A Year Gone By

Dear Rory,

It's been a year since you took your life. Thoughts of you have come more frequently as December continues to roll on. I have to admit, I kind of liked the past few months where I didn't think of you as often. They were much easier. I had such anxiety about what December was to bring that I had difficulty focusing on what was happening in the present. Though out most of the month I was able to repeat "Here and Now" to myself  when I noticed I was starting to think about how I was going to be feeling as your 32nd birthday and the anniversary of your choice came closer. But what was I suppose to do as those days came. I was stuck in the middle of them and there wasn't a way out.

I seemed to make it though the week OK. I met with a good friend for coffee, went to the doctor to see if there should be any changes to my medication since I had not noticed the effects of it all that much these past few weeks, and met with our pastor to talk out how to get through some of the pain and sadness I have been feeling. All of these things were proactive on my part and I can say that I am proud of myself for doing them. I was hoping that by talking to people I trusted in the different areas of my life I would be able to make it through yesterday with less grief and sadness. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

On the 19th, I was able to get to my classroom and most of the morning before the kids came in without crying. I now know why you didn't like the casual question "How are you doing?" I didn't want to be dishonest, but I did want to avoid the answer. It's like if you don't say "Good" people automatically start to ask more questions and pry into what is making you just feel "OK." I know they are trying to be helpful and caring, but I just didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to be a basket-case all day. When my teammate asked me how I was and I answered "Just trying to get through today." She immediately said, "This is the day, isn't it." and proceeded to give me a big hug. This is when I started crying. I pulled myself together and got on with the morning.

As the day went on, I had some fun with the kids and sent them off to recess and lunch. I spent my lunch in my classroom, eating Marshmallow Mateys, and sometime during that 30 minutes my friend Crystal came into my room to drop off a simple gift of a Harry and David Pear. I had told her about these pears and she dropped one off as a surprise for me. I found her in the lunchroom eating lunch with her oldest son and gave her a big hug for her kindness. This was the second time the tears came down. I was worried if I would be able to get them to stop this time.

On this Friday, we decided to have everyone over for cereal. Both Brian and I thought it would be good to be with friends and up until that day, I thought it would be too. It ended up being great for Brian but not for me. Because of when the tears had come earlier in the day, I started to wonder what I would do once everyone came over. As you know, we are huggers, and I didn't know that I would be able to hug anyone without crying. I didn't want to be that person at the get together. Most likely everyone's thoughts were on you and I didn't want Friday to be sad. So, if I just sat on the couch I didn't have to hug anyone full on. My attitude wasn't the best either and I feel bad about it. But I think I am angry at you for that.

Most of my anger at you has subsided, but every once in a while it will show up and I will be pissed for a while before it subsides again. I get angry that you left us and that Nattie doesn't know who you are anymore and that Macie never will. I get angry that I will never hear your laugh or feel your hug again. I get angry that I will never hear your long winded opinions on music and movies again.

Once the anger is gone I feel very sad. I feel sad that you had to live in so much pain for so much of your life. I feel sad that I didn't get to spend more time with you or that I maybe didn't make enough time for you. I constantly wonder about how much I was actually able to help you. I think most of the time I nagged you and I even got angry because you weren't motivated to do something that Brian and I suggested. I think you probably got annoyed because we were calling you every couple of days to see if you were trying to get back on track. 

I mostly feel sad because I have not forgiven you yet. It has been a year, and I am unable at this point in time to forgive you. I think about you all the time. Sometimes it is an image of you at the tracks and how you were able to do what you did. Other times it is your smile, your sexy charm face or how boney your collar bone and shoulder were when you let me hug you tight like a hug should be.

I feel grateful that I was able to hug you. That I knew you well enough that your voice is still ingrained in my head. That when you were feeling really generous, you would let me put my hands on your always toasty warm belly. That you trusted me enough to let me into a part of your life that you were not so proud of. That you attended our wedding. That we have your speech from our wedding on tape. That you have held both of my children. That I will never view music the same again.

I hope you are happy. I hope you know you are loved. I hope you know that I miss you very much.

Love always,
Gina

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Happy Birthday Rory.

Um. I don't know what else to say.

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Eight Months

DISCLAIMER: As I said in the post before this, here is my most recent letter to Rory. Please don't read if you don't want to. It may not be helpful for everyone to write letters to people who can no longer read them, but just writing them has been very theriputic for me. If you are up for it, I suggest giving it a try. I have just made the choice to share them with others. I did add "The loves and hates of Rory" if you would only like to read that at the end of the letter. I hope everyone is healing the best they can.

Dear Rory,

You've been gone for 7 months now. It seems like years some days and others it seems like I just saw you and we were chatting about something. We spread your ashes Thursday, July 24th and I was quite numb about it. We have some too. Part of me thinks taking the ashes was a good thing and another part doesn't really care. It's not you. You are gone. This is the physical piece that we are holding on to. We will put it in the ground for closure I guess.

