All the Live Long Day

Dear Rory,

I feel the need to write to you when big events happen in my life. Brian and I welcomed our third daughter, Evie, into our lives on June 24th. As much as I want to believe that you already know this and were there in many ways; it is because you were not there to see her, hold her and hug Brian and I, I experience loss all over again. I will tell you that for a long time Brian and I talked about naming this child Rory. If the baby was a boy we wanted to incorporate your name in his middle name. If the baby was a girl, we thought a lot about calling her Rory. Ultimately I couldn't do it. Even though it has been almost three years since your death, it still feels too new and continues to be painful for me to think about.

Brian was back at Como recently and went down to go to the tracks. He wanted to see where you ended your life and have an image of what it looked like there. He made the decision not to tell me he was going. After your death, when he first mentioned that he wanted to go there, I was insistent on wanting someone to be there with him. But, I see now that it was something he needed to do alone. The weekend after he visited the tracks, the guys got together for a game at Target Field and came to our house for Strato on Sunday; Shane was even in town so it was just like how it used to be. It was so fun to have all the guys at the house again. But, all the while, there was an underlying sadness that kept tugging at me...Rory should be here.

My sadness was different this time. I didn't cry. Even though this sadness has continued, the tears haven't come. Grief continues to surprise me. I'm not so naive to think that they won't return, but I haven't missed them, and for now, I won't think about it.

Another thought I had this past week was I don't think that I ever told you that I loved you. You wouldn't have believed me, and my guess is that you would have made some joke or diversion to get around the sincerity of it, but it crossed my mind. So, I will tell you now for my own peace of mind and heart.

I will miss you forever.
I will love you always.
Gina

June 24th, 2010

Evie Marie Stangl

Born: June 24th, 2010 at 4:15 p.m.

6 lbs. 7 oz.

19 1/4 in.

Dear Evie,

You are finally here and all of us are so glad! However getting you into this world was quite a process, but what labor isn't? I want to write this down so that you know and so that I don't forget, so here goes...

Saturday, June 19th, 2010

Natalie and Macie were spending the weekend with Grandma and Papa so Mommy and Daddy could get some much needed rest. Every day towards the end of your pregnancy was tiring and by 6pm every night I was in the tub to relax then to the couch to rest. We spent Saturday outside with friends at a crayfish boil. The weather was beautiful and I even managed to get a little sun. Daddy and I got home and as we started to get ready for bed, I noticed that I started to have some contractions. They weren't very painful but I could definitely tell something was going on. So, off we headed to the hospital.

I was having contractions, but they weren't very strong, so the Dr. on call decided to give me something to stop the contractions and by 10:00 am we were headed home.

Sunday, June 20th, 2010
Sunday was very uneventful. We spent the day resting and your sisters came home from Grandma and Papa's house. All of us were getting very impatient to meet you!

Monday, June 21st, 2010
Natalie and Macie headed to daycare and I spent the day resting. Around dinner time, I started to not feel very good...again. This time, my contractions were much more painful than two nights ago, but they were only coming every 20 minutes or so. As the hours passed, I continued to contract but nothing was very consistent. By 1:00 am, we decided to call the Dr. and he recommended that once my contractions reached 5 minutes apart, to head to the hospital. Of course, once I got off the phone, they stopped. Arg.

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010
Daddy took the day off of work to go to the Dr. with me. We had been up most of the night wondering if tonight was the night you were going to make your grand entrance, so needless to say, we were both pretty tired. We saw the Dr. and she told me that I was 4-5 cm dilated and to continue to wait it out. This, of course, put me into tears because I so badly wanted to be done being pregnant and anxious to meet you. They sent me home to rest and relax. She also reminded me that the longer you stayed in my tummy, the better it was for health reasons. So, the waiting continued.

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

The day was pretty uneventful but once dinner time rolled around, the contractions started again. This time, they were close together and painful. I didn't want to go to the hospital, but Daddy insisted. We called Grandma to come and watch your sisters and off we went. The nurses put me in a room and monitored me for a while and yes, I was definitely in labor, however I was still not 37 weeks; I was 36 weeks 5 days. We walked the halls trying to progress labor but by 11:00 pm, everything had stopped...again. We didn't know what was going to happen. At that point, I just wanted to go home. However, that was not suggested and we decided to stay. I was still at 5 cm and the Dr. on call to give me an oral medication and a shot of morphine to help me sleep through the night. I was nervous about the morphine since I had never taken it, but finally made the decision to put my trust in the Drs. and nurses taking care of me and do what they thought was best. I have to say, that was the best decision we made. I got a wonderful night of sleep.

Thursday, June 24th, 2010
I woke up at 5:15 am and had the nurse check on me and when asked if I could sleep more, I said "Yes!" so, that's what I did. I woke up at 7:30 am ready for whatever they were going to tell me. My new nurse was Jan, a nurse that I had had for both of your sisters and is one of the most amazing people I have come into contact with in my life so far. She is amazing and loves her job. After checking my cervix she reassured me that, no, I wasn't going home. After she told me that, I was ready to name you Jan.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I wasn't in as much pain and did some more walking to see if I could move things along. I went from a 5 to a 5 1/2 but it was enough for my Dr. to give permission for an epidural and pitocin. Jan had to help with another labor so she introduced us to Jessica. Again, another amazing woman. We waited for the pitocin to start to work and after an hour or so, a resident came in to break my water.

~Sidenote~ I love watching nurses teach residents what to do!

I still was not making a lot of progress and Jessica noticed that the resident may not have broken my water like she thought she did, so Jessica gave it a shot. She definitely accomplished the task. Not long after that I was fully dilated and my Dr. was called. Jessica suggested that I start to push you out so that when the Dr. arrived she would just have to catch. We went through a couple of rounds of pushing and after 3 or 4 rounds Jessica says "Ok, I want you to push one more time, but I may you stop depending on how close the baby is to crowning...OK STOP! We are going to wait now." It's a good thing I had an epidural, otherwise there would have been no stopping!

My Dr. came through the door minutes later panting! She was stuck in detours and construction and I am pretty sure she ran as soon as she parked her car. Once she was ready, I pushed and not long after, out you came. It was such an amazing moment for all of us in the room. Our Dr. who had been with us through all the scary parts of the pregnancy, Jessica who had helped us through out most of my labor during the day and Daddy and I.

