Who is tapping me on the shoulder?

A couple of weeks ago I posted about life and life changes. Well, I'm going to come clean and say that there were some things in the works when I posted that blog entry. Here we go...

About a month or so ago a friend of mine from another school in the district asked me to job share with her. At the time, it just didn't seem doable. I didn't want to leave my current school and I didn't think we could cut my paycheck in half and make life work. Two weeks ago someone from the school that I am currently working in asked me to job share out of the blue. She teaches kindergarten and was looking to go to part time. She had other options, but knowing I was pregnant with Baby #3 and job sharing herself with three kids a little while ago, she just thought she would ask. Well, she got me thinking. SERIOUSLY thinking. CRYING I was thinking so hard.

Was God tapping me on the shoulder? Slow down Gina. Think about this. I'm not going to tap again.

Brian and I made lists, budgets, talked with friends, family and daycare. We talked about what life would look like with that kind of pay cut and what would come out of me working part time. Some of it added up just fine and some of it didn't. It came down to time with the kids. Do you get that time back? No. Do I want to be a stay at home mom full time? No. Do I want to leave teaching? No.

Job sharing seems to be the best of both worlds and I am very excited to give it a try. Well, today I got word that the district approved the job share so that is the plan next year. My friend will be coming to first grade and we will be splitting weeks instead of splitting days. I will work Monday's and Tuesday's and she will work Thursday's and Friday's and we will work every other Wednesday. Overall we will each work 87 of the 174 student contact days out of the year. So I will get a four or five day weekend every week. Sweet! I will get to be home with the new baby and the girls two or three days out of the work week. Awesome! I will get to continue to teach. Great!

So, thank you for tapping.

More Bacon Than the Pan Can Handle

It's late and restless leg is getting the best of me. I first experienced restless leg when I was pregnant with Natalie and I have to say, I think it is one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever experienced. I had it with Macie as well, but it came a little earlier in the pregnancy. With this baby, it came on much earlier. Since I was on bed rest from week 11, the uncomfortable feeling in my legs came at 12 weeks. I had been hoping that the feeling would subside a little when I went back to work full time and was on my feet more, but, no such luck. Now, here I sit at 12:09 at night with my mind racing and my legs wanting to run along with it.

I am a full time working mom. It is not something I am ashamed of. I love what I do and feel that I would not be a good stay at home mom. Some women are meant to be at home with their kids. They come up with activities, sign up for classes and can keep up a routine. I have the opportunity to do this every summer and can manage a routine for a good two weeks before it all falls apart. My job is where I have structure, routine and sanity; even if it does involve twenty-one 6 year olds.

Baby #3 is what has my mind going tonight. July is the scheduled time for this child to come into our lives and I don't feel as if I will have enough time with him/her. Natalie was born in May, so I got to have the full summer to get to know her and being that I was just starting my job, I was excited to get to start work. Macie was a February baby and even though it was difficult to drop her off at daycare at 6 weeks old, I knew that summer wasn't far away and we would have time together. Baby #3's time seems to be cut short. Depending on when baby makes his/her grand entrance, week six comes right around workshop week and I am in it for the year. When do I get to know this child? Unless God has a different plan for us, Brian and I are planning on this being our last child. I don't want to miss out on anything because of work, but I don't think I can handle being a full time stay at home mom either.

It's not like there isn't options; there are. Having options means that decisions need to be made. Making decisions is going to turn our family down one path or another. There is not a "right" path. The choice is the difficult part - left or right. I continue to pray for guidance and peace of mind and know that with time, things will work themselves out.

What a Day

Today has been interesting. First of all, I want to say that I am now addicted to finding blog backgrounds. I have started this new blog and all I want to do is search for cute and fun backgrounds to apply to my blog. Please do not be surprised to see my page change weekly. I definitely have a problem. It is very similar to my addiction to scrapbooking paper. In the words of Depeche Mode, "I just can't get enough." (Yes, I had to look that up.)

At school, the highlight of my morning was when one of my first graders wrote a story about a hoop named Basket and a basketball named Ball. The problem in this story is that the net breaks. When I asked my student if the problem was going to be fixed by Basket going to see a net doctor, he looked at me like "Are you nuts?" and said "No. They are just going to glue it." Ok then.

Next, we headed up to school with Natalie for kindergarten round up. I have to say this was very weird for me. It is hard for me to be a parent in these situations. I walk in a school and my brain switches into teacher mode and I see a bunch of parents with their kids and forget that I am part of that group too. Its weird. I sat there listening to the principal talk about lots of stuff, all good information for parents to know, and didn't feel like she was talking to me. Natalie was super excited and kept asking which teacher she was going to have and which classroom was hers. We walked in all the rooms, met a couple of the teachers and where ever she ends up, she is going to love it.

Finally, more reality set in. We walked into the gym to sit down for the presentation and there are two lunch tables set up with activities for the kids. One table had crayons and color sheets, the other had a snack on it; graham crackers, pretzels, animal crackers and some frosting. Gluten, gluten and more gluten. Brian's response, "And it starts here for Natalie." Wow. My heart sank.

