Baby #2 Turns 8!

Sassy pants ready for Easter. 

Lovely.

Here you are. 8 years old.

Dear MJ,

Yes...MJ. That is what you would prefer to be called now. This was one of those years where I went to find a picture of you at the beginning of your seventh year and had to look twice at the date. I couldn't quite believe how much you have grown and changed in just one year. It is all happening so fast. I'm pretty sure that sentence comes out in every single one of these posts, but it's true. This year has been great and you have grown and matured so much in just 365 days. I may not be ok with you growing up, but I am very proud of the person you are becoming. Here are some of the things that stick out about you over the last year...

• You got to be in a wedding. This was like a dream come true for you. Daddy's cousin, and one of your Godmothers, got married and asked you to be a flower girl on her special day. You could not wait. The hair, the dress, the accessories...and you were amazing. You took Avery, the younger flower girl, by the hand and helped her walk down the long aisle. I don't think she would have made it without you. 
• You have definitely found your voice. And, like it or not, it sounds a lot like your mothers. You are looking for different ways to make people laugh and getting better and better at your dead pan. You love to be goofy and off the wall. So much so that we have now taught you the word "obnoxious." You are practicing when to be goofy and when to tone it down and again...all of this hits a little too close to home.
• You are independent. You don't mind playing with a group of kids, but if given the choice, you would like to just focus on one person at a time. It is the same when it comes to mom or dad. You like to have us all to yourself and not share if it is at all possible. You are also the one who I can count on to have all of your ducks in a row. In the morning, I can count on you to keep track of time so that you and Natalie are ready to go and out the door on time. You get yourself ready, make your own breakfast, pack your lunch and your backpack all within an hour. I should also mention that you rarely get distracted...unlike some other people in our house that tend to.
• We found out after going to the orthodontist and getting a panoramic 3D x-ray, that you have an extra tooth hiding out in the roof of your mouth. Aunt Beth and I joked about how it was maybe your twin that you ate in the womb, so Beth named it Marcie. Of course this is not true, but you laugh along with us anyway. Some time this year, Marcie will be getting an eviction notice from your mouth. As of right now, she is not causing any problems so, she can hang out a while longer. 
• School is getting easier for you. There are less tears this year which is helped by the fact that you have another amazing teacher. She is able to give you some extra love when you are sad and distract you so that you can make it through the day. Bad days don't come as often and if Natalie stays home sick, you walk out the door on your own without tears to get on the bus. 
• We went to Disney World with Daddy's family this winter and you had a great time. We were able to meet a lot of characters and most importantly...you met Belle. She was wearing her blue dress, not the yellow fancy one, but it was one of the highlights of the trip for me. And, of course, I cried like a little baby.
• You have your own sense of style. Most mornings you find something fun and unique to wear to school, with accessories to match. You ask me more questions about what clothes go together the best and what matches what. After the wedding you were in in October, we cut 8 inches off your hair to donate, so we don't have many options for your hair. But it usually has some sort of headband or barrette to match what you have picked out for the day.

Sweet girl...you continue to amaze me and Daddy everyday. You are strong willed, funny, kind, helpful and brave. We are so proud of the choices you make everyday. We love you tremendously and are enjoying watching you become this amazing, smart little person.

Love you forever,

Mommy

And I Don't Wanna Let It Go

Dear Rory,

The letters are coming few and far between. It's been more than a year since the last one. I have been putting this off for a while now. Throughout this last summer you have been haunting my thoughts. Popping up here and there without warning and I have to say, it's not always sad, but it isn't always happy.

We had the group over in July to say goodbye to Bob and Elena, and I caught myself imagining what you would be doing if you were there. Playing 500 with the guys, having deep conversations with the kids, complaining that we didn't have music playing. I really wanted you there.

We got to see Paul and Karen this summer at their new place. It is beautiful. It has been so long since we have seen them and I was glad we were able to meet up. I was so excited to see them and when Karen came out to hug me...I just cried. Well, so did she. This odd mixture of happiness and sadness. I think we could see it in each other. We both needed that hug.

Life continues to move on and to be honest, I'm not quite sure how to feel about you anymore. Grateful that I knew you, angry with your death, devastated at the thought of never getting to talk to you again. Memories about you aren't as painful as they used to be, but the dark cloud of sadness isn't far behind as the memories fade.

I wish the girls could have spent time with you. Natalie is such an amazing kid. If anyone could convince you that you were worth loving it would be her. Macie would benefit from your lessons on charm, although at this point it would just be tips. And Evie, she would pour over comics with you all day. You would have enjoyed them and they would have loved you.

Grief, sadness, memories, time. I just have to continue to navigate through it. I do believe things will get better, but I will never let you go.

I miss you.
I still wish you were here.
Gina

Baby #3 Turns 4!

Just after your 3rd birthday

Around Christmas time. Your hair was so long!

Just after your 4th birthday. Little Stinker.

Dear Evie Marie,

I should start by apologizing that this post is a week late. We had our church musical during your birthday week and this year was the first year you were able to participate. Being busy with that isn't a real excuse why I haven't gotten this blog done sooner, but it is the truth.

You are four. It is so hard to believe. I want to remember you as one and two and three, but it's difficult. I know you as four and you are quite an amazing character. When people meet you one of the first things they notice is your eyes. I know I have mentioned them in previous posts, but you have recently come up with why they look the way they do. They are blue with gold in the middle. If asked, or if we ask you to tell people about your eyes, you will say, "God sprinkled gold in them. He told me that and he always tells me the truth." Well, ok then. Who is going to argue with that? The next thing people notice is your size. You are a tall little girl taking after Daddy's side of the family. I'm sure that you will surpass your sisters in height at some point in the not so distant future. You can also be shy, but once comfortable, look out! You will talk anyone's ear off and some of the things you come up with are just hilarious.

Here are some things Daddy and I have noticed about you over the past year...