There are days where I have to remind myself that you are dead. I have to remind myself that I will never talk to you again. Never is a hard thing to grasp. I don't know that I can. On the days that I come close to knowing what never is, I get angry. Angry at you and your disease. I get angry because I have a hard time accepting your choice. I don't know what was going on in your head, so I can't say that you should have kept trying. I don't know what I would have done if I were you.

The mother in me wants to hold you and tell you that everything will be ok and do everything in my power to help get you through your hard time. The same that I will do for my own children. I think I am mad because you didn't want any more help. You were tired of help. You were tired of not feeling "right."

I don't know what everyday life was like for you. I know that I didn't like feeling as if I had no control over my actions or own everyday habits. My depression is so much different than what yours was. My depression doesn't consist of suicidal thoughts or death in any form. I do know that I hated that Brian was worrying about me and that he felt helpless. Just him being there for me was enough and I don't think I was able to express that to him at the time.

I wonder if you would have found someone to live for if you would still be here. I wonder why me, Brian, Paul, Karen, Hannah, Mary and many others weren't those people. Then I have other thoughts of how happy I am that you wern't involved with anyone because love or no love, this action of suicide was inevitable. I thank God many days that you pushed certain people away so you wouldn't hurt them even further than you already have.

I feel that we do go on to another place when we die. I don't know if all of us go there for not. I do feel like there are certain kinds of people that don't belong there. Maybe some people deserve to suffer once they are gone. You had to suffer while you were here, so I don't think, just because you chose to end your life instead of leaving it up to some higher power, that you were not saved like you said. The kind of Creator that I believe in wouldn't let you go anywhere else.

It's hard to tell others you killed yourself. Then if they happen to ask how - the reaction is always the same. If I tell people that you're gone and that you had bi-polar disorder, again the reaction is the same. People can't help but have a certain stereotype about those going through depression. In turn, I go into defense mode and start to defend my friend who took his life just as many others defend false stereotypes. 

I don't know how to end this letter. I don't have anger. I have sadness. I don't know how to accept. But I can understand. Like before...

I love you. I miss you. And I hate that you are not here.

Yours,

Gina

 

Something extra...The Loves and Hates of Rory.

Hate

• Your disease
• Your mom
• Your love of "The Streets" music
• That you are dead
• When I am angry at you
• Your vocabulary
• The way you used to make me explain my reasoning
• That you needed to eat with backround music on

 

Love

• Your charm, wit and sarcastic undertones
• Your laugh
• Your hair
• The hilarious messages you used to leave on our machine
• The way you could never take a normal picture
• Your hugs when you were well enough to give real ones
• That you always had to remind Brian that you didn't like mint flavoring or cheese...except on pizza of course

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I Blog? Since When?!?!

Last weekend the in-law's took the girls for Saturday and Sunday like they always do for one weekend a month. We are so lucky to have family so close to watch them when we need a break. But I also have to say that you have to be open to letting others watch your kids, especially overnight. I have had many chats with acquaintances and friends who have difficulty having others watch their kids for a couple of hours let alone overnight!

Brian and I have always thought it is very important for the girls to have a special relationship with their grandparents. They are all still young and have energy to do tons with them. I also think it is important for the girls to be away from us and us them. When they come back home on Sunday from either set of grandparents house, there is always a few hours of tantrums and power struggles, but they soon subside and we are back to everyday life. If I could change anything as far as when we had kids, I would do it exactly the same. Is is stressful at times? Yes. Are we extremely blessed? Absolutely.

So what do Brian and I do on these weekends of being just a married couple without kids? Sleep. We love to sleep. I find that we do a lot of sitting around and not worrying. I think not having anything to keep us on our toes makes us tired because our brains aren't working like they usually have to! This weekend, Brian met Jeanine where we usually do and I stayed in bed. I watched T.V. and eventually fell back asleep. Brian showed up with coffee and we spent the next 2 hours talking. It was amazing. I don't remember the last time we talked like that.

We talked about Rory, the day he died, what it was like for both of us, what came after that and how we dealt with it and had a funny conversation about where we are going to put him in the yard. We acually laughed quite a bit about that because of how it sounded coming out of our mouths.

G: "We should go dig up that sprinkler head today"

B: "No, we don't have to. I have to move the corner head over because that is where we are going to put Rory."

G: "What?" (insert laughing) "That just sounded weird."

It was good for me to hear Brian relive and talk about how Dec. 19th went. So many things had to happen in the right order for that day to go the way it did. For Rory and for us.