Most of the time I have accepted that Celiac Disease is a part of our lives. It is not as big of a deal as I once thought it would be. Natalie is an amazing kid and very responsible when it comes to what she can and cannot eat. I have thought many times about what school is going to be like for her when it comes to food. It is OUR responsibility as parents to provide for her. I do not expect the school or the teachers to work around her food needs or be responsible for providing for her. Parents who want the world changed because their child has food needs or otherwise, tend to urk me. That's right. I said URK. Is Natalie different? Yes. Am I sad that she cannot have the same foods other kids can have? Yes. Do I expect everyone to cater to her? Absolutely not. Yes, there are times when I will try my hardest to get her something that is the same as everyone else, but the reality is, she isn't like everyone else and the earlier she realizes that, the better off she will be, in my opinion. I have already witnessed her talking to some of her friends when they ask her why she has to have special foods and she is so matter of fact. She just looks at them and says, "Well, that has gluten and I can't have gluten. I have a special (donut, cookie, cracker, whatever it happens to be that day) and it won't hurt my tummy." What a kid.

The days pass and my belly gets bigger. Baby #3 is a mover and a shaker. I worry about what baby is going to do to my insides once he/she gets bigger and doesn't have as much room to do the somersaults he/she is so fond of. Time will tell.

Do I start to blog again? Or Not...

I have recently switched to this blog site because the one I was using previously was blocked at work. I also like that this blog is a google application and I use some of their apps already. The last post on the other blog was another letter to Rory. I am glad I still write them and think that it is very therapeutic for me when I am feeling very emotional about him. However, there has been a lot going on in the past six months that I would like to touch on as well. So, here goes...

September: The school year started off great and after going back and forth about having another child, Brian and I decided, why not. Unfortunately, the pregnancy didn't stick and we lost the baby at six weeks. Although this was hard, there was so much support and love surrounding me I got through that time okay. Natalie started her second year of preschool (two days a week) and, just like last year, loved school and her teacher. Macie continues to come into her own and started to talk a lot more. Molly who had been living with us for about 18 months bought her own town home and moved out. Brian and I are so proud of all of the steps she has made to move forward in her life.

October: We were told to wait, and didn't listen. October came around and I was pregnant...again. We are so blessed to not have fertility problems and everything felt different about this pregnancy. We made it to the apple orchard a couple of times and Halloween was a blast.

November: Nothing exciting. November was a boring month.

December: I started to show already and also found out that our neighbors were also going to be having a baby. We were all so excited. Got though Rory's birthday. Got through Rory's death day. The month seemed to fly by, but just in time for Christmas, Dec. 21, I started to bleed. I was 11 weeks and thought I was going to miscarry. I made it through the night without too much more bleeding and after another ultrasound it looked as if the baby was fine, but that I had a hemorrhage. We later found out that the placenta had tore away from the wall of my uterus and caused the bleed. I was put on bed rest and tried to learn what that meant. I still don't completely know.

January: I didn't return to work until I could see my Dr. and decide what was best for me and the baby. Our family, friends, neighbors and church surrounded us with support and prayers throughout the entire situation. It was amazing. I went back to work part time from the second week of January and was glad to be out of the house for part of the day. My father in law passed the winter time away by building the girls beautiful bunk beds which they absolutely love. I was also sent to a perinatologist to have a level 2 ultrasound done to check out how things were progressing with the baby. 20 weeks was the benchmark I had to make it to, so I had to continue to take it easy and just wait.

February: I had a birthday and Macie had a birthday. I can't believe she is 3. What an amazing little girl she has become. I also had my 20 week ultrasound with the perinatologist at which point he said "You healed yourself! I told you you would." And, life returned to normal...somewhat. The stress was gone and I went back to work full time. This was a very good thing. :)

March: March also came and went quickly. I was glad to be back at work full time and I think my students were glad too...I think. Now that the stress of a high risk pregnancy was gone my belly popped out more than ever and the baby was moving around like nothing was ever wrong. We continued to switch the playroom to a nursery and the name search had begun. Natalie wants a brother and Macie wants a sister, however when asked who gets to decide these things they both answer "God." Thats right little girls! Natalie has mentioned suggestions for names though: Boy: Trent, Girl: Sparkle. Thank you 4 year old.

April: April is well on its way and the baby is more active than ever. Both Brian and I thought that we would always have 3 girls, but we both get the feeling that this one is a boy. Heartrates continue to be between 150-155 bpm, but the movement just doesn't stop. Especially from 6-11pm.

All in all, we are loving life and can't wait for what the rest of the year has to bring us. I hope I can continue to find time to post on this blog. It is a way for me to journal and remember. If people read it, that's great, but really I just need a place to share and vent...whether anyone is listening or not. :)

When will the tears stop?

Dear Rory,

I'm home alone tonight and decided that this is the right moment to write you a letter. This week has been tougher than I thought it would be. I made it through most of the 15th just fine, only to break down while talking to a friend at school after the kids were gone. While talking to her, I realized it had been two years since I last saw you. The ache in my heart immediately came back. I miss you.

The rest of the week has been kind of funny in a weird way. After pulling myself together, I left school on Tuesday only to meet up with a train in Rosemount and, as if it were mocking me, the engine car stayed at my pace for 2 - 3 blocks. I could only laugh and shake my head. Fuck you, you bastard, humf. Me, Brian and the girls headed to IGH for dinner with Mom and Dad that night and on the way home I was trying to find something on the radio to listen to. I stopped on The Current only to hear Brother Ali. Really?! Brian could only giggle. Finally, yesterday while driving home, I again was flipping channels in the car, landed on The Current and what were they playing? The Streets. That band. That band that you brought to the house to listen to because, heaven forbid, we eat without music on. I hated the CD and got scolded for it. Are you just on my mind? Are these things coincidence? Do you have anything to do with it?

