on tortoises pain tolerance and the studies come up inconclusive. There has been no way to tell that tortoises even FEEL pain. 

Something you should know about me and Nugget...Brian feeds her and changes out her sand. I have a very hard time remembering that she is even in the house. It's not like she comes crawling up to me to cuddle or scratching at my leg to be let out. There are times during the winter where she doesn't eat for weeks! She isn't the most interactive pet. Don't get me wrong, I like the little bugger, but it is hard to remember we have her some days. Now, trying to come to grips with not having her in the house I feel completely devastated! I never realized how much I took her for granted. Not everyone has a pet like her in their house and I have to say I am really glad we have her.

So, as of now, I will be learning how to give Nugget a shot and just keeping everything as normal as possible for her. We will watch for signs of deterioration, but our hope is that the medicine takes care of whatever is going on with her and we can keep her in our lives for another 10 or more years.

Nugget

We'll All Float On Alright

Dear Rory,

Yep. Its been about that long since I have written you a letter. You come sneaking up on me when I least expect it. I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it definitely is a thing.

This week it was Natalie. We were at church and instead of having the prayers of the people read by one person, sometimes the congregation writes their prayers down and we bring them up to a basket at the front of the church. Sunday was one of those times. I asked Natalie if there was anyone she wanted to pray for, if she knew of anyone who was sick that she wanted to feel better. She said "Rory." I was completely caught off guard.

Her prayer went something like this (with some guidance from me):
Dear God, I hope Rory feels better now that he is up in heaven with you. Love Natalie.

Then, today Brian and I were cleaning out our room and he found a notebook with a score sheet in it. It was the last time we played "Jables" with you. Not to mention all the pictures from your funeral that we had hidden in a drawer because we couldn't look at them anymore.

Finally, in a conversation that Brian had with his aunt about music, Modest Mouse's Float On was brought up. All day it has been playing in my head. Maybe this is the next stage of my grief. Maybe it is the next stage of understanding my faith. Am I letting you go?  Is God trying to heal my heart? I'm not sure about any of that. What I am sure about is that it's a damn good song.

I miss you terribly.
I love you dearly.
I'm sad you're not here.
Gina

Enchilada!

Are you wondering why I am posting all of these recipes? Well, let me tell you...

Brian has work wives. Yes, work wives. It isn't enough to just have me. He has not one but TWO work wives. I don't think he was looking for them. He must have a helplessness about him and some women must be drawn to that. Or, he is starting to produce estrogen. Either way, when we have a lot of left overs from dinner, Brian will bring extra a share. (Yes, he did well in kindergarten.)

On top of sharing my meals with the ladies, he proceeded to show them our Google Calendar. Each of us in the family has a color that shows up on the calendar when we have things going on. Well, there is also a dinner calendar. I plan meals for about two weeks, and buy groceries accordingly. It has taken me a LONG time to work this out, but when Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac, I had to plan more. I didn't have a choice. No more fast food or Campbell's Soup casseroles for us. There are also weeks that I don't plan because I fell off the wagon, but I try and do it because it helps us eat healthier meals.

So, the wives have wanted a couple of my recipes and I thought this was the easiest way for them as well as others to get some new dinner ideas.

This is one of Brian's favorite meals that I make. My mom used to make enchiladas using Hormel Chili instead of enchilada sauce. Imagine my surprise that while grocery shopping one day, I found sauce specifically for ENCHILADAS! However, I did not notice that the sauce came in mild and hot, and I proceeded to buy the hot. I make sure to check the label now. I adapted my mother's recipe and came up with this. Enjoy!

Enchiladas
1 lb. hamburger
2 cans refried beans
2 c. shredded cheese (I use Colby Jack, but you can use what you have in the fridge)
1 or 2 cans enchilada sauce - depending on how many you are making
2 packages of burrito size flour tortillas
lettuce
salsa or tomato or both
avocado
tortilla chips
sour cream

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brown hamburger in large pan and drain grease. Add refried beans and 1 c. shredded cheese. Mix and warm until smooth and cheese is melted. Scoop meat/bean mixture into tortillas. I usually use a soup spoon and put two heaping spoonfuls into a tortilla and roll it up pretty snug. Continue to do this until all mixture is used. For me, this usually makes about 10-12 enchiladas.

If making 4 enchiladas:
Use one can enchilada sauce. Spray bottom of glass 8x11 or 9x13 with cooking spray. Pour small amount of sauce onto the bottom of your dish and spread around to coat. If you forget to do this, your enchiladas will stick to the bottom of your baking dish. Place 4 enchiladas into your dish and pour the rest of the enchilada sauce over the enchiladas. Cover with foil and bake for 30-40 min until sauce is bubbly. Remove from oven, take off the foil and top with 1 cup cheese. Put back into oven uncovered until cheese is melted. Serve with taco toppings. Enjoy!

BONUS!
What I love about this recipe is that sometimes I will just make the enchiladas and wrap 4-5 of them in plastic wrap and put them in the freezer. When I want to make them, I grab them out of the freezer, put them in a dish, cook and dinner is done! You can thaw them or cook them frozen. Just follow the steps above. If you are cooking them frozen, they will take 50-60 minutes.

GLUTEN FREE
I know you think I've lost my marbles saying this recipe is gluten free. Because, its not. But when we have enchiladas, what I will do, is save some of the meat/bean mixture for Natalie and spread it on corn tortillas for her and cook it on the stove top, like a quesadilla but with beans and meat instead of just cheese. I have tried using corn tortillas instead of flour for this recipe, but haven't quite mastered it yet. The corn tortillas get all cracked and crumbly. Also, be careful which enchilada sauces you are buying. Some are gluten free and some aren't.

In Their Words Wednesday

Goodness. I do love my kids.