I have started to think about him again a lot and I find that I am no longer crying. I am definately sad, but the tears don't come as easily. That being said, this is my disclaimer to the next blog I will be doing. I have recently written him another letter and for my own healing I need to get it out there. If you don't want to read it, that is completely fine. Like I said, it is for my own healing. Not to make others angry, sad or any other emotion that comes with grief.

Moving on...

We also had a lot of conversations about Natalie and Macie. We are already amazed at the little people they are becoming.

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Natalie has a lot of my stubborn characteristics which makes it hard for me to deal with her a lot of the time, but she also wants to please. She wants to be a good listener and can make anyone feel special when she wants to give them a hug. It is easy to see what kind of kid she is and doesn't hide a whole lot of her personality. What you see is what you get. She is shy at first but after about 30 min in a new situation, she is running around and playing like it was her own house. I am also amazed at her tollerace with other kids she plays with. Don't get me wrong, she is 3 and definately has her melt downs, but I have watched her try and work things out on her own instead of come crying to me. She is also a great big sister. Macie tends to wack her every once in a while, and after being stunned for the first couple seconds, she starts to laugh and makes a game out of it. I think as she continues to grow she is going to be a people pleaser and the kind of friend you want to have.

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Macie is a whole different story. But that is how it's suppose to be. I don't think we would have wanted two Natalies. Macie can be easy going but unlike Natalie, she doesn't show much personality in new situations. She is very reserved until she gets to know the people around her and this can take a while for her to get to know you. If you are lucky enough to see her with her guard down, that girl is amazing. She is funny, smart and a good listener. She also has a short temper and wants her way all the time. She is also much more physical than Natalie ever was. She has no problems hitting me, Brian or Natalie when she wants to play or when she is upset. We playfully call her Brusier, but in all reality I wouldn't be surprised if she tried out for the football team someday. I can say that I feel that there is something about her that people are going to be drawn to someday. I feel like she is going to walk to the beat of her own drum but others are going to wish they heard the same one. And heaven help the first boy who falls for her huge blue eyes. I think he will be ruined forever. 

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See, I told ya!

MVI_6120

Need I say more?

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Walk? Why?

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This child has the capability to walk. Will she? No. It is so frustrating!!! She can walk along furniture, walls, with the help of ONE finger, a pant leg or with anything she can push in front of her, but she won't do it on her own. First of all she thinks I am her horse. When I pick her up she kicks my side and points to where she wants to go. When I don't bring her or don't take her to what she was pointing at and saying "DA!" she throws a complete fit. She is Little Miss Do Everything In My Own Time and it SUCKS! We have tried making her walk. Doesn't work. She throws herself on the floor and screams like someone is pulling her arms out of the socket. The only good thing out of this situation is that she has now learned how to crawl and is pretty fast. So, not so much butt scooting now-a-days. She is a 27 pound kid and my back hurts from carrying her. WALK DAMN IT! I SWEAR IT IS EASIER THAN CRAWLING AT YOUR SIZE!
I am writing this blog to remember that she is almost 17 months and not walking. I am also hoping that in two days I can write again to tell everyone that miraculously she started to walk. We'll see what happens.

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Am I really still awake at 12:42 am?

Yes I am. I never really sleep anyways. I just rest with my eyes closed. Just think of all the things I could get done if I spent my 8 hours a night doing things around the house instead of resting!
I was finishing up on some master's stuff and decided to catch up on blogs. Way to go everyone!
I love Sarah's stamped concrete, I'm sad about Amy's impatients, I won't comment on Molly's recent entry and love the picture that Brian put up of Natalie scooping hail into a bucket.
Now get back to work you fools!

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One Year, Three Months and 4 Days

Since Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer! Yea for being cancer free!

From Left: Aunt Theresa, Mom, JULIE NELSON!!, me and Mo. We all love, and look great in pink, if I do say so myself!

http://www.kare11.com/life/community/events/racecure/cards2008/cardview.aspx?cid=6233