I'm not angry. At least I don't think I am. I am sad. I want the hole in my heart to be filled. That will never happen. I want December to come and I don't want to cry. I've found out the only way to do that is to be medicated and that's not such a bad idea. 

I can say that I don't think about you every day. To some extent, I'm glad about that. You come into my thoughts at least once a week, if not more, but not every day. Most of the time the memories are good ones. I can hear your laugh, see your charming smile and feel your warmth when you would let me give you a hug. It is now, during this time of year that the tears come. I will be glad to see them go.

Brian and I are going to have a third child. One more beautiful baby to bring into our family. You will never know that child. Natalie remembers you. Macie doesn't, but it is my memory of you holding her and interacting with her that I love. I will not have that with this child. Again, the tears come. 

Two years. Sometimes that feels like such a long time and others, not at all. How will I be feeling next year or in 5 or 10 years? Only time will tell.

I love you.

I miss you. 

Gina

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Happy Birthday Rory.

33.

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GOULASH

I think my blog is turning into a recipe site. Oh well. I love goulash because I think there is a million different ways to make it. I feel that if it is to be a true goulash it must have noodles, hamburger and ketchup. Just my opinion.

Here is my version of Goulash Hotdish.

Goulash

1 lb. Hamburger

1/2 onion (diced)

2 cloves garlic (diced)

2 cups elbow macaroni (uncooked) (We like Tinkyada GF)

2 cups water

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can black beans (rinsed and drained)

1/4 cup barbecue sauce (Sweet Baby Ray's is GF)

3/4 cup ketchup (Heinz is GF)

Lawry's Seasoning Salt

Shredded Cheese

Brown hamburger, onion and garlic in large pot. Depending on how much grease produced by the meat, you may want to drain it. I used a leaner hamburger so I didn't have to drain any of the grease. Season to taste with Lawry's Seasoning Salt. Add macaroni, water, tomatoes, black beans, katchup and barbecue sauce. Stir well, cover and let simmer until macaroni is tender. Serve in bowls and top with shredded cheese. 

Easy and only takes about 20 minutes. Also Gluten Free if you use the right kind of macaroni, ketchup and barbecue sauce. Enjoy!

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Bread? We don't need no stinking bread!

My new favorite lunch:

Butter Leaf Lettuce

Butter Leaf Lettuce

Cream Cheese

Meat (sliced turkey or ham)

American Cheese

Sliced Pickles

Schmear the cream cheese on a piece of lettuce and top with your choice of meat and cheese. We added pickles too because we love pickles in our household. Roll up and enjoy. It is so yummy!! Instead of cream cheese, I put ranch dressing on Brian's because that's how he rolls. Mo and I, however, could swim in a vat of cream cheese. I believe you could slap some onion and a piece of tomato on there as well. 

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Who loves meatloaf?

When Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, I signed up to get daily recipes from Gluten Free Club. I didn't have to sign up for the club to get the recipes, so, game on. Every once in a while they will send a recipe that uses mostly "regular" food. Yesterday they sent a meatloaf recipe that is amazing! I changed it a little, but it was still very good!

Here it is.

Italian Meatloaf

1 1/2 lbs. ground pork
3 eggs
1 cup cooked rice
1 1/2 cups grated cheddar cheese
1/2 tablespoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoons dried chopped chives

2 cloves chopped garlic (or you could add onion)
1 teaspoon dried basil + 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning
1/4 cup ketchup 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°F degrees.
    
Mix all ingredients together well in a very large bowl.
    
Press mixture into a loaf pan (the temps and times are for glass loaf pans.) Bake  for 55 minutes.

**I put the mixture into jumbo muffin tins (greased) and filled them with the meat mixture 3/4 full. Individual serving sizes are fun! They may not need to be cooked 55 min. I think I cooked mine for 45-50 min.
    
Remove from oven and pour off some fat.
    
Cover tops of meatloaves with a generous layer of ketchup.
    
Bake 15 minutes longer.
    
Cool 10 to 15 minutes before cutting loaf. 

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So you wanna make a cake...

I can't tell you when it started. I can tell you that I didn't start the cake making. This was the first year that I have made a cake for one of the girls (nieces) birthdays. Hailey wanted a Barbie cake, so I thought I thought I would step up to the plate. It was a little nerve racking, but it ended up turning out alright.

Hailey's Barbie Cake

Other cakes that have been made are the two shown here, made by Sarah, to look like my girls' favorite security item. Natalie's Lamby and Macie's blanket, or Na as she likes to call it. Sarah has also made a cake to look like a sun for Chloe's first birthday and Beth made a small rectangular cake to look like a present for Hailey's first birthday. I unfortunately don't have pictures of those off hand, but may add them later.

Natalie's Lamby Cake

Macie's Blanket Cake

As you can tell, marshmallows is one of our favorite decorating tools! What next?

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Happy Birthday Baby!!!!

Nattie B-Day

I'm 4!

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Unforgettable

Dear Rory,

I feel like I am forgetting you. I walk by your picture everyday in the hallway and try to look at it deliberately. Some days I smile and others I have to force myself to look. I don't feel like I am trying to push your memory away but every time I see something that reminds me of you, a picture, a song, your letter in the bottom of my drawer I find myself quickly turning away. I wish I wouldn't.