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While eating dinner, Macie went to touch something close to or on Natalie's plate.
Natalie: MACIE! Don't touch my food with your gluten fingers!

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Natalie: Mom, this is how I talk to Evie in my polite voice...
(her voice gets 2 octaves higher) Hi! Hi Evie! Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!


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Me: What did you do at free-choice today?
Natalie: Played Leap Frog. But Mom, they weren't real frogs cause if they were, they would be peein' and jumpin' all OVER the place!


Thanks for the visual.

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While we were laying in bed one morning, Macie bonked her head on the wall.
Macie: Ow. That tickled Mamma!
Me: It did?
Macie: Yea. But Mamma, when I say it tickled, it actually hurt. I just joking when I say that.
Me: Oh. Ok. I'm glad you understand the difference. :)

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A few times this week I have gotten to observe Brian and Evie adore each other. Brian lays on the ground  puts her next to him. She lays there and simply stares at him. Most of the time she smiles then every once in a while you will hear a soft coo and she starts to pant, kick and flail her arms wildly. They are so deeply in love with each other. I'm sure I will never see a more beautiful sight than this.

Insert tears. ;)
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June 24th, 2010

Evie Marie Stangl

Born: June 24th, 2010 at 4:15 p.m.

6 lbs. 7 oz.

19 1/4 in.

Dear Evie,

You are finally here and all of us are so glad! However getting you into this world was quite a process, but what labor isn't? I want to write this down so that you know and so that I don't forget, so here goes...

Saturday, June 19th, 2010

Natalie and Macie were spending the weekend with Grandma and Papa so Mommy and Daddy could get some much needed rest. Every day towards the end of your pregnancy was tiring and by 6pm every night I was in the tub to relax then to the couch to rest. We spent Saturday outside with friends at a crayfish boil. The weather was beautiful and I even managed to get a little sun. Daddy and I got home and as we started to get ready for bed, I noticed that I started to have some contractions. They weren't very painful but I could definitely tell something was going on. So, off we headed to the hospital.

I was having contractions, but they weren't very strong, so the Dr. on call decided to give me something to stop the contractions and by 10:00 am we were headed home.

Sunday, June 20th, 2010
Sunday was very uneventful. We spent the day resting and your sisters came home from Grandma and Papa's house. All of us were getting very impatient to meet you!

Monday, June 21st, 2010
Natalie and Macie headed to daycare and I spent the day resting. Around dinner time, I started to not feel very good...again. This time, my contractions were much more painful than two nights ago, but they were only coming every 20 minutes or so. As the hours passed, I continued to contract but nothing was very consistent. By 1:00 am, we decided to call the Dr. and he recommended that once my contractions reached 5 minutes apart, to head to the hospital. Of course, once I got off the phone, they stopped. Arg.

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010
Daddy took the day off of work to go to the Dr. with me. We had been up most of the night wondering if tonight was the night you were going to make your grand entrance, so needless to say, we were both pretty tired. We saw the Dr. and she told me that I was 4-5 cm dilated and to continue to wait it out. This, of course, put me into tears because I so badly wanted to be done being pregnant and anxious to meet you. They sent me home to rest and relax. She also reminded me that the longer you stayed in my tummy, the better it was for health reasons. So, the waiting continued.

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

The day was pretty uneventful but once dinner time rolled around, the contractions started again. This time, they were close together and painful. I didn't want to go to the hospital, but Daddy insisted. We called Grandma to come and watch your sisters and off we went. The nurses put me in a room and monitored me for a while and yes, I was definitely in labor, however I was still not 37 weeks; I was 36 weeks 5 days. We walked the halls trying to progress labor but by 11:00 pm, everything had stopped...again. We didn't know what was going to happen. At that point, I just wanted to go home. However, that was not suggested and we decided to stay. I was still at 5 cm and the Dr. on call to give me an oral medication and a shot of morphine to help me sleep through the night. I was nervous about the morphine since I had never taken it, but finally made the decision to put my trust in the Drs. and nurses taking care of me and do what they thought was best. I have to say, that was the best decision we made. I got a wonderful night of sleep.

Thursday, June 24th, 2010
I woke up at 5:15 am and had the nurse check on me and when asked if I could sleep more, I said "Yes!" so, that's what I did. I woke up at 7:30 am ready for whatever they were going to tell me. My new nurse was Jan, a nurse that I had had for both of your sisters and is one of the most amazing people I have come into contact with in my life so far. She is amazing and loves her job. After checking my cervix she reassured me that, no, I wasn't going home. After she told me that, I was ready to name you Jan.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I wasn't in as much pain and did some more walking to see if I could move things along. I went from a 5 to a 5 1/2 but it was enough for my Dr. to give permission for an epidural and pitocin. Jan had to help with another labor so she introduced us to Jessica. Again, another amazing woman. We waited for the pitocin to start to work and after an hour or so, a resident came in to break my water.

~Sidenote~ I love watching nurses teach residents what to do!

I still was not making a lot of progress and Jessica noticed that the resident may not have broken my water like she thought she did, so Jessica gave it a shot. She definitely accomplished the task. Not long after that I was fully dilated and my Dr. was called. Jessica suggested that I start to push you out so that when the Dr. arrived she would just have to catch. We went through a couple of rounds of pushing and after 3 or 4 rounds Jessica says "Ok, I want you to push one more time, but I may you stop depending on how close the baby is to crowning...OK STOP! We are going to wait now." It's a good thing I had an epidural, otherwise there would have been no stopping!

My Dr. came through the door minutes later panting! She was stuck in detours and construction and I am pretty sure she ran as soon as she parked her car. Once she was ready, I pushed and not long after, out you came. It was such an amazing moment for all of us in the room. Our Dr. who had been with us through all the scary parts of the pregnancy, Jessica who had helped us through out most of my labor during the day and Daddy and I.