TJC_0045

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SOOPerman

So, it's been a while and I have been thinking of this post for pretty much that whole while. I think that means I should get it out there so it's off of my mind.
Some of you may be wondering how I am doing. The answer is...fine. If you weren't wondering, the answer is still...fine. I can say that I am not overwhelmingly happy and I'm not overwhelmingly sad either. The only emotion that seems to get a little out of control is anger. This is not to say that I am angry all the time.
Updates:
The girls are hilarious. They play so well together! Natalie is the only person who can make Macie laugh in a split second and I love hearing that giggle. This weekend was the first time I left the two of them alone in Nattie's room to play and after a while I heard Nattie close the door. I waited a while and never heard any screaming so I left it shut. Curiosity finally got the better of me and when I peeked in after a few minutes I saw one of the moments that will always stick in my head. Natalie was sitting on her bed with a book "reading" it to Macie and Macie was on the floor looking through a book too! It was great.
Natalie has an overactive imagination and this is by no means an insult. She is constantly singing, not real songs, but just whatever tune and words come out of her mouth. She also has gained already so much knowledge about what she can and can't eat. She amazes me everyday.
Macie can melt you with her eyes. Lord help the boys. But she can also shoot daggers with them. She is still so much of a puzzle to me. I definitely know when she is unhappy, but there are so many moments of the day that I wish I knew what she was thinking. She also loves to eat. She shovels food in two hands at a time and still wants more once her tray is empty. That is probably because most of her food ends up on her lap. Macie is also very much a Mama's girl. She does not like to let many people hold her. In fact, Brian and I counted five people she will reach for. Otherwise I have to rip her away from me and run out of site so that she will stay with the other person. It's ridiculous and draining for me.
Other Thoughts:
Many of you know that I haven't been quite myself. Some of you have expressed concern about my mental state because of all the craziness that has been going on in our (Brian and I) lives. I can say that no, I have not been all that great. I can say that I have found someone to talk to and I think that that has been helping. But I am constantly asking myself "When am I going to be me again!" That's all I want. I want to be mostly happy all of the time. I want to be able to handle the stresses and decisions that life gives me. I want to stop crying so much and I don't want people to worry about me. But right now, that is just not the case. Which brings me to the title of my post.
Soop came over one night for dinner just to hang out. We also wanted him and Molly to be in the same room with us because they are two of the funniest people we know, so really the dinner was mostly for selfish reasons on our part. They didn't disappoint. We spent a lot of the night laughing.
After the girls went to bed I asked how Soop had been handling Rory's death. I am almost obsessed with how others are dealing with his suicide because I am just so angry. And if people aren't angry, are they sad? How sad? When? I don't know where this curiosity is coming from and it's not my business, but I just wonder how others are dealing because I have having difficulty "dealing." I don't even refer to Rory by his name lately. When something comes up and I want to talk about him, I will usually use some form of a curse word that I can turn into a noun. Many times it's a string of words. Ask Brian, Molly or Sarah. They have all heard many combinations. I have also heard mention of people dreaming of Rory and I am jealous. I haven't dreamt about him since the week he died and I can probably tell you why...He doesn't want to hear what I have to say to him. He never liked being lectured and I'm sure that hasn't changed. Anyways, back to the story...
Super had said that he was still sad and talked about different times that he has thought about him and when the sadness will hit him. Super has had his share of grief unfortunately, and in talking, it never gets easier - but there does seem to be a process. And that process is different for everyone I think.
I talked a little about my anger and I mentioned the statement above: "I just want to know, when am I going to be me again!?!?"
To which Super's reply was, "But, do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?"  
Huh, maybe not. I had never thought about it that way before. I have been so focused on trying to get back to being the Gina that I was before the main craziness of the year happened, I didn't even realize that that may not be possible. I have to work on being a different Gina. A Gina that has to deal with a good friend who decided to commit suicide and I couldn't do jack shit about it. He made up his mind and I wasn't enough of a reason to stick around and keep trying. Neither was any of the MANY other people that cared so much about him. I have to deal with his decision and so do those other people and that sucks. It completely pisses me off. I have to be the kind of Gina that has to think about everything that my daughter eats because if I don't she is going to be in pain.
I also have to say that the person I am working towards becoming isn't better or worse than the one I was. Just different. When a piece of you is gone, you can't be the same. When life changing events happen you have to live differently, you can't be the same. It's like any other life changing event...having a baby, buying a house, getting married, etc. Those are just all happy situations (hopefully!). And I am so glad that Super pointed this out to me that night. He completely changed my perspective on the situation.
Do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?
No, I won't. And I have to be ok with that. 

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My first pair of Dr. Martens

I have never had a pair of Dr. Martens before, but when they were buy one get one 1/2 off, Molly and I both got a pair. I got brown like the ones shown and she got black. She had a pair of black Mary Jane's before and loved them, so I thought I would give it a try. They are a little hard to get used to, but I can see why they last so long. They were definately worth the money. I think I want a black pair now.

Dr. Martens

Now get off my back Molly and Sarah. I gave you something to read.

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February is a month filled with LOVE!

But not for me unfortunately.
This is an unnatural love for index cards with lots of numbers and symbols on them. Yes, you guessed it. Strato cards. I currently have three men examining these cards with so much concentration that when making snide remarks about what I did with one of the cards like: putting it down the garbage disposal, wiping Natalie's butt with it and lighting it on fire, Messer gave me a Sprecher's Root Beer just to shut me up.
Thankfully Lucas, my savior, is taking them out of my house tonight to bring them back to the Grove. Definitely a more central area for other crazies to go and drool over them some more. Sorry guys, they may be a little soggy already.

Strato

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Oh Crash, you do make speeches.

 My all time favorite movie quote is by Kevin Costner in Bull Durham after Susan Sarandon asks what his character, Crash, does believe in...