When listening to new music on the radio I am constantly thinking of you. Wondering if you would like the new stuff that is out right now. Wondering what kind of music you would come across that I would absolutely hate. Wonder, wonder, wonder and never get an answer. It's very frustrating for me.

For a long time now I haven't even minded seeing or hearing trains, but I think that too is coming full circle. When I see them, I see you. My mind doesn't get graphic, but the end result is always the same. 

I haven't cried for you in a long time either but as I continue to write you this letter, it seems that that too is coming full circle. I have a physical pain and tightening in my chest as I think about you. A huge portion of my anger is gone. What I am feeling now is a tremendous amount of sadness for you and me. You are no longer suffering but I am no longer able to see and talk to you in the way that I want to. 

I still think that you didn't have to commit suicide to end your suffering. My depression is so much less than yours. I still cannot fathom what you went through everyday in your head. I think I am a hopeless optimist. Where there is love there can be a solution. I am devastated that this wasn't the case for you.

I will forever love you and miss you.

Gina.

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How do you like your cheese?

My conversation in the car with Natalie tonight was about farm animals. Two weeks ago farm animals was the theme at preschool. Her first statement was:
Natalie: "Mom, did you know that cows make milk?"
Me: "Yep, I do. Do you think brown cows make chocolate milk?
Natalie in a very confused voice: "I think they do..."
The conversation continued onto many other farm animals, including horses. I told her that along with pulling carriages and horse back rides, they also make glue. That one flew over her head. Our conversation ended with goats.
Me: "Did you know that goats make milk too?"
Natalie: "They do?"
Me: "Yep. Some people drink goat's milk, but we usually drink milk from cows."
Natalie: "Yeah, I like milk from cows."
Me: "But goat cheese is good. I really like goat cheese."
Natalie: "Oh. I just like my cheese plain."
REALLY! Really. Good Lord. I thought Brian was going to pee his-self.

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Using only one word

Where is your cell phone?  purse

 Your significant other?  26

 Your hair?  long

 Your mother?  worrying

 Your father?  sleeping

 Your favorite things?  naps

 Your dream last night? weird

 Your favorite drink?  diet

 Your dream/goal? calmness

 What room are you in?  living

 Your hobby?  scrappin'

 Your fear?  death

 Where do you want to be in 6 years?  Farmington

 Where were you last night?  couch

 Something that you aren't? tactful

 Muffins?  orange

 Wish list item?  baby

 Last thing you did?  read

 Your pets?  stinky

 Friends?  uh-huh

 Your life?  hectic

 Your mood?  tired

 Missing someone?  Rory

 Drinking?  nope

 Smoking?  yucky

 Your car?  Bullet

 Something you're not wearing?  bra

 Your favorite store?  1/2 price

 Your favorite color?  green

 When is the last time you cried?  Saturday

 Where do you go to over and over? work

 Five people who email me regularly? family

 My favorite place to eat?  Changs

Give it a try! It was fun to sit here and do.

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Who are these children and why are they calling me Mom?

So we were in the entry way getting ready to go to daycare and I told Nattie that her snack schedule for her preschool teacher was in her backpack. This is how the conversation went.
Me: Nattie give this to your teacher when you get to school. Your shoes will be in here too.
Nattie: I have school today?
Me: Yep.
Nattie: Oh, Snap!
I am not joking. This was unprovoked. She actually said that. I asked her where she heard it and she just shrugged her shoulders.
Seriously. Who's kid is this?

Also, does this picture worry anyone besides me?

Cowgirl Macie

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Facebook Note, Blog, Same Diff

So Mo and I were thinking of all the AWESOME (yet not really) movies we could watch over and over as kids. So I made a list of 15 movies and if you want please go ahead and make your own list. We had quite a chuckle over what we used to watch obsessively as children.

p.s. I watched Disney the most as a kid, but that would be a somewhat boring and predictable list, so I put the one that I remember watching the most.

  
1. Girls Just Want to Have Fun
2. Flight of the Navigator
3. Troop Beverly Hills
4. Over the Top (don't ask)
5. Never Ending Story
6. Chipmunk Adventure
7. Calamity Jane
8. Project X
9. Sound of Music
10. Annie
11. Short Circut (Numba' 5 is Alive!)
12. Footloose
13. Toby Tyler
14. Lady Hawk
15. Mary Poppins

I am also going to add in my sister's 15 because she remembered a BUNCH of good ones that I forgot. Way to go Sista' Memory!

1. She's out of Control
2. Grease (mom always fast forward through a couple select parts)
3. Hallmark Hall of fame ~ The Secret Garden
4. White Christmas (over and over again as soon as the snow fell)
5. Maid to Order
6. Mannequin
7. Back to the Beach (super cheesy!)
8. The boy who could fly
9. The Great Muppet Caper
10. The Princess Bride
11. Singing in the rain
12. Eddie and the Cruisers
13. The Muppets take Manhattan (we loved the end scene!)
14. The Wizard of Oz
15. The Sword and the Stone

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You Go Girl!

As I was sitting on the couch one Wednesday evening, Molly calls me to the computer to see something on the interweb. When I got to the laptop, this is what I saw. Please click and enjoy you germ-a-phobes!

www.go-girl.com

I won't even tell you what I thought it was for considering I was watching the demo and not reading the discriptions.