• You like to be called "dude." Daddy started calling you Dude a little while ago and whenever he calls you by your name you casually say, "Dad, you can call me Dude if you want to." Oh. Ok. Thanks Dude. 
• You love the Minnesota Zoo...like, really love it. You ask almost every day if we can go so you can see the snake, the sharks and the crocodiles. They are not scary to you because you know that they are behind the glass and cannot get out. You love the crocodiles the most. You now have three toy crocodiles that you likes to sleep with. Their names are Pete, Super and Walter. Yup. If anyone should go into your room, they should be prepared. You have also made friends with a raccoon statue outside of the Minnesota Trail. We sometimes sit by him and eat a snack and you have decided that he is your buddy and that you love him. If you ever want to go to the zoo, they should bring you along. It will be an adventure. If anyone gets scared, don't worry...you will hold their hand.
• In your three year old blog post, I wrote about how much you love The Hulk. The love of The Hulk continues, but it has spread to all superheros and villains. You know more about the Marvel characters than anything else, mostly because some friends of ours got you a 100 Marvel Superhero Character book. You have your favorites, but you know all about The Hulk, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Iron Man, Spider Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Wolverine, Thor, Loki, Black Widow, Rocket Raccoon, Odin, The Thing, Falcon, Ant Man and Wasp just to name a few. It should also be noted that you have a special place in your heart for villains. Whenever we are watching a movie or reading a book you pick out the bad guy and name him/her as your favorite. Maybe you know they need some love too.
• You had your second set of tubes put in this year as well as your adenoids taken out. This last winter was rough on your ears. You had 5 infections in 4 months and it was recommended that we do surgery. Our ENT was great. I asked a lot of questions and he was very reasonable. The fluid in your ears was just not draining, but my hope was that since the weather was getting nicer, things would get better and we wouldn't have to do surgery. We waited a couple of weeks to see what would happen and in that time we realized how much you couldn't hear anything we were telling you. The volume on the car radio had to be turned way up and if we were talking to you, we had to make sure you were looking at us so that you could understand what we were trying to tell you. Well, we went through with the surgery and I am so glad we did. Your ears were filled with thick mucus and your adenoids were large and swollen. Surgery was the right thing to do. Everything after that day was LOUD! Radios and the TV had to be turned down, toilets had to be flushed once you left the bathroom, you ran inside when I hit the garage door button. It was all too loud for you. Overall, you are just a happier kid since the day of surgery.
• We decided to put all three of you into swim lessons this summer. Grandma and Papa take you to the Y to swim and you love it, but you never had formal lessons. Well, it turns out, you are a fish. You LOVE swim lessons. You had no fear and did whatever your teacher asked you to do. You also caught on to techniques really fast. You can float on your back, swim underwater, dive for rings, swim more than 5 feet on your own, and jump in all by yourself. The best day was when your teacher threw 4 rings into the water and you took a deep breath, dove under and came up with all 4 on your arm. Amazing. We then went up to Brainard to spend some time with Nick, Carrie and the kids at a water park. You didn't want to leave the pool. You were a maniac! You swam for almost 3 hours straight. In the big pool, the lazy river (not using a tube of course but just letting the current take you around and around while you swam underwater), and down the water slides. You can't wait for your next session of lessons to learn more. 
• I have a cousin, Shane, that lives in Canada. We don't get to see him often, but when he is in town, he makes a point to come and see all of us. Over the past year, you have had an odd fascination with him. After his last visit, you talked about him constantly. "Is Shane coming over? What is Shane's favorite color? Can we go see Shane? Does Shane live really far away? I want to take Shane to the zoo." For a while you wouldn't take any pictures when we went places. The only way I could get you to pose is to say that I would send it to Shane. He's your best guy. Then, you got a rubber snake. It's black, yellow and orange. Can you guess what you named him? Yup. Shane. 

My baby...you are one of a kind. You make me laugh and you make me crazy, but I wouldn't change one thing about you. You are kind, independent, strong willed, loving, determined, and unique. I can't wait to see what you have in store for us over the next year.

I love you My Monster.
Mommy.

Baby #1 Turns 9!

The summer after your 8th birthday. You spent the summer being a butterfly whisperer. 

In the middle of the winter that would not end. I can start to see the adult you are going to look like someday.

Beauty. And I'm not talking about your physical characteristics. 

Dear Natalie Louise,

I'm not even sure how to start this letter. You continue to grow up and you continue to amaze me. I ask myself regularly, "How did we get so lucky?" You have been Mommy and Daddy's guinea pig. Our experiment. We have tried so many parenting techniques on you and you remain patient with us in letting us think we know what we are doing. You are our most easy going child and for that, I want to say, thank you. Here is what we have noticed about you in the last year. 

• You have freckles! I don't know if you can see them in that last picture, but they are the most adorable thing ever. I hope they never go away and I hope you love them as much as I do.
• School continues to be a challenge for you, but these past two years you have had the most amazing teachers help to encourage you and challenge you when necessary and it has made all the difference. At our second conference with your 3rd grade teacher he showed us the incredible gains you have made this last year and all of us were so proud of you. I made sure to stop by to see your 2nd grade teacher as well. She was thrilled. You are such a hard worker when it would just be easier for you to quit. You continue to try everyday at school and we are so proud of you.
• At this same conference with your teacher, we learned that you had befriended the boy in your class with autism. Your teacher often sat you next to him as a good role model for some behaviors and you kindly helped him catch up when he came back from being out of class with his other teachers. More important than grades and test scores, this kind of behavior matters to us. That you are a good, kind and caring person...and Natalie, you are. 
• One of your strengths is empathy. Like mother, like daughter. You don't worry about many things but when you do, it usually has to do with if someone else is going to be ok. Evie Monster had to have a second set of tubes put in and her adenoids taken out this year. From the moment you heard surgery, your eyes filled with anxiety for your sister. Was she going to be ok? Was it going to hurt her? Was she going to have to have a needle in her arm? All of the unknowns just about killed you. And it's the same when we watch movies. If someone is being bullied or hurt, you can't watch. I just don't think your heart can take it. 
• You continue to be a gymnast. If there is an open space, we can be sure that you will be doing a cartwheel. You are constantly tumbling. You stayed in the community ed gymnastics program all year and by this last session, you finally made it to the advanced class. You also participated in track again this year. You really wanted to do softball, but I convinced you to do track one more year by being an assistant coach. Long distance is your thing. You would rather run a 400m than a sprint any day. Your long jump got much better along with your baseball throws. Next year you can give softball a try. 
• You got your own room this year. You really like it during the day to lock your sisters out, but I think you would still prefer to sleep with someone else in the room. It was a little bit of a transition for you but now you have gotten the hang of it. If only it would stay picked up....
• In August, we had to put our awesome dog, Casey, to sleep. He was sick and nothing we did helped him get better. Of the three of you girls, you will have more memories of him and his death affected you the most. In the months following, not having a dog in the house was difficult for all of us and you talked about Casey a lot. What you missed about him, the things you remembered that he used to do...it was apparent that we needed to do something until we were ready for another dog. So, for Christmas, Beth and Luke got you all you needed for hermit crabs. You got 2, Flounder and Sebastian, and read up on how to take care of them. Unfortunately, Flounder didn't last long, but Sebastian is still kickin'! By March we got a new dog and all seems to be right in our house again.
• We had a check up this year at your GI and after chatting and some blood work, you continue to thrive on your gluten free diet. We also decided that this was the year to tackle school lunches for you. Macie had the option to eat one hot lunch a week and you wanted to as well. So after talking with the district about options for you and meeting with the food service coordinators, you have been able to have gluten free hot lunches at school. We also learned that next year they will have a complete gluten free menu each month for you to choose from so that will be pretty great!