Kevin Costner

"Well I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hangin' curve ball, high fiber, good scotch. That the novels of Susan Sontage are self-indulgent overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."
I was going to have this be a tag blog, but Brian tells me that Soop already did something like this a while ago...So, Amy, if you want to go for it, you're it.

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When you gonna love you as much as I do

I don't know if I should put this out there or not. I don't know if any of you are going to want to read this right now either, but I am hoping it is going to help me. This blog has not been the most positive place in the world, but I am also hoping that as the year goes on, it will get more upbeat.

I was talking to our social worker at school who got into her field because of grief. I have talked to her a lot about Rory, and when I brought her the news about this death, she felt terrible for our entire group. I have cried a lot in her room and during one of our conversations about him, she asked if I would ever be able to write him a letter. My reply was, maybe someday, but I don't think I could do it anytime soon. After talking with Brian about it, I came to the conclusion that I should write him multiple letters. Many of you know that there are different stages of grief. I am planning on writing him a letter as I go through those different stages. Right now, I am still very angry about Rory's decision to take his life and you will see that anger in this letter. So this is your WARNING. Please do not read on if you don't want to.

Here goes...

Rory,

I can barely type your name without crying. I hate that. I haven't come to the realization that I am not going to see you ever again. My brain can't wrap around that thought. It just feels like life is busy and we haven't gotten a chance to give you a call to see when you can come over to dinner. I always made whatever you wanted. The two usuals were lasagna and enchiladas.

I don't understand the disease you had and I'm sure that is why I'm so angry. I can say to others "He's not in any pain anymore," and "We always thought this day might come," but inside I am screaming "Why couldn't you just keep on trying! We can figure this out. Brian and I are here to help you and we can get through this!" Damn it, I hate you for not wanting to keep on fighting.

I needed you to be around to teach the girls about music. I needed you to tell them "the stuff that your mom listens to is ok, but here is the really good shit." They aren't going to have that now and I hate you for that. I needed you to be around so that we could talk about Brian while he was in the room, but say the things as if he wern't. I hate that I am never going to hear you laugh that one loud "HA!" and then quieter chuckles after that.

You were such a brilliant person. Having said that you should have known that children are the best judges of character. If you were a truly awful person inside, the kids you worked with and the children of the people in the group would have seen it. I believe they can sense that. The kids loved you. That should have been how you knew you were a good person inside and out.

It breaks my heart to know that you thought about having a family like you mentioned in your letter. It almost makes me sick to my stomach that that woman will never find you and that child will never be born. You had so much to offer, even if you never truly believed your life was worth anything. I am here to tell you it was and I want you to believe me. I have never lied to you and I don't plan on starting to lie to myself now about how I feel about your suicide. I hate that you took your life. I hate how you decided to do it. I hate that it was during the late morning light and not during the early dark morning hours.

I drive across train tracks twice everyday. I drive across them on 170th, and follow them along HWY 3 into Rosemount and back home again at the end of the day. It wouldn't matter which way I go to work, I have to cross them at one time or another. I hear the trains in my classroom and at home. Nattie sometimes notices when they are going behind our house and says "Mamma! Look a train!" With tears in my eyes I say "That's right. And what does a train say?"  

I had a dream where someone rang our doorbell and when I answered it you were standing there with a huge smile on your face. It was almost as if you were saying "Gotcha!" But of course you would say something much more slang than that. From there me, you and Brian all went somewhere to talk and I got to tell you all the things I ever wanted to tell you and all the things I thought about what you did. You just sat there and listened, with no emotion what-so-ever.

I'm tired of being mad at you and I hope it goes away soon. Some days are better than others, but I am really struggling without you in this world. I want you back and I know that it's selfish, but you were selfish for taking your life. I am finding myself in my own depressed state. It has been very hard for me to motivate to get things done around the house and at school. A part of me is constantly sad. If you were here, I could ask you how to get through it. If you were here, I wouldn't have to be sad. Brian is starting to worry about me. But that's what Brian does. He takes care of the people he loves and he took care of you too. I know you know that, but you needed to TELL him that before you left us. I hate that a part of his heart is gone forever now. I know that he will heal to some extent, but he will also never be whole again. You left many people feeling that way.   

I love you and I hate that you're not around.