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I Just Can't Get Enough

On Feb. 16th 2009 I got my second tattoo. I have always wanted tattoos but I didn't expect to be as addicted as I already am. I am not saying that I am willing to spend thousands on body art or put them in places for all to see, but I do love them.

At one point last year I was looking at the "Winter" Tattoo I got in rememberace of Rory and I thought, "I have chosen to remember someone I cared about by permanently changing a part of my body, but I have nothing to symbolize the one person in my life who makes me whole. That's stupid."

So, yesterday Brian and I went to Cossettas and had cheese pizza and an IBC Root Beer and went to Saint Sabrina's to get my second tattoo. I love it and I am already thinking of what I want next. I mean, I have a whole other hip!

26 Tattoo

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25 Random Things

A facebook note turned blog.
1. Peas are my favorite vegetable.
2. I have known that I wanted to be a teacher since the 4th Grade.
3. I have never grown my hair out past my chin.
4. No one else in my immediate family has blue eyes, but luckily my girls did.
5. I love the sun! I'm like a cat. Where ever the sun is in my house, I will find it and lay in it for as long as possible.
6. I love to take naps. 2 hour ones if possible.
7. I have zero cavities in my teeth.
8. I have a Gene Simmons tongue and can curl it three times.
9. I love being pregnant.
10. I never thought I would own a minivan, and yet the silver bullet sits in the garage.
11. I'm convinced that if Brian and I were to have another child it would be a girl because my Mom said so when I was   a teenager...and I have no problems with that.
12. I eat peanut butter on a spoon like a lollipop. YUM!
13. Marshmallows are one of my favorite things to snack on.
14. After getting my first tattoo, I can't wait to get more. I am addicted.
15. I had my eyes lasered two summers ago and it was the best money we ever spent...according to me.
16. After hating pajamas for most of my adult life, I now think they are some of the greatest things on this earth. Brian will tell you differently.
17. Growing up I always sang backup to my sisters in the car. No one told me to, I just started noticing the other sounds/voices in the music we would listen to.
18. My dad nicknamed me Gypsy Woman and it stuck.
19. Sometime in my life I would like to visit Australia and Italy.
20. I am always watching two TV shows at a time. I hate commercials.
21. My favorite color has been green for as long as I can remember.
22. I could eat a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting if I wanted to.
23. I hate scary movies but will always watch vampire movies.
24. I hate making beds and cleaning bathrooms.
25. I am a picker. From pimples to peeling skin, I can't help myself. Ew, I know.

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The Bastard Broke My Heart

You would think with a husband as with it as mine is with baseball, the least he could do is keep me updated on when my boyfriend, Justin Morneau, gets married. (Brian had to help me spell that because Canadians have crazy French names and Brian is a know it all.)  But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I had to hear it on KQ this morning. Let me tell you, I heard my heart breaking, then I went into school to let my husband know that he is slipping in his old age. Arg. Damn you Justin. However, just cause you're married doesn't mean that I will stop watching your fine ass cover first base. Bastard.

Broken heart

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Even Jesus Hates the Yankees

Jesus

So this blog is not about baseball but it is about our church.
On Dec. 30th I got a call from our pastor asking me to speak at church one Sunday during the month of January. But first of all, lets back up.
After the shit storm of 2007, I decided that I needed a place to go so that I could start to piece things together about why things happened the way they did over those few months. Church was the answer for me. It was no surprise that since I was brought up in a catholic family, I turned to God for answers. I just always disliked what the church had become; old, boring, scary and handing out guilt left and right.
So in March of last year we started to go to a mission church called Light of the World (LOTW) headed by a small but extremely charismatic female pastor. I connected with her right away. We have shared lots of great conversation over coffee and I have started to work out my personal beliefs and ideas about religion as well.
So, the 30th comes around and Pastor Deb calls me up and asks if I would be willing to share my story about how the community of the church has helped me and/or what it has meant to me since we started attending LOTW. I said yes and here is what I came up with. I just thought I would throw it out there so that I don't forget that I did it.
-------------------------------
I was brought up in a catholic family. My parents weren’t as strict as my grandparents were about religion, but we went to church every Sunday, no matter what. Church for me was a waste of an hour. I barely understood why I was there and what I did get out of it, I was scared of.
So, as I grew up I knew that church was important, but I had no desire to go. Once Brian and I had kids it seemed to become more urgent to find a church to bring the girls to, but whenever we went, I felt like we were more of a nuisance to the people around us, even though that probably wasn’t the case.
We stopped going and decided that we would find a church when the time was right, whenever that was.
Then the fall of 2007 Natalie couldn’t seem to stay healthy. One of our closest friends, who suffered from bi-polar disorder, took his life in December and Natalie’s illness increased. As we were grieving for our friend and going through testing with Natalie, I started to break down. Natalie was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which is an intolerance to gluten, and our lives got flipped. Our way of shopping and eating completely changed. I missed my friend, I was hurting for my daughter and I couldn’t keep up with teaching my first graders let alone be a good wife and a mother to Brian, Natalie and Macie.
A couple of weeks ago, Pastor Deb talked about Jesus looking for us when we are at our worst. Well, that’s when I decided that I needed him. Badly.
We took our baptism class for Macie with Pastor Deb at Shepherd of the Valley and we both really liked her right away. At that time she told us that she was starting a new church, how that came about and that it was going to be located in the Farmington area. In March of 2008, we attended LOTW for the first time and I immediately felt at home.
The more we attended, the more I felt whole. For the first time in my adult life, I wanted to belong to a community. I want to participate, join in, and give because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. The community has given so much to me in return as well. Finding people who have gone through similar situations or even just being a sincere ear to listen when I need to vent.
I am very lucky to have always had great family and friends that have supported me throughout my life.  I always thought that would be enough for me. As it turns out, it wasn’t. Now through LOTW, the spiritual part of my being is also being taken care of. I have this wonderful community that surrounds me and my family when things are going well and when they take an unexpected turn.
Natalie is doing great now and she even gets her own special cracker at communion.  If you didn’t know already, that’s us holding up the line each week.
I love that my girls can’t wait for Sunday to come so they can go to church to listen to the great music and run around with the other kids. I love that I don’t feel as if we are bothering anyone when they need to get up and run around the table because all I have to do is look next to me and most likely another little one is feeling the same way.
I am so excited for this church to grow, I am thrilled for with the future holds for this community, and it means a lot to me that I am going to be able to be a part of it.