The Dr. held you up and immediately I started to laugh and cry all at the same time. I was so excited that you were a girl. You completed our family and had fought your way to be with us. You were placed on my chest and Daddy and I couldn't stop giggling and crying. As I looked at my Dr., she was smiling and crying with us. What an amazing person. There was no hurry to take you away from me. I cleaned you off and kissed you, and Daddy named you Evie. What a perfect little girl you were the moment you breathed your first breath.

As soon as I could I called Grandma and she put Natalie on the phone...
Natalie: Hi Momma! Are you coming home?
Me: Soon honey...Mommy had the baby.
Natalie: You had the baby!?!?
Me: Yea! You have another baby sister.
Natalie: (big inhaled breath) MACIE WE HAVE A BABY SISTER!
The sound of her excitement still replays in my head when I watch her with you.

Evie, we didn't know if you would make it to us safe. On the day you arrived it was one of the happiest days of our lives. We love you so much and can't wait to watch you grow and see what kind of person you are going to become.

I love you always.
Mommy

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. ~Carl Sagan

Dear Baby,

I sit here and continue to wait for your arrival. Will it really take 32 more days until I get to meet you? Will it take less? more? You are still very active in my belly; continuing to toss and turn whenever I am still. My body tries to make room for you and you have no problems pushing whatever you want out of the way.

I am so curious to meet you. First of all, are you a boy or a girl? Through the beginning part of this pregnancy, there was no question in my mind that you are our third and final girl. But the more active you became, both Daddy and I agreed you must be a boy! Now, I'm just not sure. I don't have a feeling either way about your gender but I do know that you are a fighter. From the beginning you have been a fighter and it is something I already love about you.

Second, your name. This has been very hard for Daddy and I. I have given up and left it up to your Dad. I think he has it down to two girl names and two boy names but I think we will still have to spend some time with you before we pick one out. As we searched for names that we liked, we found many, but none that we were absolutely in love with. We didn't even disagree about names. Everything was just Ok. We don't want something too popular or anything that can be spelled 12 different ways. Papa Snyder insists on calling you Vince whether you are a boy OR a girl and Grandma Snyder likes Ronnie (Veronica) or Hannah if you are a girl. Natalie decided a while ago that if you are a boy you should be named Hent, Tent or Trent, and if you are a girl, Sparkle. We will just have to see I guess.

Third, I can't wait for you to meet your sisters. Natalie loves to feel you move around in my belly. She thinks that you are going to be a boy even though she would be ok if she got another sister. She is always coming up to me and asking "Is the baby moving Mamma?" or "I feel something hard right there! What is that?" She can't wait to hold you, take care of you and make you laugh. She is already such a good big sister to Macie. Even though I know she wasn't too  thrilled on having another sibling in the first place, I think she is pretty excited now.

Macie has not been very interested in you until about two weeks ago. She thinks you are going to be a girl. She also has started to touch my belly a lot and insists on kissing and hugging my belly, saying goodbye when I drop her off at daycare and goodnight to you when I tuck her into bed. She asks "Is the baby coming out now?", "Does the baby hurt you Mamma?" and "I want to hold her!" It is so hard for her to wait. I think Macie is going to be my biggest helper once you come. She is not as interactive with other babies we are around, but has to make sure that they have toys, snacks, their cup, whatever is needed to keep them happy. She can't wait to be a big sister.

Fourth, I can't wait for you to meet your Daddy. He is amazing. It took him a little longer to know if he wanted you or not, but I think in his heart he knew you would always be a part of our lives. Many people seem to think that just because we have had two girls already, that we wanted to have a third to try for a boy. But to tell you the truth, we wanted a third CHILD. Boy or girl makes no difference to us. We didn't decide to have children to have a specific gender. We just wanted kids. Daddy loves babies and I can't wait for him to hold you, swaddle you (he is a master at this) and brag about you just like he does about the girls. Even though you are our third, I feel as if he may be more of a baby hog with you. I don't really know why, it is just a feeling I have.

So, I will continue to wait little one. I will tell you to take your time, but as each day passes it is getting harder and harder to be patient. I will continue to count the days.

I love you.
Mamma

In Their Words Wednesday

This is from the last two weeks. It isn't a lot, but I have been wanting to get it out there. Hopefully I can keep it up Elena. Enjoy!

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Brian:What do you think about that Nattie?
Natalie: Daddy, I like Natalie better. Some people call me Nattie, but I like Natalie the best.
Brian: But I can still call you Nattie, right?
Natalie: Yea, but I still like Natalie the best.

Ok, I guess she has an opinion about her name.

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Brian: Where did this rain come from?!?!
Macie: I don't know.
Natalie: Rainclouds.
Brian: Thank you Captain Obvious.

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Natalie: Dad, I took the binder out of Ariel Princess's hair (her Barbie doll) and it was OUT OF CONTROL!

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In Their Words Wednesday

Ok Elena. I'm gonna give this a try and hopefully I will be able to keep it up! There is only a few, but I think I have to just tune in a little more to what the girls are saying. Most of the time they are pretty funny, but I am so used to the quirky things they say, that I don't realize they are funny until someone comes over, hears their conversations or has a conversation with them, and starts to laugh.

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Natalie: Mom! Look at my toe!
Me: What? What happened...
Natalie: It's bleeding.
Me: Oh. Why?
Natalie: I don't know. I stubbed it on something sharp. (with a "duh" look on her face)

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While eating grapes at the table, Macie takes a bunch that are still on the vine. As she is picking them off of the vine, one of the stems comes off with the grape.
She looks at the grape and says: "What the..."