Gina

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Three days and counting

So in continuation to the last post, we got a call from our pediatrician on Monday saying that it looks like Natalie has Celiac Disease. We are waiting for a couple more tests, but we have already started her on a gluten free diet. She hasn't gotten sick since Saturday and since we have taken gluten out of her diet, she is starting to get that sparkle back in her eyes.
On top of finding out that news, the girls both developed a cold over the weekend, and after having low grade fevers for two nights, I decided to take today off and bring them into the doctors office. It turns out, both girls have ear infections in their right ears, and they both need to be on a nebulizer throughout the day. Natalie is needs it 2-3 times a day and Macie needs it every 4 hours until their coughs goes away.
I will say that even though everything above mentioned completely sucks, I love my kids doctors office. I'm not just talking about the pediatrician. I'm talking about Crystal who works at the front desk, LeeAnn, our pediatricians nurse, Amy, who used to be the nurse we saw and Rachel, the nurse practitioner who works at the clinic. They know the names of our girls and both Brian and I. They truly care about what is going on in our lives. An example of this is when I went in today, LeeAnn came out and told me that she was crying yesterday after hearing the news about Natalie. They care about the girls like they were their own and that means so much to us.
I also can't say enough about Maureen, Nattie and Macie's daycare lady. She treats the girls as if they were hers and as a working parent, that is exactly what I needed in a daycare provider. She wants as much information about the disease so that she can make Natalies life as normal as possible at daycare. Tonight we went to Valley Natural Food grocery store together to look for some food for Natalie.  She will also be coming with us to the nutricianist appointment we have in a few weeks. She has been such a blessing in our lives.
I am surrounded by family and friends that are so supportive and I truly appriciate everything people have done for us. Whether that be calling to find out about the girls or simply just thinking about them during the day. Your thoughts and prayers have been heard and we are so grateful. Thank you.

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Puke-O-Rama!

Nattie and Mamma

Like I said in the previous post, Natalie has been vomiting quite a bit in the past four weeks. She hasn't done it more than once in a day and until last week she barely got sick two days in a row. We couldn't figure out what it was. After she throws up she immediately wants to eat. Which made me think that it wasn't the flu. One night we were at my parents when she got sick and she barely got a breath in when she was finished and said, "I want fruit snacks Mamma!" And if I did give her anything afterwards, she could keep that down. Very strange, I know. She also was acting completely normal in between the vomiting sessions. We went to the Dr. and tried a few different things to see if she would stop. After two weeks of off and on vomiting, our pediatrician wanted some bloodwork and an Upper GI series done.

This is where being a parent sucks. Most likely Natalie will not remember any of these tests, but I will NEVER forget them. So far the hardest thing for me about being a Mom is when she has had to get blood taken or have a tube put up her nose and down her throat and she just looks at me like "Why are you letting them do this to me!" We all know that the small prick of a needle isn't really that bad, and the tube down her throat she couldn't even feel, but she's scared and screaming and I couldn't do anything to help her. In fact, having these things done to her was helping her, but how do you explain that to a 2 1/2 year old. Internal stuggles blow.
We found out that Nattie has a Grade 3 Reflux. This was suppose to explain the puking. Our Dr. put her on some medication that would help move the food through her stomach faster so that when she did reflux, she wouldn't have anything in her stomach to throw up. After 6 days on the medication, she continued to throw up. The medicine wasn't working. Crap. I knew that meant...more tests. Crap again. I would like to insert a more harsh curse word, but I want my rating to remain in the lower end of the scale. HeHe. We'll see how long that lasts.
We have made an appointment with MN Gastroenterology to see if they can figure out what is going on with my little baby's tummy. I can say that I love my pediatrician. He is being very proactive about what is going on with her and doesn't hang up on me when I am crying on the phone. On Friday the 18th, Brian and Jeanine took her back to Children's for an ultrasound and more bloodwork. I just couldn't go. One thing they are checking for is Celiac's Disease. It has to do with how her body processes gluten, if it is processing it at all. This is just one of the things that her symptoms are matching. I think our Dr. is trying to rule things out more than anything.
We should find out the results of some of the tests tomorrow. I'll let you know. Until then please keep Natalie in your prayers, like I know many of you already have been.

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2007...I'm kind of glad it's over

2007 was not the greatest year for us. I can say that we got a beautiful daughter at the start of it and that was a great way to begin. I can also say that we lost a wonderful friend, person, musician, poet, writer, and comedian at the end of it. If I had to compare it to something I think I would say we started at the top of a hill and rolled down until we crashed into a very large brick wall at the bottom.
Here we go...