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A Year Gone By

Dear Rory,

It's been a year since you took your life. Thoughts of you have come more frequently as December continues to roll on. I have to admit, I kind of liked the past few months where I didn't think of you as often. They were much easier. I had such anxiety about what December was to bring that I had difficulty focusing on what was happening in the present. Though out most of the month I was able to repeat "Here and Now" to myself  when I noticed I was starting to think about how I was going to be feeling as your 32nd birthday and the anniversary of your choice came closer. But what was I suppose to do as those days came. I was stuck in the middle of them and there wasn't a way out.

I seemed to make it though the week OK. I met with a good friend for coffee, went to the doctor to see if there should be any changes to my medication since I had not noticed the effects of it all that much these past few weeks, and met with our pastor to talk out how to get through some of the pain and sadness I have been feeling. All of these things were proactive on my part and I can say that I am proud of myself for doing them. I was hoping that by talking to people I trusted in the different areas of my life I would be able to make it through yesterday with less grief and sadness. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

On the 19th, I was able to get to my classroom and most of the morning before the kids came in without crying. I now know why you didn't like the casual question "How are you doing?" I didn't want to be dishonest, but I did want to avoid the answer. It's like if you don't say "Good" people automatically start to ask more questions and pry into what is making you just feel "OK." I know they are trying to be helpful and caring, but I just didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to be a basket-case all day. When my teammate asked me how I was and I answered "Just trying to get through today." She immediately said, "This is the day, isn't it." and proceeded to give me a big hug. This is when I started crying. I pulled myself together and got on with the morning.

As the day went on, I had some fun with the kids and sent them off to recess and lunch. I spent my lunch in my classroom, eating Marshmallow Mateys, and sometime during that 30 minutes my friend Crystal came into my room to drop off a simple gift of a Harry and David Pear. I had told her about these pears and she dropped one off as a surprise for me. I found her in the lunchroom eating lunch with her oldest son and gave her a big hug for her kindness. This was the second time the tears came down. I was worried if I would be able to get them to stop this time.

On this Friday, we decided to have everyone over for cereal. Both Brian and I thought it would be good to be with friends and up until that day, I thought it would be too. It ended up being great for Brian but not for me. Because of when the tears had come earlier in the day, I started to wonder what I would do once everyone came over. As you know, we are huggers, and I didn't know that I would be able to hug anyone without crying. I didn't want to be that person at the get together. Most likely everyone's thoughts were on you and I didn't want Friday to be sad. So, if I just sat on the couch I didn't have to hug anyone full on. My attitude wasn't the best either and I feel bad about it. But I think I am angry at you for that.

Most of my anger at you has subsided, but every once in a while it will show up and I will be pissed for a while before it subsides again. I get angry that you left us and that Nattie doesn't know who you are anymore and that Macie never will. I get angry that I will never hear your laugh or feel your hug again. I get angry that I will never hear your long winded opinions on music and movies again.

Once the anger is gone I feel very sad. I feel sad that you had to live in so much pain for so much of your life. I feel sad that I didn't get to spend more time with you or that I maybe didn't make enough time for you. I constantly wonder about how much I was actually able to help you. I think most of the time I nagged you and I even got angry because you weren't motivated to do something that Brian and I suggested. I think you probably got annoyed because we were calling you every couple of days to see if you were trying to get back on track. 

I mostly feel sad because I have not forgiven you yet. It has been a year, and I am unable at this point in time to forgive you. I think about you all the time. Sometimes it is an image of you at the tracks and how you were able to do what you did. Other times it is your smile, your sexy charm face or how boney your collar bone and shoulder were when you let me hug you tight like a hug should be.

I feel grateful that I was able to hug you. That I knew you well enough that your voice is still ingrained in my head. That when you were feeling really generous, you would let me put my hands on your always toasty warm belly. That you trusted me enough to let me into a part of your life that you were not so proud of. That you attended our wedding. That we have your speech from our wedding on tape. That you have held both of my children. That I will never view music the same again.

I hope you are happy. I hope you know you are loved. I hope you know that I miss you very much.

Love always,
Gina

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Happy Birthday Rory.

Um. I don't know what else to say.