Natalie, you are a kind, creative, generous 9 year old who loves to draw, read about sharks, play with friends, watch Disney movies, snuggle, craft and play house with your sisters. You are growing up fast, but I am trying to enjoy it. Continue to be you. You are so, very, good at it. 

I will love you forever,

Mommy.

Baby #2 Turns 7!

Just after your 6th birthday. This is your surprised face...in case you couldn't tell.

What are we going to do with you? You are beautiful.

Here you are. 7 years old. Wow.

My Lovely Macie,

It's your golden birthday. 7 on the 7th. Amazing. 7 years ago, I thought you were going to be born in Daddy's VW Passat Wagon. We were only in the hospital for an hour and a half, and two pushes later, you were here. You were so tiny at 6 lbs 3 oz. but your eyes, well, they were just as big as they are now. For so long I thought you looked like a little alien because of your large, deep blue eyes. But, you grew and like your older sister, became a chubby, content baby. This past year you have grown a lot too. You are reading, love to write in your journal and have made some new friends. Here are some things that your Daddy and I have noticed about you this past year. 

• The most obvious physical change is your front teeth. They started to stick out in December and get loose. By January, they were both gone. Like your other teeth, you pulled them both out and used your tooth fairy money to buy a Barbie. Your new teeth have started to come in and I can't wait to see what your smile will look like.
• You joined dance this year and you love it. You love the outfit the most, but the dancing is really fun too. The program is laid back and fun and you have already learned three dances. Considering how nervous you get about new situations or even getting on the bus; you walked right out in front of A LOT of people and did your dance like it was nobody's business. 
• You love to dress up. High heels, earrings, necklaces, and outfits. You put together some really unique and fun outfits some days and other days, you want to dress entirely in one color. The other thing about clothes for you is that they have to "feel" right. If there is a tag or a seam in the wrong place or where you can feel it, you will not wear that piece of clothing. Some pants and shirts get worn over and over. Other stuff that is really cute, never gets worn. 
• Without really knowing it, you always look out for your sisters. If we are in Target and Natalie isn't keeping up, you yell for her or grab her to come with us. I think this position in our family suits you well, even if it is frustrating at times. Evie does not like listening to you. She would much rather get direction from Natalie, but when she is really in a bind, you are there for her. Always. 
• Like your mother, you have grown to like The Muppets. I'm not sure if you have picked a favorite yet, but you love when Miss Piggy comes on and gets all sassy and crazy. Grandma got you The Original Muppet Movie for your birthday and I think your favorite part is the very beginning when Kermit sings the Rainbow Connection. You can sing the whole thing. It's adorable and I couldn't be more proud.
• Your sense of humor has taken a turn toward the sarcastic. You pick up on Mommy and Daddy's jokes and respond faster than we would expect you to. Sometimes it catches us off guard. When asked "Have you seen Daddy?" Your response is something like, "I don't know. I think he went to Vegas." Or, "Where did your food go?" after eating dinner..."I dropped it on the floor and Nugget ate it." Um, ok. Hilarious. 

The day you were born is one of the days I relive in my mind many times throughout the year. I can remember what I was doing in my classroom and how I felt. I remember the contractions as I lay on the couch and every one of them that I had in the car on the way to the hospital. After you were born my recovery was very quick. I was up and out of bed like I hadn't just given birth. The days and years to come have kind of been the same; memorable and sort of painful, but we are both very quick to recover from whatever situation we are in. You have filled our lives with color and joy. Happy birthday my wonderful middle child. We love you so much.

Mommy.

A Birthday Post for Me

33 is not old. Most days I don't feel old. I look around me and see my husband and 3 lovely girls and think, "How did you all get here?" Many days it is very surreal. I love my life and it is amazing to me to have the people around me that I do.

For as long as I can remember, my birthdays have started the same. My dad, singing "Happy Birthday" slow and Elvis style. Instead of "Gina" he always sings "Gypsy Woman." The years I was living at home he would bring us flowers as well. This morning was no different. I answer the phone, "Good morning Daddy" and the singing begins without even a hello. I love him.

Last year, I got an amazing gift. My niece was born on my birthday. She has my middle name and I am completely smitten with her. She is full of life, love and personality even as a one year old. Her eyes can melt the hardest of hearts and I cannot wait to celebrate her every year of her life. 

In 33 years of life I have experienced much more than I ever thought I would.

Love 

Joy

Saddness 

Heartbreak

Depression

Contentment

I think back on my life and at the person I once was and the person I have become. The people that have changed me...for better and for worse. The decisions I have made, good and bad, that have molded and shaped my personality and my outlook on life. 

My family. Friends. Church. Work. We are in a constant state of cause and effect and every year I am alive, I think I realize this more and more. All of these things continuously help me to grow and change, and everyday I am so thankful. 

So, Happy Birthday to me. I am loving the person I have become and look forward to the days ahead of me. 

Another Goodbye

Our church will be welcoming a new pastor on December 2nd, which means we had to say goodbye to our interim pastor today. I will be forever grateful for her help with this transition. It is not an easy process and it takes a special kind of person to do what Hollie did for Light of the World. Thank you again Pastor Hollie.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian and I said a few words to thank Pastor Hollie. Here they are:

Gina:

I like the middle of things

The middle of an Oreo - preferably a double stuf

The middle brownie

The middle part of the pizza and pie. Brian eats the crusts.

I am a middle child…which most of you know, but might explain a few things to the rest of you.

And relationships. I like the middle of relationships.

I’m not a huge fan of beginnings and endings. Hellos and goodbyes.

When you first meet someone, it can be awkward. What are we going to talk about? How much of myself do I want this other person to know about me? How much of themselves are they going to show me? I’m going judge them even though I try hard not to. Are they judging me?

And goodbyes…well, I don’t like them. At all.

The middle, however, after my guard is let down and I don’t have to worry about those other things, that is my favorite part. The “building and growing a relationship” part.