The Dr. held you up and immediately I started to laugh and cry all at the same time. I was so excited that you were a girl. You completed our family and had fought your way to be with us. You were placed on my chest and Daddy and I couldn't stop giggling and crying. As I looked at my Dr., she was smiling and crying with us. What an amazing person. There was no hurry to take you away from me. I cleaned you off and kissed you, and Daddy named you Evie. What a perfect little girl you were the moment you breathed your first breath.

As soon as I could I called Grandma and she put Natalie on the phone...
Natalie: Hi Momma! Are you coming home?
Me: Soon honey...Mommy had the baby.
Natalie: You had the baby!?!?
Me: Yea! You have another baby sister.
Natalie: (big inhaled breath) MACIE WE HAVE A BABY SISTER!
The sound of her excitement still replays in my head when I watch her with you.

Evie, we didn't know if you would make it to us safe. On the day you arrived it was one of the happiest days of our lives. We love you so much and can't wait to watch you grow and see what kind of person you are going to become.

I love you always.
Mommy

In Their Words Wednesday

Some funny things the girls have been saying!
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Macie: You ok Mamma?
Me: Yup. My tummy just hurts a little.
Macie: The baby hurting you?
Me: Yea, a little.
Macie: Oh nuts!

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We were in the van driving somewhere and Jason Derulo's "In My Head" song came on the radio. A few minutes after it was over...

Natalie: Mom, I was jammin to that last song. You know, the "goin down in my head" song. I really like it.

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Al had taken the girls on a walk and they came across a retaining wall. Both girls climbed up and proceeded to jump off of different levels of the wall. Natalie continued to get higher and higher and after each time she jumped off made the statement: "That's what I'm talkin' about!"

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Me: You are my baby.
Macie: No I'm not!
Me: Yes you are. You will always be my baby!
Macie: No! I'm Daddy's baby!"

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Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. ~Carl Sagan

Dear Baby,

I sit here and continue to wait for your arrival. Will it really take 32 more days until I get to meet you? Will it take less? more? You are still very active in my belly; continuing to toss and turn whenever I am still. My body tries to make room for you and you have no problems pushing whatever you want out of the way.

I am so curious to meet you. First of all, are you a boy or a girl? Through the beginning part of this pregnancy, there was no question in my mind that you are our third and final girl. But the more active you became, both Daddy and I agreed you must be a boy! Now, I'm just not sure. I don't have a feeling either way about your gender but I do know that you are a fighter. From the beginning you have been a fighter and it is something I already love about you.

Second, your name. This has been very hard for Daddy and I. I have given up and left it up to your Dad. I think he has it down to two girl names and two boy names but I think we will still have to spend some time with you before we pick one out. As we searched for names that we liked, we found many, but none that we were absolutely in love with. We didn't even disagree about names. Everything was just Ok. We don't want something too popular or anything that can be spelled 12 different ways. Papa Snyder insists on calling you Vince whether you are a boy OR a girl and Grandma Snyder likes Ronnie (Veronica) or Hannah if you are a girl. Natalie decided a while ago that if you are a boy you should be named Hent, Tent or Trent, and if you are a girl, Sparkle. We will just have to see I guess.

Third, I can't wait for you to meet your sisters. Natalie loves to feel you move around in my belly. She thinks that you are going to be a boy even though she would be ok if she got another sister. She is always coming up to me and asking "Is the baby moving Mamma?" or "I feel something hard right there! What is that?" She can't wait to hold you, take care of you and make you laugh. She is already such a good big sister to Macie. Even though I know she wasn't too  thrilled on having another sibling in the first place, I think she is pretty excited now.

Macie has not been very interested in you until about two weeks ago. She thinks you are going to be a girl. She also has started to touch my belly a lot and insists on kissing and hugging my belly, saying goodbye when I drop her off at daycare and goodnight to you when I tuck her into bed. She asks "Is the baby coming out now?", "Does the baby hurt you Mamma?" and "I want to hold her!" It is so hard for her to wait. I think Macie is going to be my biggest helper once you come. She is not as interactive with other babies we are around, but has to make sure that they have toys, snacks, their cup, whatever is needed to keep them happy. She can't wait to be a big sister.

Fourth, I can't wait for you to meet your Daddy. He is amazing. It took him a little longer to know if he wanted you or not, but I think in his heart he knew you would always be a part of our lives. Many people seem to think that just because we have had two girls already, that we wanted to have a third to try for a boy. But to tell you the truth, we wanted a third CHILD. Boy or girl makes no difference to us. We didn't decide to have children to have a specific gender. We just wanted kids. Daddy loves babies and I can't wait for him to hold you, swaddle you (he is a master at this) and brag about you just like he does about the girls. Even though you are our third, I feel as if he may be more of a baby hog with you. I don't really know why, it is just a feeling I have.

So, I will continue to wait little one. I will tell you to take your time, but as each day passes it is getting harder and harder to be patient. I will continue to count the days.

I love you.
Mamma

In Their Words Wednesday

This is from the last two weeks. It isn't a lot, but I have been wanting to get it out there. Hopefully I can keep it up Elena. Enjoy!

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Brian:What do you think about that Nattie?
Natalie: Daddy, I like Natalie better. Some people call me Nattie, but I like Natalie the best.
Brian: But I can still call you Nattie, right?
Natalie: Yea, but I still like Natalie the best.

Ok, I guess she has an opinion about her name.

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Brian: Where did this rain come from?!?!
Macie: I don't know.
Natalie: Rainclouds.
Brian: Thank you Captain Obvious.

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Natalie: Dad, I took the binder out of Ariel Princess's hair (her Barbie doll) and it was OUT OF CONTROL!

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In Their Words Wednesday

Ok Elena. I'm gonna give this a try and hopefully I will be able to keep it up! There is only a few, but I think I have to just tune in a little more to what the girls are saying. Most of the time they are pretty funny, but I am so used to the quirky things they say, that I don't realize they are funny until someone comes over, hears their conversations or has a conversation with them, and starts to laugh.

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Natalie: Mom! Look at my toe!
Me: What? What happened...
Natalie: It's bleeding.
Me: Oh. Why?
Natalie: I don't know. I stubbed it on something sharp. (with a "duh" look on her face)

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While eating grapes at the table, Macie takes a bunch that are still on the vine. As she is picking them off of the vine, one of the stems comes off with the grape.
She looks at the grape and says: "What the..."

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Brian picked up the girls from daycare and on their way to a park the Ke$ha song "Your Love is My Drug" song came on. I hate Ke$ha, but this song so catchy to me, so when it comes on, me and the girls rock out. Brian hates the song but decided to leave it on.
When it was done Natalie said: Daddy, my favorite part of the song is when she says "crack head." It's funny!
My influence is not so good on the girls apparently.