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Eight Months

DISCLAIMER: As I said in the post before this, here is my most recent letter to Rory. Please don't read if you don't want to. It may not be helpful for everyone to write letters to people who can no longer read them, but just writing them has been very theriputic for me. If you are up for it, I suggest giving it a try. I have just made the choice to share them with others. I did add "The loves and hates of Rory" if you would only like to read that at the end of the letter. I hope everyone is healing the best they can.

Dear Rory,

You've been gone for 7 months now. It seems like years some days and others it seems like I just saw you and we were chatting about something. We spread your ashes Thursday, July 24th and I was quite numb about it. We have some too. Part of me thinks taking the ashes was a good thing and another part doesn't really care. It's not you. You are gone. This is the physical piece that we are holding on to. We will put it in the ground for closure I guess.

There are days where I have to remind myself that you are dead. I have to remind myself that I will never talk to you again. Never is a hard thing to grasp. I don't know that I can. On the days that I come close to knowing what never is, I get angry. Angry at you and your disease. I get angry because I have a hard time accepting your choice. I don't know what was going on in your head, so I can't say that you should have kept trying. I don't know what I would have done if I were you.

The mother in me wants to hold you and tell you that everything will be ok and do everything in my power to help get you through your hard time. The same that I will do for my own children. I think I am mad because you didn't want any more help. You were tired of help. You were tired of not feeling "right."

I don't know what everyday life was like for you. I know that I didn't like feeling as if I had no control over my actions or own everyday habits. My depression is so much different than what yours was. My depression doesn't consist of suicidal thoughts or death in any form. I do know that I hated that Brian was worrying about me and that he felt helpless. Just him being there for me was enough and I don't think I was able to express that to him at the time.

I wonder if you would have found someone to live for if you would still be here. I wonder why me, Brian, Paul, Karen, Hannah, Mary and many others weren't those people. Then I have other thoughts of how happy I am that you wern't involved with anyone because love or no love, this action of suicide was inevitable. I thank God many days that you pushed certain people away so you wouldn't hurt them even further than you already have.

I feel that we do go on to another place when we die. I don't know if all of us go there for not. I do feel like there are certain kinds of people that don't belong there. Maybe some people deserve to suffer once they are gone. You had to suffer while you were here, so I don't think, just because you chose to end your life instead of leaving it up to some higher power, that you were not saved like you said. The kind of Creator that I believe in wouldn't let you go anywhere else.

It's hard to tell others you killed yourself. Then if they happen to ask how - the reaction is always the same. If I tell people that you're gone and that you had bi-polar disorder, again the reaction is the same. People can't help but have a certain stereotype about those going through depression. In turn, I go into defense mode and start to defend my friend who took his life just as many others defend false stereotypes. 

I don't know how to end this letter. I don't have anger. I have sadness. I don't know how to accept. But I can understand. Like before...

I love you. I miss you. And I hate that you are not here.

Yours,

Gina

 

Something extra...The Loves and Hates of Rory.

Hate

• Your disease
• Your mom
• Your love of "The Streets" music
• That you are dead
• When I am angry at you
• Your vocabulary
• The way you used to make me explain my reasoning
• That you needed to eat with backround music on

 

Love

• Your charm, wit and sarcastic undertones
• Your laugh
• Your hair
• The hilarious messages you used to leave on our machine
• The way you could never take a normal picture
• Your hugs when you were well enough to give real ones
• That you always had to remind Brian that you didn't like mint flavoring or cheese...except on pizza of course

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I Blog? Since When?!?!

Last weekend the in-law's took the girls for Saturday and Sunday like they always do for one weekend a month. We are so lucky to have family so close to watch them when we need a break. But I also have to say that you have to be open to letting others watch your kids, especially overnight. I have had many chats with acquaintances and friends who have difficulty having others watch their kids for a couple of hours let alone overnight!

Brian and I have always thought it is very important for the girls to have a special relationship with their grandparents. They are all still young and have energy to do tons with them. I also think it is important for the girls to be away from us and us them. When they come back home on Sunday from either set of grandparents house, there is always a few hours of tantrums and power struggles, but they soon subside and we are back to everyday life. If I could change anything as far as when we had kids, I would do it exactly the same. Is is stressful at times? Yes. Are we extremely blessed? Absolutely.

So what do Brian and I do on these weekends of being just a married couple without kids? Sleep. We love to sleep. I find that we do a lot of sitting around and not worrying. I think not having anything to keep us on our toes makes us tired because our brains aren't working like they usually have to! This weekend, Brian met Jeanine where we usually do and I stayed in bed. I watched T.V. and eventually fell back asleep. Brian showed up with coffee and we spent the next 2 hours talking. It was amazing. I don't remember the last time we talked like that.

We talked about Rory, the day he died, what it was like for both of us, what came after that and how we dealt with it and had a funny conversation about where we are going to put him in the yard. We acually laughed quite a bit about that because of how it sounded coming out of our mouths.

G: "We should go dig up that sprinkler head today"

B: "No, we don't have to. I have to move the corner head over because that is where we are going to put Rory."

G: "What?" (insert laughing) "That just sounded weird."

It was good for me to hear Brian relive and talk about how Dec. 19th went. So many things had to happen in the right order for that day to go the way it did. For Rory and for us.

I have started to think about him again a lot and I find that I am no longer crying. I am definately sad, but the tears don't come as easily. That being said, this is my disclaimer to the next blog I will be doing. I have recently written him another letter and for my own healing I need to get it out there. If you don't want to read it, that is completely fine. Like I said, it is for my own healing. Not to make others angry, sad or any other emotion that comes with grief.