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Brian picked up the girls from daycare and on their way to a park the Ke$ha song "Your Love is My Drug" song came on. I hate Ke$ha, but this song so catchy to me, so when it comes on, me and the girls rock out. Brian hates the song but decided to leave it on.
When it was done Natalie said: Daddy, my favorite part of the song is when she says "crack head." It's funny!
My influence is not so good on the girls apparently.

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So Human

Love...

• Diet Coke - warm or cold, I can't get enough
• Spearmint Life Savers - I could eat an entire bag and not care if I get gut rot
• Double Stuf Oreos - 'nuf said
• All American Rejects - I can listen to their albums from start to finish
• Bull Durham - Best. Baseball. Movie. Ever.
• Sarcasm - I don't care if people think I use sarcasm because I am unhappy. It is a part of me and even though I need to keep it in check sometimes, it makes me smile
• Baths - Summer or winter, I love a hot bath - the kind that makes your skin turn red
• My Grandma's potato salad - she can't write down the recipe but knows its right because of how it looks. I've decided she has to live forever or at least as long as I do so I can always eat her potato salad in the summer
• Brian and my girls - that's a given
• Flannel sheets
• Peas - I always have and always will
• Raspberries - pick and eat until you are full
• A good sneeze
• The sun - I'm like a cat. If the sun is shining in the house somewhere, I will find it and curl up
• Our church - we have found a community that we love and want to contribute to. I can't wait for Sunday's to come around
• Rain - I always sleep better and I love the smell (not the worm smell, the other smell)
• Sleeping
• When I'm teaching and I can physically SEE when a child learns something
• Reading - I have only recently become a lover of reading but I can't get enough
• Playing cards - Gin, Rummy, Euchre, 99, Cribbage, I love a good card game - however if you play me, I want to win
• When I can talk baseball and sound somewhat intelligent
• A good piece of steak - cooked rare perfectly on the grill. My dad has ruined me in this category and I thank him for it
• Shoes - tennis, crocs, wedges, flats, boots, I want them all
• Marshmallows - the best fat free snack and potty training tool in the world
• Big Bang Theory, The Mentalist and Deadliest Catch
• Ice - I am an ice chewer. I will thank Mom for that one. And on top of that, I am an ice snob! Do you know there are places that have better ice than others? True story

Dislike

• Heartburn
• Olives
• Mushrooms
• Pants that look good but are uncomfortable to wear
• When your nose is stuffed on only one side
• That I am TOO opinionated at times. Some things just need to be kept to myself and that's ok!
• Cleaning the bathroom
• The two weeks during strato season where all the boys are calling Brian working out trades and asking opinions
• That Justin Morneau has to have a full count more often than not when batting. It stresses me out - don't judge
• That Natalie is growing up
• Exercising - Ew
• Rage Against the Machine - again, Ew
• Money - It's no good
• Rory's gone
• Restless Leg Syndrome
• Waking up and having some part of my body that has "fallen asleep" - especially my hands/arms

These are just some things on my mind tonight.

Being a single parent is not for me

Brian left for Richmond to go watch NASCAR on Wednesday which means I have been a single parent for 4 whole days. My first concern was "Who will bring me my juice in the morning?" which, of course is a major deal! We have a very nice routine every morning and that was going to be interrupted because of Brian's vacation with my Dad and brother in-laws. But if you know anything about the type of husband and father Brian is, you know that he so deserves this vacation.

The girls and I have been managing just fine. We even planned a night at a hotel/water park with my mom and sisters and their kids. 4 adults and 6 kids under the age of 5 was quite the experience. The girls had a blast with their cousins and loved staying at the hotel. However, having an adventure like this while being 29 weeks pregnant is not something that I would want to do again. Everything just hurts more this time around and my Dr. simply says "It gets worse with every pregnancy." Oh. Ok.

Brian's cousin was nice enough to come over on Friday to hang out with the pooch so I didn't have to kennel him. Then she stayed until late on Saturday which was awesome. The girls LOVE hanging out with her and I was able to stay somewhat emotionally and mentally stable through Saturday. Molly came over too, but due to a puppy who is just excited about everything, she had to get that doggie back home.

I would have to say the highlight of the weekend was eating dinner Saturday night. I made pasta with chicken and veggies and Macie just wasn't interested in her food. She would pick at it but that was about it. Finally, I was done trying to convince her to eat, and told her that she could be done and to get down from the table. She looked at me, tears filling her eyes, lip in full pout mode and said "I miss my Daddy!" and proceeded to cry. It was really quite sweet. We cuddled and a few minutes later she was ok.

Brian comes back today, but instead of coming home, he is heading right to the softball fields for a double header. We will meet him up there for his first game so we can say hi, then home and off to bed. I have to say, 8:00pm can't come fast enough.

Who is tapping me on the shoulder?

A couple of weeks ago I posted about life and life changes. Well, I'm going to come clean and say that there were some things in the works when I posted that blog entry. Here we go...

About a month or so ago a friend of mine from another school in the district asked me to job share with her. At the time, it just didn't seem doable. I didn't want to leave my current school and I didn't think we could cut my paycheck in half and make life work. Two weeks ago someone from the school that I am currently working in asked me to job share out of the blue. She teaches kindergarten and was looking to go to part time. She had other options, but knowing I was pregnant with Baby #3 and job sharing herself with three kids a little while ago, she just thought she would ask. Well, she got me thinking. SERIOUSLY thinking. CRYING I was thinking so hard.

Was God tapping me on the shoulder? Slow down Gina. Think about this. I'm not going to tap again.

Brian and I made lists, budgets, talked with friends, family and daycare. We talked about what life would look like with that kind of pay cut and what would come out of me working part time. Some of it added up just fine and some of it didn't. It came down to time with the kids. Do you get that time back? No. Do I want to be a stay at home mom full time? No. Do I want to leave teaching? No.