I have truly enjoyed our middle with you Pastor Hollie. Getting used to someone new after being comfortable for 5 years is difficult. You handled it beautifully.

Although there are many, one of the things I will be forever grateful to you for is handing us the “No Exceptions” part of service. Now, whoever walks through our LOTW door will know that it isn't the pastor welcoming them no matter what their background is, it’s us. The congregation saying, we are glad you are here, come and break some bread with us.

Brian:

Being the president when Pastor Deb announced she was leaving, I was obviously involved in replacing her.

We needed to find someone who would help lead us through the process, but also willing to challenge our way of thinking because it was critical to determine what was (and wasn’t) important to us.

Your job was far from easy, but you were exactly what we needed during this time.

Thank you.

This community, no matter where God takes us from here, will forever be in debt to you for helping us on our journey. You will always have a special place in LOTW’s story.

And…we’re definitely going to miss you as well.

…hug…

Baby #3 Turns 3!

Just after your second birthday, having fun in the yard with the sprinklers.

Ham. 2 1/2.

My Monster. Almost 3.

Dear Sweet Baby Girl (a.k.a Monster),

Just like your sisters, you are growing up too fast. And, you are literally GROWING UP! You are wearing clothes that your sisters were wearing when they turned four and here you are, three years old and fitting into them. Our guess is that you will one day pass me and both your sisters to reach a solid 5 foot 10 inches. You are caring, smart, spunky, and full of love. Everything the baby of the family should be. Here is what you have been up to the past year.

• You love all things HULK. For Natalie, Mack and Brody's birthdays last year, Aunt Sarah threw a Super Hero themed birthday party. I found a Hulk shirt for you to wear because, well, it reminded me of you. Calm and collected...then...BAM! Out of control and angry. Well, you grew attached to that shirt. We told you more about who and what The Hulk was and over the past year you "LOVE LOVE Hulk Smash." Macie found a book at the library and you have learned that Bruce Banner is the guy who turns into The Hulk when he gets angry...and you won't like him when he's angry...but you do. You think he is the best. The shirt in the third picture is your second Hulk shirt since you grew out of the original one. You would wear it everyday if I let you. I think there will be many Hulk presents headed your way this year.
• Orange is your favorite color. I'm not sure how someone so young picks a favorite color, but all of you have done it. Natalie's is black. Macie's is purple. Whether it is picking out a crayon to color with or a flavor of popsicle, you want orange. You also feel the need to point it out wherever we go. If we are driving and you see a truck, billboard, car or construction sign, from the backseat I hear "Momma!!! ORANGE!!!" 
• You have no interest in potty training. I would really like you to be done with diapers but I also know that I would be wasting a lot of energy to try and make you do something that you are not ready for. You have no problems sitting down and going when I tell you to, but you would just rather have a diaper. However, when you are ready, I have a pair of Hulk underwear waiting for you. 
• Recently you have started to call Casey, "My Buddy." It's the cutest thing. One day I heard you yelling, "Buddy! Hey Buddy! Come here Buddy. You are my Buddy. Mom, I love my Buddy." He tolerates you very well. We couldn't have asked for a better dog when dealing with babies and small children. 
• When you run, you kick your heels up so that they hit your butt. It is so funny to watch! You have also gotten into a habit of coming up to me or Daddy or whoever is watching you at the time saying, "I'll be right back, k? I'm just gonna go over here, then, I'll be right back, k?" And off you go, running and kicking your butt the whole time. 
• You have been the only one of our children to love your tricycle. Your sisters had a really hard time getting the hang of pedaling. I think your legs are long enough that you get enough power to get the trike going. You cruise around the block with us and in the backyard on the patio. As you ride you get going quite fast, so you lean back into the seat. It looks very similar to the kid from "The Shining" who rides around the hotel hallways on his trike. Molly and I have asked you to say "Red Rum" a couple of times, but you refuse and ride off. 
• There are a couple of TV shows that you have grow attached to: Doc McStuffins, Curious George (the movie and the show), and Imagination Movers. With the Imagination Movers last CD, Rock-O-Matic, they put out a 25 min DVD to go with it. You are obsessed with both. As far as kid CD's go, it's not bad. Daddy and I have rocked out with you quite a few times, but, after watching or listening to anything over 100 times, it gets a little old.
• You still love your babies. Feeding them, changing them, handing them off to anyone while they sleep so you can go play something else, and pushing them in a stroller. You are so careful with them and they are all named Boom Ollie Ollie (a reference to the Imagination Movers song "Remember When"). Our friends and family have also learned to be careful with their swings, car seats and bouncy chairs when we come over. You go around and buckle them so when a baby gets set down into them, first the parent thinks "Hmmmm...Evie's been here." Then they have to dig under their infants back to try and unfasten the buckles. 

You have kept Daddy and I on our toes these three years. Everyone who looks into your big beautiful eyes tends to fall in love with you. You know what you want, when you want it and, that doesn't always work out in your favor as a three year old, but as the years go on it will be an amazing asset for you. You are funny and full of energy and I can't wait to see what the next year brings. I love you my wonderful child. 

Mommy.  

Baby #1 Turns 8!

Just after your 7th birthday you pulled out your other front tooth up at the cabin.
No corn on the cob for you this summer!

7 1/2 - Carving pumpkins - You were a cowgirl for Halloween

Almost 8 - What an amazing little girl you are.

My dearest first child,

You are growing up too fast. Look at that picture. You are getting so old and Daddy and I couldn't be more proud to call you our own. Part of what I love about doing these birthday posts for you girls is that I get to look back on the year and see all that you have accomplished. As we are in the moments of life, I think, "I'm always going to remember this." and the truth is...I never do. So, here are just some of the things that stand out the most about you at this age. 