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What can Gluten do for you?

On Friday, a second grade teacher came to me with an interesting question. So interesting, I had to write about it. She came to me because she has a boy in her class that was diagnosed with Celiac Disease this year. Her question: Do you know if going on a gluten free diet can affect behavior in a negative way?

Huh. Let me think about that.

This boy, before he was diagnosed, was a pretty average second grade boy with really no behavior problems in the classroom. He is a bright student and able finish whatever work he was handed. Now, it seems, he has a hard time focusing and can't get work done in the classroom. It's like he has TOO much energy.

This is my understanding of a gluten free (GF) diet:

• If you are diagnosed with Celiac Disease treatment is a gluten free diet - nothing made from wheat, barley or rye. Period. It is not something you can grow out of.
• It is not an allergy. It is an intolerance.
• A gluten free diet is a very healthy way of living. You want to loose weight - go GF. I swear you will see the pounds melt off. You want to lose more? Cut out lactose too.
• Many parents of children with autism or ADD/ADHD may try a GF diet instead of medication. The thought here is (I think, please don't quote me) that our bodies use energy to digest food. Gluten is a difficult protein for our intestinal systems to process and uses a lot of energy. Some of us have no issues, while others may. Take gluten out of a child's diet and their bodies are able to use that energy, that used to be used on digestion, on other things such as focusing and brain function

So, back to my teacher friend. I got to thinking about her question and her second grader. This child had been ill for a while. His body "bogged" down with gluten and unable to process it. Since going GF, he feels great and almost has extra energy. His body almost feels too good; if that is even possible. His system worked so hard for so long that he may have just been too tired to focus on anything else, therefore portraying him as a mild mannered kid. Now, its like he is looking at the world through new eyes. As his teacher says it is almost as if he is over stimulated.

This whole situation was SO interesting to me. Everything I have written above is completely my opinion. The bulleted points are things that I have learned over the years and what I understand about the disease.

On that note, Twin Cities R.O.C.K. had their 9th annual Celiac Walk in Victoria, MN. It was the biggest turnout yet with 1,300 people participating and over $46,000 raised. Natalie loves to go and we get loads of free information and samples. It was great.

So Human

Love...

• Diet Coke - warm or cold, I can't get enough
• Spearmint Life Savers - I could eat an entire bag and not care if I get gut rot
• Double Stuf Oreos - 'nuf said
• All American Rejects - I can listen to their albums from start to finish
• Bull Durham - Best. Baseball. Movie. Ever.
• Sarcasm - I don't care if people think I use sarcasm because I am unhappy. It is a part of me and even though I need to keep it in check sometimes, it makes me smile
• Baths - Summer or winter, I love a hot bath - the kind that makes your skin turn red
• My Grandma's potato salad - she can't write down the recipe but knows its right because of how it looks. I've decided she has to live forever or at least as long as I do so I can always eat her potato salad in the summer
• Brian and my girls - that's a given
• Flannel sheets
• Peas - I always have and always will
• Raspberries - pick and eat until you are full
• A good sneeze
• The sun - I'm like a cat. If the sun is shining in the house somewhere, I will find it and curl up
• Our church - we have found a community that we love and want to contribute to. I can't wait for Sunday's to come around
• Rain - I always sleep better and I love the smell (not the worm smell, the other smell)
• Sleeping
• When I'm teaching and I can physically SEE when a child learns something
• Reading - I have only recently become a lover of reading but I can't get enough
• Playing cards - Gin, Rummy, Euchre, 99, Cribbage, I love a good card game - however if you play me, I want to win
• When I can talk baseball and sound somewhat intelligent
• A good piece of steak - cooked rare perfectly on the grill. My dad has ruined me in this category and I thank him for it
• Shoes - tennis, crocs, wedges, flats, boots, I want them all
• Marshmallows - the best fat free snack and potty training tool in the world
• Big Bang Theory, The Mentalist and Deadliest Catch
• Ice - I am an ice chewer. I will thank Mom for that one. And on top of that, I am an ice snob! Do you know there are places that have better ice than others? True story

Dislike

• Heartburn
• Olives
• Mushrooms
• Pants that look good but are uncomfortable to wear
• When your nose is stuffed on only one side
• That I am TOO opinionated at times. Some things just need to be kept to myself and that's ok!
• Cleaning the bathroom
• The two weeks during strato season where all the boys are calling Brian working out trades and asking opinions
• That Justin Morneau has to have a full count more often than not when batting. It stresses me out - don't judge
• That Natalie is growing up
• Exercising - Ew
• Rage Against the Machine - again, Ew
• Money - It's no good
• Rory's gone
• Restless Leg Syndrome
• Waking up and having some part of my body that has "fallen asleep" - especially my hands/arms

These are just some things on my mind tonight.

Happy Mother's Day

On Tuesday, May 4th, Natalie came home from school with a present for me for Mother's Day. It was quite heavy and no matter what I bribed her with, she would not tell me or anyone else what was in the bag. There was also a very nice card attached to the gift. Inside were six questions that her teacher asked her and she answered. I got to open the gift today and although I like the present, I have to say that the card is my favorite.

Here is what the card said:

My mom likes to eat: PEAS

My mom is 90 years old.

My mom's favorite TV show is: THE JONAS BROTHERS

My mom weighs 8 pounds.

My mom is good at: MAKING FOOD AND TEACHING

If I could give my mom anything in the world I would give her: A RING

Being a single parent is not for me

Brian left for Richmond to go watch NASCAR on Wednesday which means I have been a single parent for 4 whole days. My first concern was "Who will bring me my juice in the morning?" which, of course is a major deal! We have a very nice routine every morning and that was going to be interrupted because of Brian's vacation with my Dad and brother in-laws. But if you know anything about the type of husband and father Brian is, you know that he so deserves this vacation.

The girls and I have been managing just fine. We even planned a night at a hotel/water park with my mom and sisters and their kids. 4 adults and 6 kids under the age of 5 was quite the experience. The girls had a blast with their cousins and loved staying at the hotel. However, having an adventure like this while being 29 weeks pregnant is not something that I would want to do again. Everything just hurts more this time around and my Dr. simply says "It gets worse with every pregnancy." Oh. Ok.

Brian's cousin was nice enough to come over on Friday to hang out with the pooch so I didn't have to kennel him. Then she stayed until late on Saturday which was awesome. The girls LOVE hanging out with her and I was able to stay somewhat emotionally and mentally stable through Saturday. Molly came over too, but due to a puppy who is just excited about everything, she had to get that doggie back home.