Job sharing seems to be the best of both worlds and I am very excited to give it a try. Well, today I got word that the district approved the job share so that is the plan next year. My friend will be coming to first grade and we will be splitting weeks instead of splitting days. I will work Monday's and Tuesday's and she will work Thursday's and Friday's and we will work every other Wednesday. Overall we will each work 87 of the 174 student contact days out of the year. So I will get a four or five day weekend every week. Sweet! I will get to be home with the new baby and the girls two or three days out of the work week. Awesome! I will get to continue to teach. Great!

So, thank you for tapping.

More Bacon Than the Pan Can Handle

It's late and restless leg is getting the best of me. I first experienced restless leg when I was pregnant with Natalie and I have to say, I think it is one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever experienced. I had it with Macie as well, but it came a little earlier in the pregnancy. With this baby, it came on much earlier. Since I was on bed rest from week 11, the uncomfortable feeling in my legs came at 12 weeks. I had been hoping that the feeling would subside a little when I went back to work full time and was on my feet more, but, no such luck. Now, here I sit at 12:09 at night with my mind racing and my legs wanting to run along with it.

I am a full time working mom. It is not something I am ashamed of. I love what I do and feel that I would not be a good stay at home mom. Some women are meant to be at home with their kids. They come up with activities, sign up for classes and can keep up a routine. I have the opportunity to do this every summer and can manage a routine for a good two weeks before it all falls apart. My job is where I have structure, routine and sanity; even if it does involve twenty-one 6 year olds.

Baby #3 is what has my mind going tonight. July is the scheduled time for this child to come into our lives and I don't feel as if I will have enough time with him/her. Natalie was born in May, so I got to have the full summer to get to know her and being that I was just starting my job, I was excited to get to start work. Macie was a February baby and even though it was difficult to drop her off at daycare at 6 weeks old, I knew that summer wasn't far away and we would have time together. Baby #3's time seems to be cut short. Depending on when baby makes his/her grand entrance, week six comes right around workshop week and I am in it for the year. When do I get to know this child? Unless God has a different plan for us, Brian and I are planning on this being our last child. I don't want to miss out on anything because of work, but I don't think I can handle being a full time stay at home mom either.

It's not like there isn't options; there are. Having options means that decisions need to be made. Making decisions is going to turn our family down one path or another. There is not a "right" path. The choice is the difficult part - left or right. I continue to pray for guidance and peace of mind and know that with time, things will work themselves out.

What a Day

Today has been interesting. First of all, I want to say that I am now addicted to finding blog backgrounds. I have started this new blog and all I want to do is search for cute and fun backgrounds to apply to my blog. Please do not be surprised to see my page change weekly. I definitely have a problem. It is very similar to my addiction to scrapbooking paper. In the words of Depeche Mode, "I just can't get enough." (Yes, I had to look that up.)

At school, the highlight of my morning was when one of my first graders wrote a story about a hoop named Basket and a basketball named Ball. The problem in this story is that the net breaks. When I asked my student if the problem was going to be fixed by Basket going to see a net doctor, he looked at me like "Are you nuts?" and said "No. They are just going to glue it." Ok then.

Next, we headed up to school with Natalie for kindergarten round up. I have to say this was very weird for me. It is hard for me to be a parent in these situations. I walk in a school and my brain switches into teacher mode and I see a bunch of parents with their kids and forget that I am part of that group too. Its weird. I sat there listening to the principal talk about lots of stuff, all good information for parents to know, and didn't feel like she was talking to me. Natalie was super excited and kept asking which teacher she was going to have and which classroom was hers. We walked in all the rooms, met a couple of the teachers and where ever she ends up, she is going to love it.

Finally, more reality set in. We walked into the gym to sit down for the presentation and there are two lunch tables set up with activities for the kids. One table had crayons and color sheets, the other had a snack on it; graham crackers, pretzels, animal crackers and some frosting. Gluten, gluten and more gluten. Brian's response, "And it starts here for Natalie." Wow. My heart sank.

Most of the time I have accepted that Celiac Disease is a part of our lives. It is not as big of a deal as I once thought it would be. Natalie is an amazing kid and very responsible when it comes to what she can and cannot eat. I have thought many times about what school is going to be like for her when it comes to food. It is OUR responsibility as parents to provide for her. I do not expect the school or the teachers to work around her food needs or be responsible for providing for her. Parents who want the world changed because their child has food needs or otherwise, tend to urk me. That's right. I said URK. Is Natalie different? Yes. Am I sad that she cannot have the same foods other kids can have? Yes. Do I expect everyone to cater to her? Absolutely not. Yes, there are times when I will try my hardest to get her something that is the same as everyone else, but the reality is, she isn't like everyone else and the earlier she realizes that, the better off she will be, in my opinion. I have already witnessed her talking to some of her friends when they ask her why she has to have special foods and she is so matter of fact. She just looks at them and says, "Well, that has gluten and I can't have gluten. I have a special (donut, cookie, cracker, whatever it happens to be that day) and it won't hurt my tummy." What a kid.

The days pass and my belly gets bigger. Baby #3 is a mover and a shaker. I worry about what baby is going to do to my insides once he/she gets bigger and doesn't have as much room to do the somersaults he/she is so fond of. Time will tell.

Do I start to blog again? Or Not...

I have recently switched to this blog site because the one I was using previously was blocked at work. I also like that this blog is a google application and I use some of their apps already. The last post on the other blog was another letter to Rory. I am glad I still write them and think that it is very therapeutic for me when I am feeling very emotional about him. However, there has been a lot going on in the past six months that I would like to touch on as well. So, here goes...