• Feb. 7th, 2007 - Mom got the call from her Dr. confirming the fact that she had breast cancer. Not long after, I called her to let her know she had a third granddaughter.
• Macie was born on Feb. 7th, 2007 at 8:30pm. An hour and a half after arriving at the hospital. All's I can say is thank God for constipation!
• Feb. 18th, 2007 - My family, all except Chris (Sarah's husband), are over for dinner and Mom and Dad tell us that she was diagnosed with cancer.
• After having some more MRI's and talks with Dad and her doctors, Mom decided to have a mastectomy
• Mid-March Mom had her surgery and had a wonderful recovery.
• April - Brian and I got a 4 day weekend in San Diego thanks to Brian's work. We also started framing the basement for a bedroom and bathroom.
• May - We found out Beth was pregnant! YEAH! GOOD NEWS!
• June 28th, 2007 - I got PRK laser surgery on my eyes. I love technology.
• Beginning of July, Ida, Brian's Grandma, was in the hospital to have surgery. She had been in the hospital for most of the summer already.
• July 19th, after struggling to recover, Ida passed away.
• August started with an ear infection for Natalie. I thought for sure that we would be doing tubes by Nov. If I only knew what was to come...
• At a recheck for Natalie in the beginning of Sept. we were sent to the Children's ER for pneumonia. Her x-ray looked clean, but she still had areas of wheezing in her lungs. So, two shots of antibiotic in her thighs, and an oral antibiotic to take home, she was suppose to get better.
• Oct. 6th, 2007 - Brian takes the girls to the zoo and to his parents so that I can clean the house for Beth's shower on Sunday morning at 11:00. Brian had not been feeling all that great for a week or two and after coming home that night and looking at his throat, I convince him to go to urgent care. What we thought might have been strep throat turned out to be Mono. Did I mention that I was having family over to my house the NEXT DAY!
• Oct. 7th, 2007 - 2:30 in the morning I hear Casey messing around with something in our bedroom. After doing some investigating, his butt was bleeding. Ew. Blood streaks on the carpet and Casey in pain. Did I mention that I was having family over to my house TODAY with a dog that has an exploding butt and an infectious husband. Brian took Casey to an emergency vet early the next morning, which is not cheap, and spent the afternoon there.  
• Later in October Natalie still has wheezing and we get personal with a nebulizer.
• At Natalie's recheck a week later, Natalie sounds great but Macie is checked and we now must also use the nebulizer on her.
• Oct. 31st, 2007 - Macie develops a ver dry rash behind her ears.
• Throughout Nov. Macie's rash moves to her face, down her body and onto her arms. We go for bloodwork to see if she is allergic to anything. We also make an appointment with a Dermatologist.
• Dec. 1st, 2007 - we go to a dermatologist and find out Macie has eczema. We are told how to treat it and are also asked to participate in a study for infants with eczema. We would be compensated for the uncomfortable blood draws and the 5 weeks of check up visits, and we do not have to pay for the visits or medication.
• Dec. 3rd, 2007 - we sign Macie up for the study. She gets her blood drawn from her head. Yeah, you read that right. I really hate being a parent sometimes.
• Dec. 9th, 2007 - Rory comes over to hang out and I don't remember anything we talked about. I really wish I did.
• Dec. 15th, 2007 - Spambandits party and the last time I saw and hugged Rory.
• Dec. 19th, 2007 - 4:30 pm Brian walked into my classroom with a look and I new Rory was gone before he could even say it. Even with my mom having cancer this year, I can safely say that this day was the worst day of my life so far. I still have a lot of anger for some reason and want to write about that, but I don't quite know how to yet.
• Dec. 20th, 2007 - Brian and I go over to Paul and Karen's and continue on to Rory's appartment to do what we can to pick it up.
• Dec. 22nd, 2007 - Rory's funeral.
• Dec. 22nd, 2007 - Natalie vomits some time after dinner. This was the first time it happened and it will continue to this day, off and on, Jan. 19th, 2008.
• We made it though Christmas alright, but Natalie continued to get sick and Macie had some explosive diahrea.
• The week leading up to New Year's was the same. I wish I could say that 2008 started off better, but I can't.
  
  One of my favorite things that someone told me once, and I can't even remember who it was: You have to hit bottom so that you have something to push off of.  I am hoping that this is what 2008 is going to be like for me. We are still at the bottom and I am gasping for air from day to day. Hopefully soon we will be able to push off and have a year filled with healthy family, friends and nothing but good news.
  
  I can say that I have learned an awful lot about myself...more of that to come.
     

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And it's another girl!

Congratulations Beth and Luke!

Chloe Jean

Jan. 19, 2008

1:53 am

6 lbs. 1 oz.

19.5 in.

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In a time of tears, there's Nattie