• We have decided to call you "Lollie" at home. Evie has had a hard time saying your name, but Lollie has come out when trying to get your attention. You always knew she was talking to you so you just answered. You don't love the nickname, but to me, that is what makes it perfect. Believe me, you will grow attached to it no matter how angry you get when we use it.
• You are the oldest. Not only the oldest child in our house, but the oldest of all your cousins (6 and counting!) on both sides of our growing family. Mommy and Daddy expect a lot from you because of that, and we know that isn't fair. You, however, handle it beautifully. You take your sisters or little cousins by the hand and play with them. You talk to them nicely and help them if they are making some not so good decisions and they all adore you. (With the exception of Macie once in a while...)
• You have handled having Celiac Disease with amazing maturity and grace. We rarely see you feel sorry for yourself. There are times where you are sad because you can't eat at certain restaurants or have a treat that looks really good, but within minutes you are talking to us about all the really good things you CAN have. The other really cool part about the path we were put on with Celiac Disease is how many people we have been able to help. A friend of ours from church was recently diagnosed and you have helped to inform him about all the really yummy goodies he should try. Not to mention whenever you bake with Grandma or me, you always want to make sure we bring him some next time we go to church. I mean...wow. 
• What do you want to be when you grow up? An art teacher. You love to doodle and draw. You make pictures for everyone that comes over. When I can't find you in the house, I just have to find a quiet spot and there you are with a color book and markers or crayons. I hope you continue to use that creativity throughout your life. 
• You have participated in gymnastics and track this year. Track was new for you and you did so great. You are a one pace kind of girl. You ran the 800 meter twice during the short season and got 2nd place both times for your age group. You ran it in 4 minutes 8 seconds. 
• For your birthday this year you have decided to get your ears pierced. When Macie got hers when she was 3 1/2, you wanted nothing to do with it. You hid behind Evie's stroller because you were scared. I don't know what changed your mind, but after school we will be heading to the mall to get it done. 
• Second grade has been great for you. You had an amazing teacher that pushed you when you needed to be pushed and helped build your confidence in all areas. I have seen more growth and spark in you this year more than any other. Third grade is a big jump and I feel that you will have your ups and downs, but overall, you have the skills and tools you need to be amazing.

Seven has been a really fun age to watch you grow and learn. Daddy and I would like to bottle you up right now. You cuddle, hold our hands when we go out, play well with both your sisters, get excited at just about anything, your reactions to the experiences you have are genuine, and your outlook on life is so unique. You are a smart, loyal, compassionate, sincere, and sweet little girl. 

Happy Birthday Natalie.

Love,

Mommy.

Baby #2 Turns 6!

Every time I sit down to write one of these posts I feel extremely proud and sad. I heard something on the radio the other day and it is so true that I have to share. "The days are long, but the years are short." Yup. That is the story of a parent's life.

What a goof. This was taken shortly after your 5th birthday.

Me and you kiddo!

Feb. 7th. You are 6 today...and, yes, girls do rule.

Dear Macie,

You have done some pretty amazing things this past year and everyday you continue to amaze and challenge me. You and me are two of a kind honey. You love to cuddle and crack jokes to make your sisters laugh. You are full of spunk and stubbornness. When your mind set, it is hard to convince you to do otherwise. Evie hasn't made being a big sister easy, but everyday you try hard to be the kind of big sister she needs. You are still convinced that the only boy you want to marry someday is your Daddy, and that's ok by me. You started kindergarten this year. You only go half days, so we still get to spend our afternoons together. I think you would still prefer to be with me 24/7, but it's a good thing we get breaks from each other. 

Here are some other things that have happened this year:

• You decided to grow your hair out. We can thank the move Tangled for that! After a while you were sick of the snarls every morning so we talked about some options you had. You made the decision to cut your hair and donate it to cancer patients. I couldn't have been more proud of you. You got 8 inches cut off. I cried like a baby. It was such a selfless thing to do. Amazing.
• You started kindergarten. It was a rough start and I knew it would be. Leaving me or your Daddy has always been tough for you. There were lots of tears and physical struggles as you tried NOT to get on the bus, but once you got to school and got busy doing important kindergarten stuff, you did and have done great. 
• You got stitches this year. 7 of them in your chin. We were at Grandma and Papa's when you fell and hit the concrete. When we got to the hospital you barely cried even though you were scared. You sat very still as the doctor was sewing you up and you now have a hospital bracelet that we can hang on the tree every Christmas. 
• You are a shark. Your front bottom two grown up teeth started to come in behind your baby teeth, so you now have 2 sets. Your baby teeth are not wanting to budge, but we are trying very hard to wiggle them and get them out so the dentist doesn't have to.
• This year you learned how to ride a two wheeler! It took most of the summer, but by the end of August, you were a pro. We adjusted your training wheels so that they weren't resting on the ground all of the time. When we were out, they barely hit the ground as you got going! So, we took them off. Nope. Lots of tears. You were not going to do it...the training wheels went back on. Once I told you to listen for the wheels on the ground and how when you didn't hear that noise, it was just you riding a 2 wheeler, that was all it took. You had been doing it all along but just needed the support for a little while longer. That's a good metaphor for who you are as a little person. 
• You would like to be with me at all times. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, but it is how you have been since you were born. You like to be where you are comfortable. I don't think you like the feeling of trying something new. It's scary to you. But, once you put yourself out there and give those things a try, you are all smiles.

Sweet girl, I relive the day I gave birth to you more than any other day of my life. I was so unsure about everything that happened that day, but once you decided to come into this world, you came full force and would wait for no one. When you are ready, you are ready...no stopping you. I love your silliness, your big heart and how you still need your "Na" (aka blanket) every night to go to sleep. You are such a good helper to anyone around you. You love earrings, necklaces and lip gloss. You're just a string bean of a child, but I wouldn't want you any other way. I love you honey. Happy 6th Birthday.

Love forever,

Mommy.

Believe

Dear Rory,

It's been a year. A year since my last letter to you. I heard someone say "the days are long but the years go by so fast." It is so true. You would have been 36 on Saturday. You committed suicide 5 years ago today. At this moment 5 years ago, Brian and I were comforting our friends in our home. I didn't cry. I kept busy. I talked and held the kleenex while others sobbed with broken hearts. I didn't cry.

Brian and I took the next day off and went to your apartment. I didn't cry. There were the stickers from the envelopes you sealed all over your little room. Your bed was cleared of everything. Your clothes were scattered everywhere. You stopped caring about caring for yourself. We worked our way through your stuff. CD's, clothes, trash, mail...everything. I was on a mission. I was determined at that moment to clean up your space because you were worth it. It gave my brain and my hands something to do. I think we stayed for a couple of hours. I would have stayed all day but Brian couldn't handle it anymore, and rightfully so. It was too much. I took a sweatshirt. Your white and orange Texas sweatshirt. It still smelled like you. I have it in a bin downstairs. One day, I promise to wear it.