I would have to say the highlight of the weekend was eating dinner Saturday night. I made pasta with chicken and veggies and Macie just wasn't interested in her food. She would pick at it but that was about it. Finally, I was done trying to convince her to eat, and told her that she could be done and to get down from the table. She looked at me, tears filling her eyes, lip in full pout mode and said "I miss my Daddy!" and proceeded to cry. It was really quite sweet. We cuddled and a few minutes later she was ok.

Brian comes back today, but instead of coming home, he is heading right to the softball fields for a double header. We will meet him up there for his first game so we can say hi, then home and off to bed. I have to say, 8:00pm can't come fast enough.

Who is tapping me on the shoulder?

A couple of weeks ago I posted about life and life changes. Well, I'm going to come clean and say that there were some things in the works when I posted that blog entry. Here we go...

About a month or so ago a friend of mine from another school in the district asked me to job share with her. At the time, it just didn't seem doable. I didn't want to leave my current school and I didn't think we could cut my paycheck in half and make life work. Two weeks ago someone from the school that I am currently working in asked me to job share out of the blue. She teaches kindergarten and was looking to go to part time. She had other options, but knowing I was pregnant with Baby #3 and job sharing herself with three kids a little while ago, she just thought she would ask. Well, she got me thinking. SERIOUSLY thinking. CRYING I was thinking so hard.

Was God tapping me on the shoulder? Slow down Gina. Think about this. I'm not going to tap again.

Brian and I made lists, budgets, talked with friends, family and daycare. We talked about what life would look like with that kind of pay cut and what would come out of me working part time. Some of it added up just fine and some of it didn't. It came down to time with the kids. Do you get that time back? No. Do I want to be a stay at home mom full time? No. Do I want to leave teaching? No.

Job sharing seems to be the best of both worlds and I am very excited to give it a try. Well, today I got word that the district approved the job share so that is the plan next year. My friend will be coming to first grade and we will be splitting weeks instead of splitting days. I will work Monday's and Tuesday's and she will work Thursday's and Friday's and we will work every other Wednesday. Overall we will each work 87 of the 174 student contact days out of the year. So I will get a four or five day weekend every week. Sweet! I will get to be home with the new baby and the girls two or three days out of the work week. Awesome! I will get to continue to teach. Great!

So, thank you for tapping.

More Bacon Than the Pan Can Handle

It's late and restless leg is getting the best of me. I first experienced restless leg when I was pregnant with Natalie and I have to say, I think it is one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever experienced. I had it with Macie as well, but it came a little earlier in the pregnancy. With this baby, it came on much earlier. Since I was on bed rest from week 11, the uncomfortable feeling in my legs came at 12 weeks. I had been hoping that the feeling would subside a little when I went back to work full time and was on my feet more, but, no such luck. Now, here I sit at 12:09 at night with my mind racing and my legs wanting to run along with it.

I am a full time working mom. It is not something I am ashamed of. I love what I do and feel that I would not be a good stay at home mom. Some women are meant to be at home with their kids. They come up with activities, sign up for classes and can keep up a routine. I have the opportunity to do this every summer and can manage a routine for a good two weeks before it all falls apart. My job is where I have structure, routine and sanity; even if it does involve twenty-one 6 year olds.

Baby #3 is what has my mind going tonight. July is the scheduled time for this child to come into our lives and I don't feel as if I will have enough time with him/her. Natalie was born in May, so I got to have the full summer to get to know her and being that I was just starting my job, I was excited to get to start work. Macie was a February baby and even though it was difficult to drop her off at daycare at 6 weeks old, I knew that summer wasn't far away and we would have time together. Baby #3's time seems to be cut short. Depending on when baby makes his/her grand entrance, week six comes right around workshop week and I am in it for the year. When do I get to know this child? Unless God has a different plan for us, Brian and I are planning on this being our last child. I don't want to miss out on anything because of work, but I don't think I can handle being a full time stay at home mom either.

It's not like there isn't options; there are. Having options means that decisions need to be made. Making decisions is going to turn our family down one path or another. There is not a "right" path. The choice is the difficult part - left or right. I continue to pray for guidance and peace of mind and know that with time, things will work themselves out.

What a Day

Today has been interesting. First of all, I want to say that I am now addicted to finding blog backgrounds. I have started this new blog and all I want to do is search for cute and fun backgrounds to apply to my blog. Please do not be surprised to see my page change weekly. I definitely have a problem. It is very similar to my addiction to scrapbooking paper. In the words of Depeche Mode, "I just can't get enough." (Yes, I had to look that up.)

At school, the highlight of my morning was when one of my first graders wrote a story about a hoop named Basket and a basketball named Ball. The problem in this story is that the net breaks. When I asked my student if the problem was going to be fixed by Basket going to see a net doctor, he looked at me like "Are you nuts?" and said "No. They are just going to glue it." Ok then.

Next, we headed up to school with Natalie for kindergarten round up. I have to say this was very weird for me. It is hard for me to be a parent in these situations. I walk in a school and my brain switches into teacher mode and I see a bunch of parents with their kids and forget that I am part of that group too. Its weird. I sat there listening to the principal talk about lots of stuff, all good information for parents to know, and didn't feel like she was talking to me. Natalie was super excited and kept asking which teacher she was going to have and which classroom was hers. We walked in all the rooms, met a couple of the teachers and where ever she ends up, she is going to love it.

Finally, more reality set in. We walked into the gym to sit down for the presentation and there are two lunch tables set up with activities for the kids. One table had crayons and color sheets, the other had a snack on it; graham crackers, pretzels, animal crackers and some frosting. Gluten, gluten and more gluten. Brian's response, "And it starts here for Natalie." Wow. My heart sank.

Most of the time I have accepted that Celiac Disease is a part of our lives. It is not as big of a deal as I once thought it would be. Natalie is an amazing kid and very responsible when it comes to what she can and cannot eat. I have thought many times about what school is going to be like for her when it comes to food. It is OUR responsibility as parents to provide for her. I do not expect the school or the teachers to work around her food needs or be responsible for providing for her. Parents who want the world changed because their child has food needs or otherwise, tend to urk me. That's right. I said URK. Is Natalie different? Yes. Am I sad that she cannot have the same foods other kids can have? Yes. Do I expect everyone to cater to her? Absolutely not. Yes, there are times when I will try my hardest to get her something that is the same as everyone else, but the reality is, she isn't like everyone else and the earlier she realizes that, the better off she will be, in my opinion. I have already witnessed her talking to some of her friends when they ask her why she has to have special foods and she is so matter of fact. She just looks at them and says, "Well, that has gluten and I can't have gluten. I have a special (donut, cookie, cracker, whatever it happens to be that day) and it won't hurt my tummy." What a kid.