September: The school year started off great and after going back and forth about having another child, Brian and I decided, why not. Unfortunately, the pregnancy didn't stick and we lost the baby at six weeks. Although this was hard, there was so much support and love surrounding me I got through that time okay. Natalie started her second year of preschool (two days a week) and, just like last year, loved school and her teacher. Macie continues to come into her own and started to talk a lot more. Molly who had been living with us for about 18 months bought her own town home and moved out. Brian and I are so proud of all of the steps she has made to move forward in her life.

October: We were told to wait, and didn't listen. October came around and I was pregnant...again. We are so blessed to not have fertility problems and everything felt different about this pregnancy. We made it to the apple orchard a couple of times and Halloween was a blast.

November: Nothing exciting. November was a boring month.

December: I started to show already and also found out that our neighbors were also going to be having a baby. We were all so excited. Got though Rory's birthday. Got through Rory's death day. The month seemed to fly by, but just in time for Christmas, Dec. 21, I started to bleed. I was 11 weeks and thought I was going to miscarry. I made it through the night without too much more bleeding and after another ultrasound it looked as if the baby was fine, but that I had a hemorrhage. We later found out that the placenta had tore away from the wall of my uterus and caused the bleed. I was put on bed rest and tried to learn what that meant. I still don't completely know.

January: I didn't return to work until I could see my Dr. and decide what was best for me and the baby. Our family, friends, neighbors and church surrounded us with support and prayers throughout the entire situation. It was amazing. I went back to work part time from the second week of January and was glad to be out of the house for part of the day. My father in law passed the winter time away by building the girls beautiful bunk beds which they absolutely love. I was also sent to a perinatologist to have a level 2 ultrasound done to check out how things were progressing with the baby. 20 weeks was the benchmark I had to make it to, so I had to continue to take it easy and just wait.

February: I had a birthday and Macie had a birthday. I can't believe she is 3. What an amazing little girl she has become. I also had my 20 week ultrasound with the perinatologist at which point he said "You healed yourself! I told you you would." And, life returned to normal...somewhat. The stress was gone and I went back to work full time. This was a very good thing. :)

March: March also came and went quickly. I was glad to be back at work full time and I think my students were glad too...I think. Now that the stress of a high risk pregnancy was gone my belly popped out more than ever and the baby was moving around like nothing was ever wrong. We continued to switch the playroom to a nursery and the name search had begun. Natalie wants a brother and Macie wants a sister, however when asked who gets to decide these things they both answer "God." Thats right little girls! Natalie has mentioned suggestions for names though: Boy: Trent, Girl: Sparkle. Thank you 4 year old.

April: April is well on its way and the baby is more active than ever. Both Brian and I thought that we would always have 3 girls, but we both get the feeling that this one is a boy. Heartrates continue to be between 150-155 bpm, but the movement just doesn't stop. Especially from 6-11pm.

All in all, we are loving life and can't wait for what the rest of the year has to bring us. I hope I can continue to find time to post on this blog. It is a way for me to journal and remember. If people read it, that's great, but really I just need a place to share and vent...whether anyone is listening or not. :)

I Just Can't Get Enough

On Feb. 16th 2009 I got my second tattoo. I have always wanted tattoos but I didn't expect to be as addicted as I already am. I am not saying that I am willing to spend thousands on body art or put them in places for all to see, but I do love them.

At one point last year I was looking at the "Winter" Tattoo I got in rememberace of Rory and I thought, "I have chosen to remember someone I cared about by permanently changing a part of my body, but I have nothing to symbolize the one person in my life who makes me whole. That's stupid."

So, yesterday Brian and I went to Cossettas and had cheese pizza and an IBC Root Beer and went to Saint Sabrina's to get my second tattoo. I love it and I am already thinking of what I want next. I mean, I have a whole other hip!

26 Tattoo

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25 Random Things

A facebook note turned blog.
1. Peas are my favorite vegetable.
2. I have known that I wanted to be a teacher since the 4th Grade.
3. I have never grown my hair out past my chin.
4. No one else in my immediate family has blue eyes, but luckily my girls did.
5. I love the sun! I'm like a cat. Where ever the sun is in my house, I will find it and lay in it for as long as possible.
6. I love to take naps. 2 hour ones if possible.
7. I have zero cavities in my teeth.
8. I have a Gene Simmons tongue and can curl it three times.
9. I love being pregnant.
10. I never thought I would own a minivan, and yet the silver bullet sits in the garage.
11. I'm convinced that if Brian and I were to have another child it would be a girl because my Mom said so when I was   a teenager...and I have no problems with that.
12. I eat peanut butter on a spoon like a lollipop. YUM!
13. Marshmallows are one of my favorite things to snack on.
14. After getting my first tattoo, I can't wait to get more. I am addicted.
15. I had my eyes lasered two summers ago and it was the best money we ever spent...according to me.
16. After hating pajamas for most of my adult life, I now think they are some of the greatest things on this earth. Brian will tell you differently.
17. Growing up I always sang backup to my sisters in the car. No one told me to, I just started noticing the other sounds/voices in the music we would listen to.
18. My dad nicknamed me Gypsy Woman and it stuck.
19. Sometime in my life I would like to visit Australia and Italy.
20. I am always watching two TV shows at a time. I hate commercials.
21. My favorite color has been green for as long as I can remember.
22. I could eat a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting if I wanted to.
23. I hate scary movies but will always watch vampire movies.
24. I hate making beds and cleaning bathrooms.
25. I am a picker. From pimples to peeling skin, I can't help myself. Ew, I know.