I got through the next couple of days until your funeral. I sat with the other women whose husbands were giving speeches during the service. I sat with those women and held their hands as our husbands said goodbye to their friend. Brian went last. He was paying tribute to the guy who ALWAYS had to go last. I didn't cry. I wanted Brian to be able to look at someone who wasn't crying so he could say what he wanted to say and be strong. Then the service was over and I couldn't move. I remember not being able to move my legs very well. They were dead weight. Then, all of a sudden, my heart was ripped open and I cried. I cried so hard, I couldn't breathe. Brian moved me outside of the worship space and set me on a bench. I don't remember much  after that besides people sitting next to me, taking turns holding me up. At least, I think that's what happened.

So many pieces of those couple of days are clear to me. I remember your hair as I hugged you after you gave your speech at our house the night of the party...the last time we saw you.  I remember that hug and how I wanted to hold on to you longer, but then feeling you pull away before I was ready to be done holding you. (If that's not a metaphor for this whole situation, I don't know what is.) I remember the call from your employer saying you hadn't showed up for work and how both Brian and I talked to her and told her that you were ok. We just saw you the Saturday before and you seemed really good; not to worry. I remember Brian's face when he walked into my classroom  the next day to tell me you were dead. I remember holding him and how he had to tell me what you had done. I remember our friends faces as they walked into our house overwhelmed with grief. I remember your room and the things in it.

And everyday I remember how much I love you. How you helped Brian become the person he is because of who you were. I am grateful for that relationship. And for ours.

I still have anger. Not as much as I used to have, but it's there. I know it is because it is heavy. And, I carry it around knowing that if I forgave you, I would feel lighter. I'm just not there yet. Maybe one day. Maybe that day, I will put on that sweatshirt and cry happy tears, not sad ones.

I love you.
I miss you.
I hate that you are not here.
Gina

My Church...Light of the World

On Wednesday, December 5th, our congregation found out that our Pastor would be leaving Light of the World. God was calling her to Minneapolis to help other "start up" churches. It is a great job for her and she will be wonderful at it. In turn we, as a church, will be dealing with this change. I decided to get up and speak to the congregation on Sunday.  This is what I said. However, imagine me blubbering throughout the whole thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Good morning. I am not going to pretend I know how all of you are feeling since you got the two letters about Pastor Deb’s new job. Since I started to process it, thoughts and words about this church repeated over and over again in my head so I decided to write them down. I then asked both Pastor Deb and my husband Brian if it would be ok to come up here and talk to you for a minute…or three about what all of you mean to me.

We have not been here from the very beginning. We didn’t get to experience the golf course days. We started in March of 2008. After we attended our first service, it was because of Pastor Deb that we came back. My guess is that you have felt it too…the feeling that what she is preaching about that week is meant for you, and only you. It’s like she knew what you were going through that week and wants to tell you about how she knows things are going to be ok because we have God on our side. Not only in her words but when she greets you on Sunday mornings with her big smile and open arms, it’s like she got up that day specifically to see YOU. Knowing her these 4 years, I see why she was called to be a pastor. God’s love flows from her heart. Her mind. Her soul.

It is because of these qualities that I have felt that Light of the World was not going to be the last stop on her journey. God has other plans for her. Great plans. I am thankful He has put her in my life. I wouldn't be the same person without her.

Now I would like to talk about all of you. I would like to tell you that, as the weeks and years have passed, Pastor Deb was not the only one we were coming to see on Sundays. Because of you, I have learned what a church really is. I have learned that it is more than just one person, and I want to remind you of that. Pastor Deb’s vision of what she wanted Light of the World to be has brought it together, but it is YOU who makes it stick.

It is you that brings me back every week. You who fills my cup and helps me get through the next six days until I can see you again. Look at the person to your right. I love that person. Look to your left. I love that person too. Whether you are one of the babies I grab for my baby fix, a young child for me to chat and laugh with, a confirmation student who is teaching me something new about life seen through your eyes or an adult that my extroverted self needs a hug from. You are my church. Wherever this journey takes us, I want to be with you. That is what matters to me. The person who leads and preaches is a piece of the puzzle, but that person can’t do a whole lot without us.

I wanted to come up here today to tell you that it’s all of you who have taught me about God’s love. And I thank Him every day for you. You are an amazing group of people. 

Baby #3 Turns 2!

This is shortly after your first birthday. You look so little!

Me and you just before Christmas. You had 5 teeth and it was right around this time you started to do your "cheese" smile.

Here you are. 2 years old. Beautiful girl.

Dear Evie,

Happy Birthday sweet girl. I sit here and have mixed emotions. I look at you and am filled with happiness and then, a wave of sadness comes. I wish it wouldn't. I start to think of all of your firsts and for me there are a lot of lasts. You are a kid that is making them count though! You keep us so busy. Everyday a new bit of sparkling personality peeks through and I am amazed at the little person you have become.

• We affectionately call you many names...#3, Stinky, Eve-ers and Monster. You have been our Monster for quite a while now. So long, in fact, that you even answer when you hear us calling you by that name. You are into everything and tend to destroy anything you come in contact with. You are also a climber, so setting things on counters doesn't even stop you. Inside, outside, upside-down...you will get to whatever it is you want.
• You are stubborn. One of your best qualities. You get it from me, unfortunately, but if used correctly, it can be an asset. Because of this, you get into trouble now and then. If Daddy or I has to raise our voice at you or put you in a time out, once it is over, you need affection. This usually comes in the form of a hug from one of your sisters. You walk over to one of them with your arms out saying "Hug. Hug. Hug!" And both are happy to oblige. 
• You have a way of melting peoples hearts. I think this is because of your eyes. You have amazing eyes. They are gorgeous and full of personality. The outer part is dark blue, but the middle, by your pupil, is gold. When we are outside in the sun, looking into your eyes is one of the most beautiful things in this world. 
• You are starting to say so many words. And just in the last week you have started to string together 2 and 3 words at a time. Some of your favorites: squeezie (one of your favorite foods), book, brush teeth, potty, icky, beeper, thank you, bless you, uh-huh, hand, Momma walk, outside, and many more. This is not to mention all the peoples names that you know and remember. I think my favorite though is our neighbor, Greg. You love Greg and when you want to see him you ask for "Wig."
• You transitioned into a twin bed around 19 months old and did amazing. The only thing that has not gone so well is the fact that you only sleep until 5:30 am. That is early, little girl.
• You cannot smile yet. See the third photo above. I think I remember Natalie going though a phase where she smiled like that too. It's so funny! You don't mind being in front of the camera; in fact, when you see someone has a camera and happens to be pointing it in your direction, you make that face just in case they want to take a picture of you. 
• You make all these funny sounds and do all these hilarious gestures. For a while when you wanted to eat, you would make this funny sound with your mouth like you were sucking in your cheeks. That meant you were hungry and wanted food. When you get excited, you scream and say a bunch of nonsense words while rotating each arm into the air Michael Jackson "Thriller" style and run in place. You have this funny high stepper run and a squat walk that make me laugh out loud every time I see it. 
• You love playing with your sisters and you are the first one to tell them that you don't what them to tell you what to do. You have your own ideas and won't be pushed around by them simply because they are older then you. 