The days pass and my belly gets bigger. Baby #3 is a mover and a shaker. I worry about what baby is going to do to my insides once he/she gets bigger and doesn't have as much room to do the somersaults he/she is so fond of. Time will tell.

Do I start to blog again? Or Not...

I have recently switched to this blog site because the one I was using previously was blocked at work. I also like that this blog is a google application and I use some of their apps already. The last post on the other blog was another letter to Rory. I am glad I still write them and think that it is very therapeutic for me when I am feeling very emotional about him. However, there has been a lot going on in the past six months that I would like to touch on as well. So, here goes...

September: The school year started off great and after going back and forth about having another child, Brian and I decided, why not. Unfortunately, the pregnancy didn't stick and we lost the baby at six weeks. Although this was hard, there was so much support and love surrounding me I got through that time okay. Natalie started her second year of preschool (two days a week) and, just like last year, loved school and her teacher. Macie continues to come into her own and started to talk a lot more. Molly who had been living with us for about 18 months bought her own town home and moved out. Brian and I are so proud of all of the steps she has made to move forward in her life.

October: We were told to wait, and didn't listen. October came around and I was pregnant...again. We are so blessed to not have fertility problems and everything felt different about this pregnancy. We made it to the apple orchard a couple of times and Halloween was a blast.

November: Nothing exciting. November was a boring month.

December: I started to show already and also found out that our neighbors were also going to be having a baby. We were all so excited. Got though Rory's birthday. Got through Rory's death day. The month seemed to fly by, but just in time for Christmas, Dec. 21, I started to bleed. I was 11 weeks and thought I was going to miscarry. I made it through the night without too much more bleeding and after another ultrasound it looked as if the baby was fine, but that I had a hemorrhage. We later found out that the placenta had tore away from the wall of my uterus and caused the bleed. I was put on bed rest and tried to learn what that meant. I still don't completely know.

January: I didn't return to work until I could see my Dr. and decide what was best for me and the baby. Our family, friends, neighbors and church surrounded us with support and prayers throughout the entire situation. It was amazing. I went back to work part time from the second week of January and was glad to be out of the house for part of the day. My father in law passed the winter time away by building the girls beautiful bunk beds which they absolutely love. I was also sent to a perinatologist to have a level 2 ultrasound done to check out how things were progressing with the baby. 20 weeks was the benchmark I had to make it to, so I had to continue to take it easy and just wait.

February: I had a birthday and Macie had a birthday. I can't believe she is 3. What an amazing little girl she has become. I also had my 20 week ultrasound with the perinatologist at which point he said "You healed yourself! I told you you would." And, life returned to normal...somewhat. The stress was gone and I went back to work full time. This was a very good thing. :)

March: March also came and went quickly. I was glad to be back at work full time and I think my students were glad too...I think. Now that the stress of a high risk pregnancy was gone my belly popped out more than ever and the baby was moving around like nothing was ever wrong. We continued to switch the playroom to a nursery and the name search had begun. Natalie wants a brother and Macie wants a sister, however when asked who gets to decide these things they both answer "God." Thats right little girls! Natalie has mentioned suggestions for names though: Boy: Trent, Girl: Sparkle. Thank you 4 year old.

April: April is well on its way and the baby is more active than ever. Both Brian and I thought that we would always have 3 girls, but we both get the feeling that this one is a boy. Heartrates continue to be between 150-155 bpm, but the movement just doesn't stop. Especially from 6-11pm.

All in all, we are loving life and can't wait for what the rest of the year has to bring us. I hope I can continue to find time to post on this blog. It is a way for me to journal and remember. If people read it, that's great, but really I just need a place to share and vent...whether anyone is listening or not. :)

When will the tears stop?

Dear Rory,

I'm home alone tonight and decided that this is the right moment to write you a letter. This week has been tougher than I thought it would be. I made it through most of the 15th just fine, only to break down while talking to a friend at school after the kids were gone. While talking to her, I realized it had been two years since I last saw you. The ache in my heart immediately came back. I miss you.

The rest of the week has been kind of funny in a weird way. After pulling myself together, I left school on Tuesday only to meet up with a train in Rosemount and, as if it were mocking me, the engine car stayed at my pace for 2 - 3 blocks. I could only laugh and shake my head. Fuck you, you bastard, humf. Me, Brian and the girls headed to IGH for dinner with Mom and Dad that night and on the way home I was trying to find something on the radio to listen to. I stopped on The Current only to hear Brother Ali. Really?! Brian could only giggle. Finally, yesterday while driving home, I again was flipping channels in the car, landed on The Current and what were they playing? The Streets. That band. That band that you brought to the house to listen to because, heaven forbid, we eat without music on. I hated the CD and got scolded for it. Are you just on my mind? Are these things coincidence? Do you have anything to do with it?

I'm not angry. At least I don't think I am. I am sad. I want the hole in my heart to be filled. That will never happen. I want December to come and I don't want to cry. I've found out the only way to do that is to be medicated and that's not such a bad idea. 

I can say that I don't think about you every day. To some extent, I'm glad about that. You come into my thoughts at least once a week, if not more, but not every day. Most of the time the memories are good ones. I can hear your laugh, see your charming smile and feel your warmth when you would let me give you a hug. It is now, during this time of year that the tears come. I will be glad to see them go.

Brian and I are going to have a third child. One more beautiful baby to bring into our family. You will never know that child. Natalie remembers you. Macie doesn't, but it is my memory of you holding her and interacting with her that I love. I will not have that with this child. Again, the tears come. 

Two years. Sometimes that feels like such a long time and others, not at all. How will I be feeling next year or in 5 or 10 years? Only time will tell.

I love you.

I miss you. 

Gina

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Happy Birthday Rory.

33.

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GOULASH

I think my blog is turning into a recipe site. Oh well. I love goulash because I think there is a million different ways to make it. I feel that if it is to be a true goulash it must have noodles, hamburger and ketchup. Just my opinion.

Here is my version of Goulash Hotdish.