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Even Jesus Hates the Yankees

Jesus

So this blog is not about baseball but it is about our church.
On Dec. 30th I got a call from our pastor asking me to speak at church one Sunday during the month of January. But first of all, lets back up.
After the shit storm of 2007, I decided that I needed a place to go so that I could start to piece things together about why things happened the way they did over those few months. Church was the answer for me. It was no surprise that since I was brought up in a catholic family, I turned to God for answers. I just always disliked what the church had become; old, boring, scary and handing out guilt left and right.
So in March of last year we started to go to a mission church called Light of the World (LOTW) headed by a small but extremely charismatic female pastor. I connected with her right away. We have shared lots of great conversation over coffee and I have started to work out my personal beliefs and ideas about religion as well.
So, the 30th comes around and Pastor Deb calls me up and asks if I would be willing to share my story about how the community of the church has helped me and/or what it has meant to me since we started attending LOTW. I said yes and here is what I came up with. I just thought I would throw it out there so that I don't forget that I did it.
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I was brought up in a catholic family. My parents weren’t as strict as my grandparents were about religion, but we went to church every Sunday, no matter what. Church for me was a waste of an hour. I barely understood why I was there and what I did get out of it, I was scared of.
So, as I grew up I knew that church was important, but I had no desire to go. Once Brian and I had kids it seemed to become more urgent to find a church to bring the girls to, but whenever we went, I felt like we were more of a nuisance to the people around us, even though that probably wasn’t the case.
We stopped going and decided that we would find a church when the time was right, whenever that was.
Then the fall of 2007 Natalie couldn’t seem to stay healthy. One of our closest friends, who suffered from bi-polar disorder, took his life in December and Natalie’s illness increased. As we were grieving for our friend and going through testing with Natalie, I started to break down. Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which is an intolerance to gluten, and our lives got flipped. Our way of shopping and eating completely changed. I missed my friend, I was hurting for my daughter and I couldn’t keep up with teaching my first graders let alone be a good wife and a mother to Brian, Natalie and Macie.
A couple of weeks ago, Pastor Deb talked about Jesus looking for us when we are at our worst. Well, that’s when I decided that I needed him. Badly.
We took our baptism class for Macie with Pastor Deb at Shepherd of the Valley and we both really liked her right away. At that time she told us that she was starting a new church, how that came about and that it was going to be located in the Farmington area. In March of 2008, we attended LOTW for the first time and I immediately felt at home.
The more we attended, the more I felt whole. For the first time in my adult life, I wanted to belong to a community. I want to participate, join in, and give because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. The community has given so much to me in return as well. Finding people who have gone through similar situations or even just being a sincere ear to listen when I need to vent.
I am very lucky to have always had great family and friends that have supported me throughout my life.  I always thought that would be enough for me. As it turns out, it wasn’t. Now through LOTW, the spiritual part of my being is also being taken care of. I have this wonderful community that surrounds me and my family when things are going well and when they take an unexpected turn.
Natalie is doing great now and she even gets her own special cracker at communion.  If you didn’t know already, that’s us holding up the line each week.
I love that my girls can’t wait for Sunday to come so they can go to church to listen to the great music and run around with the other kids. I love that I don’t feel as if we are bothering anyone when they need to get up and run around the table because all I have to do is look next to me and most likely another little one is feeling the same way.
I am so excited for this church to grow, I am thrilled for with the future holds for this community, and it means a lot to me that I am going to be able to be a part of it.

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I Blog? Since When?!?!

Last weekend the in-law's took the girls for Saturday and Sunday like they always do for one weekend a month. We are so lucky to have family so close to watch them when we need a break. But I also have to say that you have to be open to letting others watch your kids, especially overnight. I have had many chats with acquaintances and friends who have difficulty having others watch their kids for a couple of hours let alone overnight!

Brian and I have always thought it is very important for the girls to have a special relationship with their grandparents. They are all still young and have energy to do tons with them. I also think it is important for the girls to be away from us and us them. When they come back home on Sunday from either set of grandparents house, there is always a few hours of tantrums and power struggles, but they soon subside and we are back to everyday life. If I could change anything as far as when we had kids, I would do it exactly the same. Is is stressful at times? Yes. Are we extremely blessed? Absolutely.

So what do Brian and I do on these weekends of being just a married couple without kids? Sleep. We love to sleep. I find that we do a lot of sitting around and not worrying. I think not having anything to keep us on our toes makes us tired because our brains aren't working like they usually have to! This weekend, Brian met Jeanine where we usually do and I stayed in bed. I watched T.V. and eventually fell back asleep. Brian showed up with coffee and we spent the next 2 hours talking. It was amazing. I don't remember the last time we talked like that.

We talked about Rory, the day he died, what it was like for both of us, what came after that and how we dealt with it and had a funny conversation about where we are going to put him in the yard. We acually laughed quite a bit about that because of how it sounded coming out of our mouths.

G: "We should go dig up that sprinkler head today"

B: "No, we don't have to. I have to move the corner head over because that is where we are going to put Rory."

G: "What?" (insert laughing) "That just sounded weird."

It was good for me to hear Brian relive and talk about how Dec. 19th went. So many things had to happen in the right order for that day to go the way it did. For Rory and for us.

I have started to think about him again a lot and I find that I am no longer crying. I am definately sad, but the tears don't come as easily. That being said, this is my disclaimer to the next blog I will be doing. I have recently written him another letter and for my own healing I need to get it out there. If you don't want to read it, that is completely fine. Like I said, it is for my own healing. Not to make others angry, sad or any other emotion that comes with grief.

Moving on...

We also had a lot of conversations about Natalie and Macie. We are already amazed at the little people they are becoming.

IMG_3545

Natalie has a lot of my stubborn characteristics which makes it hard for me to deal with her a lot of the time, but she also wants to please. She wants to be a good listener and can make anyone feel special when she wants to give them a hug. It is easy to see what kind of kid she is and doesn't hide a whole lot of her personality. What you see is what you get. She is shy at first but after about 30 min in a new situation, she is running around and playing like it was her own house. I am also amazed at her tollerace with other kids she plays with. Don't get me wrong, she is 3 and definately has her melt downs, but I have watched her try and work things out on her own instead of come crying to me. She is also a great big sister. Macie tends to wack her every once in a while, and after being stunned for the first couple seconds, she starts to laugh and makes a game out of it. I think as she continues to grow she is going to be a people pleaser and the kind of friend you want to have.