This year, I am going to work really hard on focusing on all the amazing things you will do and not so much on the fact that I won't get to experience them with another baby. I am so blessed to have all that I do and when I look at you, that is what I need to remember. Even though you are my third child, you show me new things every day. You are an extraordinary little lady Evie. I love you so much. Happy Birthday my sweet darling. 

Love,

Mommy.

Baby #1 Turns 7!

Just after your 6th birthday

6 1/2 - Your first time back to the GI since your celiac diagnosis. The Dr. was very happy with what we told him about you and all of your test results came back looking great!

Just before your 7th birthday.

Dear Natalie,

You are 7. How did this happen? Everyone talks about how time goes by so fast and I look at you and know it's true. You are 7. I am the mother of a 7 year old. A second grader. A kid who can ride a bike, go play with friends, read, write, and pull out her own teeth. It's almost more then I can handle. First grade was great for you this year. You have learned so much! We sit down at dinner and have these conversations with you and I wonder where the time has gone. You now not only talk about your day, but you are interested in what we have done during our day as well. I can only imagine what the upcoming year will bring. Here are some more things about you right now that stand out.

• Your friendships are very important to you. Everyday you are hoping to go outside and play with neighborhood friends. We are so lucky to have a lot of great people around us. Not only do you want to play, you bring Macie with you. I know it's not always what you want to do, but she looks up to you and is SO BORED when you are at school all day! You are also a very good friend. You are always looking out for others and your kind heart sometimes takes over and you forget to worry about yourself. 
• As of right now you have lost 4 teeth. 3 on the bottom and 1 on the top. The other one is loose, so I'm sure it will come out soon. We were also told by the dental hygienist that she has never seen a 6 year old know how to brush so well! 
• Every time you see a space big enough, and sometimes a space NOT big enough, you are practicing your cartwheels. Tumble, tumble, tumble. You have now gotten good enough that your legs go up and down without any problems. Your next goal: handstands. Let's pray for a strong neck.
• Wipe out. It finally happened. You have has small falls on your bike, but this last one was a doozy. You went out on a bike ride recently with your dad and sisters and after about 10 minutes, I got a call from Daddy saying you fell, and it was a good one. (I could hear you screaming.) You made it back home just fine, but were pretty shook up. It didn't help that blood was running down your leg. We got you inside and cleaned up and now you show your war wound off to whoever will take a look. 
• You continue to love school. Reading has not come as easily for you but you work very hard at it. You see your Title One teacher almost every day and enjoy picking out books to read to us at home. You struggle at times, but once you realize that you can do it, instead of feeling defeated, you breeze through your books.
• You are a happy kid. There isn't a lot of days that we don't see your smile. You are also picking up on Mommy and Daddy's sarcasm, although you aren't throwing it back at us like that middle sister of yours. You continue to aim to please. And very seldom disappoint.
• Evie continues to be in love with you. Not only Evie but Eli, Easton and Brody as well. All the babies born in 2010. You know how to make them giggle and play with them. They can all say your name now and you are the first one to run and give them hugs when we visit. 

As always, this list is shortened. I want to remember you like this. I want to remember you at this age. Each year will bring something new and each year I forget a little more about what the past years were like. You have two sisters behind you, watching your every move and you are doing an amazing job showing them the ropes. We are SO proud of you and the little person you have become. 

I love you more then words can say.

Mommy.

So...maybe I should get a fish.

This post is dedicated to my friend Carrie, who has inspired the title. Thanks Care :)

A fish you might ask? Yes, a fish. Let me tell you why...

I am a maternal person. It is just a part of who I am. Even as a child I knew this about myself. I started babysitting my cousins young and always had little ones on my lap at Christmas even though I was a little one myself.

I did not get along great with my sisters growing up. I had a couple of problems...first, I always had the thought that I was just as old as Sarah, who was two and a half years older than me. Maybe it was because she was the same size as me and maybe it was just a complex, but it is what I believed. Then, when Beth came 14 months after I was born, I was determined to be her mother. She latched on to Sarah, wanting nothing to do with me...rightfully so. So, even though I didn't get along with either of them, I was extremely protective of both. Again, mothering instincts kicking in.

As a fourth grader, I knew teaching was what I was meant to do with my life. It just fit with every part of who I am. I have never imagined doing anything else.

So now, I am an adult. I am a teacher. I am a wife. I am a mother. I love who I am and what I do.

Now comes the problem. As a mother, for me, I tend to forget the hard or painful times when it comes to my children. The uncomfortable parts of pregnancy, labor, when the kids get sick, etc. God gave me this incredible absentmindedness when it comes to these things. I remember Natalie being 3 months old and looking at Brian saying, "So, when do you want to do this again?" Yep...just a little bit crazy.

* Sidenote - Please keep in mind that I am also the type of mom who has to be away from her children every once in a while. And they need to be away from me. I am a firm believer in focusing on my relationship with Brian so that the rest of the family can be healthy. Everyone in my family has a place. Brian and I are first and the girls come next. This is not to say that I ignore my children. But if Brian and I fall apart, then there is no family and that is the last thing I ever want to happen. Ok, back to the reason I wrote the post*

Evie is going to be two soon and my belly is ITCHING to be pregnant. I see pregnant ladies everywhere. Not only are they stalking me, but families with 4 children follow me around! I think about it and wonder...what's the big deal? But, I have to stop and think. I have to stop and truly think about how full my plate is.

This weekend was one of those weekends. Evie has been running a fever for 2 days. Macie woke up with a fever last night. We were madly dashing back and forth to the doctor to see what was going on. Well, Mace had strep. Great, well theirs meds for that. But Evie, nothing. Teeth are coming in and she has a cold. Overall, she just isn't feeling well. After getting home and trying to make it though the rest of the night, Evie is truly uncomfortable. She spent about 4 hours crying. I had no clue what her problem was. She wouldn't go to sleep even though she was exhausted. I hadn't eaten all day because of the worry and was at my wits end. I was in her bed with her crying too. I made a call to a dear friend who told me, "Gina, go bring her to Children's. This is not like her. Go find out what is wrong." Let me tell you...you need people like this in your life. They save you in moments like this.