Goulash

1 lb. Hamburger

1/2 onion (diced)

2 cloves garlic (diced)

2 cups elbow macaroni (uncooked) (We like Tinkyada GF)

2 cups water

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can black beans (rinsed and drained)

1/4 cup barbecue sauce (Sweet Baby Ray's is GF)

3/4 cup ketchup (Heinz is GF)

Lawry's Seasoning Salt

Shredded Cheese

Brown hamburger, onion and garlic in large pot. Depending on how much grease produced by the meat, you may want to drain it. I used a leaner hamburger so I didn't have to drain any of the grease. Season to taste with Lawry's Seasoning Salt. Add macaroni, water, tomatoes, black beans, katchup and barbecue sauce. Stir well, cover and let simmer until macaroni is tender. Serve in bowls and top with shredded cheese. 

Easy and only takes about 20 minutes. Also Gluten Free if you use the right kind of macaroni, ketchup and barbecue sauce. Enjoy!

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Bread? We don't need no stinking bread!

My new favorite lunch:

Butter Leaf Lettuce

Butter Leaf Lettuce

Cream Cheese

Meat (sliced turkey or ham)

American Cheese

Sliced Pickles

Schmear the cream cheese on a piece of lettuce and top with your choice of meat and cheese. We added pickles too because we love pickles in our household. Roll up and enjoy. It is so yummy!! Instead of cream cheese, I put ranch dressing on Brian's because that's how he rolls. Mo and I, however, could swim in a vat of cream cheese. I believe you could slap some onion and a piece of tomato on there as well. 

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Who loves meatloaf?

When Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, I signed up to get daily recipes from Gluten Free Club. I didn't have to sign up for the club to get the recipes, so, game on. Every once in a while they will send a recipe that uses mostly "regular" food. Yesterday they sent a meatloaf recipe that is amazing! I changed it a little, but it was still very good!

Here it is.

Italian Meatloaf

1 1/2 lbs. ground pork
3 eggs
1 cup cooked rice
1 1/2 cups grated cheddar cheese
1/2 tablespoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoons dried chopped chives

2 cloves chopped garlic (or you could add onion)
1 teaspoon dried basil + 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1/4 cup ketchup 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°F degrees.
    
Mix all ingredients together well in a very large bowl.
    
Press mixture into a loaf pan (the temps and times are for glass loaf pans.) Bake  for 55 minutes.

**I put the mixture into jumbo muffin tins (greased) and filled them with the meat mixture 3/4 full. Individual serving sizes are fun! They may not need to be cooked 55 min. I think I cooked mine for 45-50 min.
    
Remove from oven and pour off some fat.
    
Cover tops of meatloaves with a generous layer of ketchup.
    
Bake 15 minutes longer.
    
Cool 10 to 15 minutes before cutting loaf. 

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So you wanna make a cake...

I can't tell you when it started. I can tell you that I didn't start the cake making. This was the first year that I have made a cake for one of the girls (nieces) birthdays. Hailey wanted a Barbie cake, so I thought I thought I would step up to the plate. It was a little nerve racking, but it ended up turning out alright.

Hailey's Barbie Cake

Other cakes that have been made are the two shown here, made by Sarah, to look like my girls' favorite security item. Natalie's Lamby and Macie's blanket, or Na as she likes to call it. Sarah has also made a cake to look like a sun for Chloe's first birthday and Beth made a small rectangular cake to look like a present for Hailey's first birthday. I unfortunately don't have pictures of those off hand, but may add them later.

Natalie's Lamby Cake

Macie's Blanket Cake

As you can tell, marshmallows is one of our favorite decorating tools! What next?

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Happy Birthday Baby!!!!

Nattie B-Day

I'm 4!

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Unforgettable

Dear Rory,

I feel like I am forgetting you. I walk by your picture everyday in the hallway and try to look at it deliberately. Some days I smile and others I have to force myself to look. I don't feel like I am trying to push your memory away but every time I see something that reminds me of you, a picture, a song, your letter in the bottom of my drawer I find myself quickly turning away. I wish I wouldn't.

When listening to new music on the radio I am constantly thinking of you. Wondering if you would like the new stuff that is out right now. Wondering what kind of music you would come across that I would absolutely hate. Wonder, wonder, wonder and never get an answer. It's very frustrating for me.

For a long time now I haven't even minded seeing or hearing trains, but I think that too is coming full circle. When I see them, I see you. My mind doesn't get graphic, but the end result is always the same. 

I haven't cried for you in a long time either but as I continue to write you this letter, it seems that that too is coming full circle. I have a physical pain and tightening in my chest as I think about you. A huge portion of my anger is gone. What I am feeling now is a tremendous amount of sadness for you and me. You are no longer suffering but I am no longer able to see and talk to you in the way that I want to. 

I still think that you didn't have to commit suicide to end your suffering. My depression is so much less than yours. I still cannot fathom what you went through everyday in your head. I think I am a hopeless optimist. Where there is love there can be a solution. I am devastated that this wasn't the case for you.

I will forever love you and miss you.

Gina.

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How do you like your cheese?

My conversation in the car with Natalie tonight was about farm animals. Two weeks ago farm animals was the theme at preschool. Her first statement was:
Natalie: "Mom, did you know that cows make milk?"
Me: "Yep, I do. Do you think brown cows make chocolate milk?
Natalie in a very confused voice: "I think they do..."
The conversation continued onto many other farm animals, including horses. I told her that along with pulling carriages and horse back rides, they also make glue. That one flew over her head. Our conversation ended with goats.
Me: "Did you know that goats make milk too?"
Natalie: "They do?"
Me: "Yep. Some people drink goat's milk, but we usually drink milk from cows."
Natalie: "Yeah, I like milk from cows."
Me: "But goat cheese is good. I really like goat cheese."
Natalie: "Oh. I just like my cheese plain."
REALLY! Really. Good Lord. I thought Brian was going to pee his-self.

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Using only one word

Where is your cell phone?  purse

 Your significant other?  26

 Your hair?  long

 Your mother?  worrying

 Your father?  sleeping

 Your favorite things?  naps

 Your dream last night? weird

 Your favorite drink?  diet

 Your dream/goal? calmness

 What room are you in?  living

 Your hobby?  scrappin'

 Your fear?  death

 Where do you want to be in 6 years?  Farmington

 Where were you last night?  couch

 Something that you aren't? tactful

 Muffins?  orange

 Wish list item?  baby

 Last thing you did?  read

 Your pets?  stinky

 Friends?  uh-huh

 Your life?  hectic

 Your mood?  tired

 Missing someone?  Rory

 Drinking?  nope

 Smoking?  yucky

 Your car?  Bullet

 Something you're not wearing?  bra

 Your favorite store?  1/2 price

 Your favorite color?  green

 When is the last time you cried?  Saturday

 Where do you go to over and over? work

 Five people who email me regularly? family

 My favorite place to eat?  Changs

Give it a try! It was fun to sit here and do.