This last week has been the worst week I have had since Brian came and told me about Rory. There is much more detail about that to come but I have to write down this story before I forget the details.
This last month has been enormously overwelming because of Rory's death and because of the girls health. Macie has had off and on diarhea and Natalie has been throwing up off and on for about three weeks now. She knows when it is going to happen and will often tell us so. It's really quite useful and we usually make it to the bathroom which really saves the carpet and furniture. Again, I will give more detail about that soon. Friday night she threw up again after being on some medication and shortly after,while bathing Macie, I lost it. I had one of those uncontrollable cries. Deep, sobs that make it hard to catch your breath.
I went to my room and Natalie followed me asking repeatedly, "Mama, what's wrong? What's wrong Mama?" in that kind of voice that is so sincear and sweet you could just melt. I picked her up on my bed and she lovingly held onto me like I was holding on to her. I think she even stroked my hair a few times.
She then asked me if I wanted to read a book. She did this because on the rare occasion she has difficulty separating from me when I drop her off at daycare, the older girls always grab a book and read with her because she loves that and it gets her mind off of me leaving. As she was going to get us a book and I was trying to get a grip, she reached up her special animal and said, "Mama, here! Here's Lamby. You can cuddle Lamby Mama. Here, you can take him."
She went and got us a book to read and half way through she asked again what was wrong. This is about how the conversation went...
Nattie: "Mama, what's wrong?"
Me: "Mama's heart hurts honey."
Nattie: "What did Macie do?" I think she asked what Macie did to me because when I started crying I was in the bathroom with Macie.
Me: "Macie didn't do anything. Mama is just sad honey. Mama's heart hurts and she's worried about your tummy. Do you know where your heart is?"
Nattie: "Yeah."
Me: "Where?" Natalie then pointed to her chest, then pointed to my chest. "That's right honey. That's where Mama hurts right now."
Nattie: "Oh. Do you need to puke?"
Seriously, there was nothing in this world that could have put a smile on my face faster.

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10 Interesting Things About Me

So I thought this was going to take a lot longer, but once I got rolling, it wasn't so bad.
Thank you Jon. Here we go...

1. I can curl my tongue into three loops. I can also twist it around both ways and if you ask Shane, I can also clean my forehead if need be after meals; just like Scooby-Doo.
   
   
   

   Scooby-doo
2. Since fourth grade I have known that I wanted to be a teacher. Since I made that decision, I have never strayed from it or doubted that teaching was what I wanted to do with my life.
3. My dad nicknamed me Gypsy Woman when I was little and it stuck. (Hence the address of the blog). Both of my sisters have nicknames as well, and still get called them from time to time, but mine is the only one that gets consistantly used by my dad and other members of the extended family. I don't know how he came up with it though. I do know that he used to change the words to "Pretty Woman" to "Gypsy Woman" and would make me cry because for some reason I hated it. 
   

   Roy Orbison
   
   
4. I love the smell of fresh cut grass, rain, and Brian's face after he shaves. I hate the smell of the Koch Refinery and the wormy smell after it rains.
5. Brian picked me up for our first date at 6:30 pm on Aug. 21, 2001 in a beautiful black convertible. I knew by the end of the date at 3:30 am on Aug. 22, 2001 that I was going to marry him.
    
   

   Beegees2
   
   
6. I am the sterotypical "guy" in my marrage, excluding emotional breakdowns and dealing with the girls.
7. I have a grey comforter that I used in college that I would rather cuddle with some nights instead of Brian. I call him Grey and Brian hates him.
8. I have been blessed with my father's metabolism, pin-head and wit, my Grandpa Snyder's stubborness, and none of my Grandma Luskey's talent for sewing and painting. I have my mother's opionions and belief that everything happens for a reason. Also, after an arguement we had when I was a teenager, she wished me three beautiful daughters. I'm two-thirds of the way there. Thanks Mom. 
   

   Nattie and Macie
   
   
9. My hair has never been longer than my chin.
10. I will drink Diet Coke warm, cold or anywhere in between. I affectionately call it "The sweet nector of life."
    

    Diet coke
    
    
    Molly this is the second time you have been tagged for this topic. You better do it.
    I also want to tag Sarah. Good Luck!

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What is this world coming to?

Yes. This is me, actually writing in my blog.

And, yes, I hate you Sarah.

I was on the phone with my sister Sarah last night discussing all of the yuck that is going on with Natalie's health right now and we started to talk about Facebook and Vox. She was so happy that I finally accepted her as a friend in Facebook. Brian made me set up that account in the first place because he thought we were going to use it to share pictures with friends and family. We then decided to go with Shutterfly instead. So since that decision, I have not logged on to Facebook. As it turns out I had a bunch of people inviting me to be their friend on that website. Who knew?

My excuse as to why I don't go to Facebook...I just don't have time. I also don't even think about checking that site when I do have a minute at school. Sarah's response to this..."You're going to be just like mom."

Mother

I love my mother. She's always there when I need her, she calms me down when I get overwhelmed, and all the other things you want your mom to be. If I turn out to be half the mom she is, I will be proud. But I also know all the things about her that annoy me. And when your sister says that you are going to turn out like her in that particular tone of voice, there is something inside of me that screams "I AM NOT!"

So Sarah, here you go. I am going to try this. Everyone please be aware that when I try anything new, it normally lasts two weeks tops. I also have an enourmous fear of other people reading what I write, but that's another blog. HA! Not to mention this wonderful techy husband of mine who does a great job bloggin' about our lives, so who knows what I will find to write about.

We'll see...

 

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