So, Macie is already asleep at 7pm because she is exhausted. Natalie was such a trooper all day, we let her stay up with our neighbor who came over while we went to the hospital. As we get there, Evie burps once and "beepers" (as we call it) twice, and I am thinking "Oh, no. We did NOT just come to the ER for gas!" She gets checked in, checked out by the nurse practitioner and we run some tests. Another strep test, because she has a weird rash on her neck and forehead, nope. Not strep. They took some urine to see if she had a bladder infection. Nope, not that either. Finally they did an x-ray of her belly, which was not my idea but that is the exact reason why I feel Children's is the BEST place to go. And that looked fine. In the process of all of this my third child continues to beeper all over the place.

So, we go home. Was she screaming for 4 hours due to gas? Maybe. Were their other things going on with her to cause her to cry and scream and take in more air which causes her to have more gas and pain? Yea, probably. But YIKES! WHAT AM I...NEW? Frustrating.

It is weekends like this that I HAVE to remember. I have to remember what weekends like this do to me. These weekends are not going to go away. I know that. In fact, having three girls, the problems are going to turn from little things like gas to lord knows what. Let the emotional roller coaster begin.

I am a very blessed woman. I am surrounded with love and support. Not everyone has that. I needed to write this to remind myself that I have a lot. Adding another child to our lives would be great, but I need to live in the world now and stop thinking about what I wish I had. Plus, I don't know that having another baby would stop my wanting for babies! As Molly and Carrie have both told me, "Gina, if you have another child, does that mean you WON'T want another one?" Um...I'm not sure.

So, there it is. Focus on the now. Love what you have. Deal with what is in front of your face.

Ok. I will try.

Chickens doing the Hula

We had this at Brian's cousins house one night and loved it. Again, it was a really easy thing for us to make so it's in the rotation of dinners in our house!

Hawaiian Chicken
Marinade:
(You can buy a teriyaki marinade, but because we do the GF thing, this was just as easy and we had all of the ingredients in the house.)
1/2 cup GF soy sauce (We use LaChoy)
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon ground pepper
2 tablespoons oil
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 glove garlic (I put it though a press, but you could chop it up or smash it to release the flavor)

We have marinaded the chicken breasts for as little as 2 hours and as long as 6. It just depends on when you remember to put it together. I am not very good at that part.

1 can pineapple rings
Provolone cheese slices

Grill chicken and pineapple rings. (The pineapple doesn't take as long, so put that on as the chicken is finishing up.) Place a pineapple ring on top on the chicken once it is done and top with provolone cheese. Once the cheese is melted over the pineapple and chicken serve on a bun or over rice.

Super yummy!!!

Mary Jo and her Fantastical Bars

This recipe is my Aunt Mary Jo's. It is awesome and very easy. Not to mention DELICIOUS!

Yellow Cake Mix Bars

1/4 cup water

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup melted butter

Mix together

2 eggs

Mix with above ingredients.

Add 1 box yellow cake mix (Betty Crocker makes a GF cake mix that we have used and liked) and combine.

Then add 1 cup chocolate chips.

Bake at 350 degrees for 20-25 min.

That's it! I almost always have the ingredients in the house, so it makes for a really quick dessert when we need something last minute. 

Baby #2 Turns 5!

Here you are on your 4th birthday. You are growing up so fast. I don't think as a parent you can say that enough. The days seem so long, yet the years go by so fast. 

Your first day of  pre-school. It took you a while to get used to going, but once you got comfortable there, you were so excited to go!

Here you are with Mommy and Daddy just a few days before your 5th birthday. We are so lucky to have you!

This is what I know about you:

• You are hilarious. You say so many funny things and you don't even know it. I really can't even think of anything off the top of my head, but I think its more than what you say. It's how you say things. You get sarcasm and one day, you might be as good at it as your mom.
• When you are in a silly mood, you say "Mom, I love you, and a pig fell in the mud and you fell in the mud." A while ago Daddy kept telling you and Natalie a "dirty joke." Then he would say, "A pig fell in the mud!" Well, somehow it got attached onto saying that you love us. You are so weird sometimes.
• You love being a sister. Still. I love this about you. You watch out for not only your little AND big sister, you also care for all the little ones at daycare. It is one of your greatest qualities. Your big heart shows right through.
• You love to learn and it seems to come natural to you. You ask Natalie to teach you letters and how to spell names. Now you are picking out letters all over the place. You can spell your name, mom, dad and Evie. When you ask how to spell things now, it is rare that I have to tell you how to make the letters. 
• You are a tall and skinny little girl. I say this all the time, but leggings have a tough time staying up on that waist. 

Macie, you are our second little miracle. You have been amazing since the day you were born. You still make people earn your hugs and smiles, but it is one of my favorite things about you. If someone is going to get to know you, they have to work at it. I see so much of myself in you, but there are glimmers of Daddy too. You are going to do great things for this world little girl. I love you so much!

Mommy.

Just Breathe

Dear Rory,

Life goes on without you. This time of year always sneaks up on me. I don't know why. It's not like I don't know it's coming. I guess I just think that your birthday and your death day will pass without me having to go though all the emotion. Right now, I really don't want to go through all the emotion. I want to think "Happy Birthday Rory" and "I wish you were here" without everything that goes along with that for me. It is very frustrating.

Your birthday is difficult for me. I still feel like you should be here. Today I'm angry. I have been tempted lately to read your letter again. I have only read it once, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know there are pieces of you in that letter, but I feel like it is all the bad pieces. It's not all of you. I recognize that the bad was still a part of you but the good was so much more. Why didn't you know that.

I'm at the point now where I want to know about your whole life. When you were here, I couldn't bear hearing about a child being treated as if they didn't matter. Now, I want to know everything. I want to know about what happened to you. You were physically changed because of what you went through and the only thing that is constantly goes through my mind when I think of you is...it isn't fair.

You got what you wanted by ending your life and I don't get to have what I want.
I want you to meet Evie
I want you to meet some other really cool people that have become our friends
I want you to see the new Batman movies
I want to play cards with you again
I want to give you a hug
I want to tell you I love you
I want to tell you not to go
I want to wish you Happy Birthday in person and not on some stupid blog
I want to punch you in the face
I want to listen to you and Brian argue about something really dumb
I want to hear you laugh again
I want to know you can hear me
I want another day with you

It's not fair that I have to keep writing these letters.
I miss you.
I'm sad.
I love you still.
Gina