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Who are these children and why are they calling me Mom?

So we were in the entry way getting ready to go to daycare and I told Nattie that her snack schedule for her preschool teacher was in her backpack. This is how the conversation went.
Me: Nattie give this to your teacher when you get to school. Your shoes will be in here too.
Nattie: I have school today?
Me: Yep.
Nattie: Oh, Snap!
I am not joking. This was unprovoked. She actually said that. I asked her where she heard it and she just shrugged her shoulders.
Seriously. Who's kid is this?

Also, does this picture worry anyone besides me?

Cowgirl Macie

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Facebook Note, Blog, Same Diff

So Mo and I were thinking of all the AWESOME (yet not really) movies we could watch over and over as kids. So I made a list of 15 movies and if you want please go ahead and make your own list. We had quite a chuckle over what we used to watch obsessively as children.

p.s. I watched Disney the most as a kid, but that would be a somewhat boring and predictable list, so I put the one that I remember watching the most.

  
1. Girls Just Want to Have Fun
2. Flight of the Navigator
3. Troop Beverly Hills
4. Over the Top (don't ask)
5. Never Ending Story
6. Chipmunk Adventure
7. Calamity Jane
8. Project X
9. Sound of Music
10. Annie
11. Short Circut (Numba' 5 is Alive!)
12. Footloose
13. Toby Tyler
14. Lady Hawk
15. Mary Poppins

I am also going to add in my sister's 15 because she remembered a BUNCH of good ones that I forgot. Way to go Sista' Memory!

1. She's out of Control
2. Grease (mom always fast forward through a couple select parts)
3. Hallmark Hall of fame ~ The Secret Garden
4. White Christmas (over and over again as soon as the snow fell)
5. Maid to Order
6. Mannequin
7. Back to the Beach (super cheesy!)
8. The boy who could fly
9. The Great Muppet Caper
10. The Princess Bride
11. Singing in the rain
12. Eddie and the Cruisers
13. The Muppets take Manhattan (we loved the end scene!)
14. The Wizard of Oz
15. The Sword and the Stone

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You Go Girl!

As I was sitting on the couch one Wednesday evening, Molly calls me to the computer to see something on the interweb. When I got to the laptop, this is what I saw. Please click and enjoy you germ-a-phobes!

www.go-girl.com

I won't even tell you what I thought it was for considering I was watching the demo and not reading the discriptions.

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I Just Can't Get Enough

On Feb. 16th 2009 I got my second tattoo. I have always wanted tattoos but I didn't expect to be as addicted as I already am. I am not saying that I am willing to spend thousands on body art or put them in places for all to see, but I do love them.

At one point last year I was looking at the "Winter" Tattoo I got in rememberace of Rory and I thought, "I have chosen to remember someone I cared about by permanently changing a part of my body, but I have nothing to symbolize the one person in my life who makes me whole. That's stupid."

So, yesterday Brian and I went to Cossettas and had cheese pizza and an IBC Root Beer and went to Saint Sabrina's to get my second tattoo. I love it and I am already thinking of what I want next. I mean, I have a whole other hip!

26 Tattoo

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25 Random Things

A facebook note turned blog.
1. Peas are my favorite vegetable.
2. I have known that I wanted to be a teacher since the 4th Grade.
3. I have never grown my hair out past my chin.
4. No one else in my immediate family has blue eyes, but luckily my girls did.
5. I love the sun! I'm like a cat. Where ever the sun is in my house, I will find it and lay in it for as long as possible.
6. I love to take naps. 2 hour ones if possible.
7. I have zero cavities in my teeth.
8. I have a Gene Simmons tongue and can curl it three times.
9. I love being pregnant.
10. I never thought I would own a minivan, and yet the silver bullet sits in the garage.
11. I'm convinced that if Brian and I were to have another child it would be a girl because my Mom said so when I was   a teenager...and I have no problems with that.
12. I eat peanut butter on a spoon like a lollipop. YUM!
13. Marshmallows are one of my favorite things to snack on.
14. After getting my first tattoo, I can't wait to get more. I am addicted.
15. I had my eyes lasered two summers ago and it was the best money we ever spent...according to me.
16. After hating pajamas for most of my adult life, I now think they are some of the greatest things on this earth. Brian will tell you differently.
17. Growing up I always sang backup to my sisters in the car. No one told me to, I just started noticing the other sounds/voices in the music we would listen to.
18. My dad nicknamed me Gypsy Woman and it stuck.
19. Sometime in my life I would like to visit Australia and Italy.
20. I am always watching two TV shows at a time. I hate commercials.
21. My favorite color has been green for as long as I can remember.
22. I could eat a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting if I wanted to.
23. I hate scary movies but will always watch vampire movies.
24. I hate making beds and cleaning bathrooms.
25. I am a picker. From pimples to peeling skin, I can't help myself. Ew, I know.

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The Bastard Broke My Heart

You would think with a husband as with it as mine is with baseball, the least he could do is keep me updated on when my boyfriend, Justin Morneau, gets married. (Brian had to help me spell that because Canadians have crazy French names and Brian is a know it all.)  But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I had to hear it on KQ this morning. Let me tell you, I heard my heart breaking, then I went into school to let my husband know that he is slipping in his old age. Arg. Damn you Justin. However, just cause you're married doesn't mean that I will stop watching your fine ass cover first base. Bastard.

Broken heart

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Even Jesus Hates the Yankees