IMG_6406

Macie is a whole different story. But that is how it's suppose to be. I don't think we would have wanted two Natalies. Macie can be easy going but unlike Natalie, she doesn't show much personality in new situations. She is very reserved until she gets to know the people around her and this can take a while for her to get to know you. If you are lucky enough to see her with her guard down, that girl is amazing. She is funny, smart and a good listener. She also has a short temper and wants her way all the time. She is also much more physical than Natalie ever was. She has no problems hitting me, Brian or Natalie when she wants to play or when she is upset. We playfully call her Brusier, but in all reality I wouldn't be surprised if she tried out for the football team someday. I can say that I feel that there is something about her that people are going to be drawn to someday. I feel like she is going to walk to the beat of her own drum but others are going to wish they heard the same one. And heaven help the first boy who falls for her huge blue eyes. I think he will be ruined forever. 

IMG_6208

 

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SOOPerman

So, it's been a while and I have been thinking of this post for pretty much that whole while. I think that means I should get it out there so it's off of my mind.
Some of you may be wondering how I am doing. The answer is...fine. If you weren't wondering, the answer is still...fine. I can say that I am not overwhelmingly happy and I'm not overwhelmingly sad either. The only emotion that seems to get a little out of control is anger. This is not to say that I am angry all the time.
Updates:
The girls are hilarious. They play so well together! Natalie is the only person who can make Macie laugh in a split second and I love hearing that giggle. This weekend was the first time I left the two of them alone in Nattie's room to play and after a while I heard Nattie close the door. I waited a while and never heard any screaming so I left it shut. Curiosity finally got the better of me and when I peeked in after a few minutes I saw one of the moments that will always stick in my head. Natalie was sitting on her bed with a book "reading" it to Macie and Macie was on the floor looking through a book too! It was great.
Natalie has an overactive imagination and this is by no means an insult. She is constantly singing, not real songs, but just whatever tune and words come out of her mouth. She also has gained already so much knowledge about what she can and can't eat. She amazes me everyday.
Macie can melt you with her eyes. Lord help the boys. But she can also shoot daggers with them. She is still so much of a puzzle to me. I definitely know when she is unhappy, but there are so many moments of the day that I wish I knew what she was thinking. She also loves to eat. She shovels food in two hands at a time and still wants more once her tray is empty. That is probably because most of her food ends up on her lap. Macie is also very much a Mama's girl. She does not like to let many people hold her. In fact, Brian and I counted five people she will reach for. Otherwise I have to rip her away from me and run out of site so that she will stay with the other person. It's ridiculous and draining for me.
Other Thoughts:
Many of you know that I haven't been quite myself. Some of you have expressed concern about my mental state because of all the craziness that has been going on in our (Brian and I) lives. I can say that no, I have not been all that great. I can say that I have found someone to talk to and I think that that has been helping. But I am constantly asking myself "When am I going to be me again!" That's all I want. I want to be mostly happy all of the time. I want to be able to handle the stresses and decisions that life gives me. I want to stop crying so much and I don't want people to worry about me. But right now, that is just not the case. Which brings me to the title of my post.
Soop came over one night for dinner just to hang out. We also wanted him and Molly to be in the same room with us because they are two of the funniest people we know, so really the dinner was mostly for selfish reasons on our part. They didn't disappoint. We spent a lot of the night laughing.
After the girls went to bed I asked how Soop had been handling Rory's death. I am almost obsessed with how others are dealing with his suicide because I am just so angry. And if people aren't angry, are they sad? How sad? When? I don't know where this curiosity is coming from and it's not my business, but I just wonder how others are dealing because I have having difficulty "dealing." I don't even refer to Rory by his name lately. When something comes up and I want to talk about him, I will usually use some form of a curse word that I can turn into a noun. Many times it's a string of words. Ask Brian, Molly or Sarah. They have all heard many combinations. I have also heard mention of people dreaming of Rory and I am jealous. I haven't dreamt about him since the week he died and I can probably tell you why...He doesn't want to hear what I have to say to him. He never liked being lectured and I'm sure that hasn't changed. Anyways, back to the story...
Super had said that he was still sad and talked about different times that he has thought about him and when the sadness will hit him. Super has had his share of grief unfortunately, and in talking, it never gets easier - but there does seem to be a process. And that process is different for everyone I think.
I talked a little about my anger and I mentioned the statement above: "I just want to know, when am I going to be me again!?!?"
To which Super's reply was, "But, do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?"  
Huh, maybe not. I had never thought about it that way before. I have been so focused on trying to get back to being the Gina that I was before the main craziness of the year happened, I didn't even realize that that may not be possible. I have to work on being a different Gina. A Gina that has to deal with a good friend who decided to commit suicide and I couldn't do jack shit about it. He made up his mind and I wasn't enough of a reason to stick around and keep trying. Neither was any of the MANY other people that cared so much about him. I have to deal with his decision and so do those other people and that sucks. It completely pisses me off. I have to be the kind of Gina that has to think about everything that my daughter eats because if I don't she is going to be in pain.
I also have to say that the person I am working towards becoming isn't better or worse than the one I was. Just different. When a piece of you is gone, you can't be the same. When life changing events happen you have to live differently, you can't be the same. It's like any other life changing event...having a baby, buying a house, getting married, etc. Those are just all happy situations (hopefully!). And I am so glad that Super pointed this out to me that night. He completely changed my perspective on the situation.
Do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?
No, I won't. And I have to be ok with that. 

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