Jesus

So this blog is not about baseball but it is about our church.
On Dec. 30th I got a call from our pastor asking me to speak at church one Sunday during the month of January. But first of all, lets back up.
After the shit storm of 2007, I decided that I needed a place to go so that I could start to piece things together about why things happened the way they did over those few months. Church was the answer for me. It was no surprise that since I was brought up in a catholic family, I turned to God for answers. I just always disliked what the church had become; old, boring, scary and handing out guilt left and right.
So in March of last year we started to go to a mission church called Light of the World (LOTW) headed by a small but extremely charismatic female pastor. I connected with her right away. We have shared lots of great conversation over coffee and I have started to work out my personal beliefs and ideas about religion as well.
So, the 30th comes around and Pastor Deb calls me up and asks if I would be willing to share my story about how the community of the church has helped me and/or what it has meant to me since we started attending LOTW. I said yes and here is what I came up with. I just thought I would throw it out there so that I don't forget that I did it.
-------------------------------
I was brought up in a catholic family. My parents weren’t as strict as my grandparents were about religion, but we went to church every Sunday, no matter what. Church for me was a waste of an hour. I barely understood why I was there and what I did get out of it, I was scared of.
So, as I grew up I knew that church was important, but I had no desire to go. Once Brian and I had kids it seemed to become more urgent to find a church to bring the girls to, but whenever we went, I felt like we were more of a nuisance to the people around us, even though that probably wasn’t the case.
We stopped going and decided that we would find a church when the time was right, whenever that was.
Then the fall of 2007 Natalie couldn’t seem to stay healthy. One of our closest friends, who suffered from bi-polar disorder, took his life in December and Natalie’s illness increased. As we were grieving for our friend and going through testing with Natalie, I started to break down. Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which is an intolerance to gluten, and our lives got flipped. Our way of shopping and eating completely changed. I missed my friend, I was hurting for my daughter and I couldn’t keep up with teaching my first graders let alone be a good wife and a mother to Brian, Natalie and Macie.
A couple of weeks ago, Pastor Deb talked about Jesus looking for us when we are at our worst. Well, that’s when I decided that I needed him. Badly.
We took our baptism class for Macie with Pastor Deb at Shepherd of the Valley and we both really liked her right away. At that time she told us that she was starting a new church, how that came about and that it was going to be located in the Farmington area. In March of 2008, we attended LOTW for the first time and I immediately felt at home.
The more we attended, the more I felt whole. For the first time in my adult life, I wanted to belong to a community. I want to participate, join in, and give because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. The community has given so much to me in return as well. Finding people who have gone through similar situations or even just being a sincere ear to listen when I need to vent.
I am very lucky to have always had great family and friends that have supported me throughout my life.  I always thought that would be enough for me. As it turns out, it wasn’t. Now through LOTW, the spiritual part of my being is also being taken care of. I have this wonderful community that surrounds me and my family when things are going well and when they take an unexpected turn.
Natalie is doing great now and she even gets her own special cracker at communion.  If you didn’t know already, that’s us holding up the line each week.
I love that my girls can’t wait for Sunday to come so they can go to church to listen to the great music and run around with the other kids. I love that I don’t feel as if we are bothering anyone when they need to get up and run around the table because all I have to do is look next to me and most likely another little one is feeling the same way.
I am so excited for this church to grow, I am thrilled for with the future holds for this community, and it means a lot to me that I am going to be able to be a part of it.

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A Year Gone By

Dear Rory,

It's been a year since you took your life. Thoughts of you have come more frequently as December continues to roll on. I have to admit, I kind of liked the past few months where I didn't think of you as often. They were much easier. I had such anxiety about what December was to bring that I had difficulty focusing on what was happening in the present. Though out most of the month I was able to repeat "Here and Now" to myself  when I noticed I was starting to think about how I was going to be feeling as your 32nd birthday and the anniversary of your choice came closer. But what was I suppose to do as those days came. I was stuck in the middle of them and there wasn't a way out.

I seemed to make it though the week OK. I met with a good friend for coffee, went to the doctor to see if there should be any changes to my medication since I had not noticed the effects of it all that much these past few weeks, and met with our pastor to talk out how to get through some of the pain and sadness I have been feeling. All of these things were proactive on my part and I can say that I am proud of myself for doing them. I was hoping that by talking to people I trusted in the different areas of my life I would be able to make it through yesterday with less grief and sadness. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

On the 19th, I was able to get to my classroom and most of the morning before the kids came in without crying. I now know why you didn't like the casual question "How are you doing?" I didn't want to be dishonest, but I did want to avoid the answer. It's like if you don't say "Good" people automatically start to ask more questions and pry into what is making you just feel "OK." I know they are trying to be helpful and caring, but I just didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to be a basket-case all day. When my teammate asked me how I was and I answered "Just trying to get through today." She immediately said, "This is the day, isn't it." and proceeded to give me a big hug. This is when I started crying. I pulled myself together and got on with the morning.

As the day went on, I had some fun with the kids and sent them off to recess and lunch. I spent my lunch in my classroom, eating Marshmallow Mateys, and sometime during that 30 minutes my friend Crystal came into my room to drop off a simple gift of a Harry and David Pear. I had told her about these pears and she dropped one off as a surprise for me. I found her in the lunchroom eating lunch with her oldest son and gave her a big hug for her kindness. This was the second time the tears came down. I was worried if I would be able to get them to stop this time.

On this Friday, we decided to have everyone over for cereal. Both Brian and I thought it would be good to be with friends and up until that day, I thought it would be too. It ended up being great for Brian but not for me. Because of when the tears had come earlier in the day, I started to wonder what I would do once everyone came over. As you know, we are huggers, and I didn't know that I would be able to hug anyone without crying. I didn't want to be that person at the get together. Most likely everyone's thoughts were on you and I didn't want Friday to be sad. So, if I just sat on the couch I didn't have to hug anyone full on. My attitude wasn't the best either and I feel bad about it. But I think I am angry at you for that.

Most of my anger at you has subsided, but every once in a while it will show up and I will be pissed for a while before it subsides again. I get angry that you left us and that Nattie doesn't know who you are anymore and that Macie never will. I get angry that I will never hear your laugh or feel your hug again. I get angry that I will never hear your long winded opinions on music and movies again.

Once the anger is gone I feel very sad. I feel sad that you had to live in so much pain for so much of your life. I feel sad that I didn't get to spend more time with you or that I maybe didn't make enough time for you. I constantly wonder about how much I was actually able to help you. I think most of the time I nagged you and I even got angry because you weren't motivated to do something that Brian and I suggested. I think you probably got annoyed because we were calling you every couple of days to see if you were trying to get back on track. 

I mostly feel sad because I have not forgiven you yet. It has been a year, and I am unable at this point in time to forgive you. I think about you all the time. Sometimes it is an image of you at the tracks and how you were able to do what you did. Other times it is your smile, your sexy charm face or how boney your collar bone and shoulder were when you let me hug you tight like a hug should be.

I feel grateful that I was able to hug you. That I knew you well enough that your voice is still ingrained in my head. That when you were feeling really generous, you would let me put my hands on your always toasty warm belly. That you trusted me enough to let me into a part of your life that you were not so proud of. That you attended our wedding. That we have your speech from our wedding on tape. That you have held both of my children. That I will never view music the same again.

I hope you are happy. I hope you know you are loved. I hope you know that I miss you very much.

Love always,
Gina

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Happy Birthday Rory.

Um. I don't know what else to say.

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