Moving on...

We also had a lot of conversations about Natalie and Macie. We are already amazed at the little people they are becoming.

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Natalie has a lot of my stubborn characteristics which makes it hard for me to deal with her a lot of the time, but she also wants to please. She wants to be a good listener and can make anyone feel special when she wants to give them a hug. It is easy to see what kind of kid she is and doesn't hide a whole lot of her personality. What you see is what you get. She is shy at first but after about 30 min in a new situation, she is running around and playing like it was her own house. I am also amazed at her tollerace with other kids she plays with. Don't get me wrong, she is 3 and definately has her melt downs, but I have watched her try and work things out on her own instead of come crying to me. She is also a great big sister. Macie tends to wack her every once in a while, and after being stunned for the first couple seconds, she starts to laugh and makes a game out of it. I think as she continues to grow she is going to be a people pleaser and the kind of friend you want to have.

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Macie is a whole different story. But that is how it's suppose to be. I don't think we would have wanted two Natalies. Macie can be easy going but unlike Natalie, she doesn't show much personality in new situations. She is very reserved until she gets to know the people around her and this can take a while for her to get to know you. If you are lucky enough to see her with her guard down, that girl is amazing. She is funny, smart and a good listener. She also has a short temper and wants her way all the time. She is also much more physical than Natalie ever was. She has no problems hitting me, Brian or Natalie when she wants to play or when she is upset. We playfully call her Brusier, but in all reality I wouldn't be surprised if she tried out for the football team someday. I can say that I feel that there is something about her that people are going to be drawn to someday. I feel like she is going to walk to the beat of her own drum but others are going to wish they heard the same one. And heaven help the first boy who falls for her huge blue eyes. I think he will be ruined forever. 

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See, I told ya!

MVI_6120

Need I say more?

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Walk? Why?

IMG_5985

This child has the capability to walk. Will she? No. It is so frustrating!!! She can walk along furniture, walls, with the help of ONE finger, a pant leg or with anything she can push in front of her, but she won't do it on her own. First of all she thinks I am her horse. When I pick her up she kicks my side and points to where she wants to go. When I don't bring her or don't take her to what she was pointing at and saying "DA!" she throws a complete fit. She is Little Miss Do Everything In My Own Time and it SUCKS! We have tried making her walk. Doesn't work. She throws herself on the floor and screams like someone is pulling her arms out of the socket. The only good thing out of this situation is that she has now learned how to crawl and is pretty fast. So, not so much butt scooting now-a-days. She is a 27 pound kid and my back hurts from carrying her. WALK DAMN IT! I SWEAR IT IS EASIER THAN CRAWLING AT YOUR SIZE!
I am writing this blog to remember that she is almost 17 months and not walking. I am also hoping that in two days I can write again to tell everyone that miraculously she started to walk. We'll see what happens.

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Am I really still awake at 12:42 am?

Yes I am. I never really sleep anyways. I just rest with my eyes closed. Just think of all the things I could get done if I spent my 8 hours a night doing things around the house instead of resting!
I was finishing up on some master's stuff and decided to catch up on blogs. Way to go everyone!
I love Sarah's stamped concrete, I'm sad about Amy's impatients, I won't comment on Molly's recent entry and love the picture that Brian put up of Natalie scooping hail into a bucket.
Now get back to work you fools!

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One Year, Three Months and 4 Days

Since Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer! Yea for being cancer free!

From Left: Aunt Theresa, Mom, JULIE NELSON!!, me and Mo. We all love, and look great in pink, if I do say so myself!

http://www.kare11.com/life/community/events/racecure/cards2008/cardview.aspx?cid=6233

TJC_0045

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SOOPerman

So, it's been a while and I have been thinking of this post for pretty much that whole while. I think that means I should get it out there so it's off of my mind.
Some of you may be wondering how I am doing. The answer is...fine. If you weren't wondering, the answer is still...fine. I can say that I am not overwhelmingly happy and I'm not overwhelmingly sad either. The only emotion that seems to get a little out of control is anger. This is not to say that I am angry all the time.
Updates:
The girls are hilarious. They play so well together! Natalie is the only person who can make Macie laugh in a split second and I love hearing that giggle. This weekend was the first time I left the two of them alone in Nattie's room to play and after a while I heard Nattie close the door. I waited a while and never heard any screaming so I left it shut. Curiosity finally got the better of me and when I peeked in after a few minutes I saw one of the moments that will always stick in my head. Natalie was sitting on her bed with a book "reading" it to Macie and Macie was on the floor looking through a book too! It was great.
Natalie has an overactive imagination and this is by no means an insult. She is constantly singing, not real songs, but just whatever tune and words come out of her mouth. She also has gained already so much knowledge about what she can and can't eat. She amazes me everyday.
Macie can melt you with her eyes. Lord help the boys. But she can also shoot daggers with them. She is still so much of a puzzle to me. I definitely know when she is unhappy, but there are so many moments of the day that I wish I knew what she was thinking. She also loves to eat. She shovels food in two hands at a time and still wants more once her tray is empty. That is probably because most of her food ends up on her lap. Macie is also very much a Mama's girl. She does not like to let many people hold her. In fact, Brian and I counted five people she will reach for. Otherwise I have to rip her away from me and run out of site so that she will stay with the other person. It's ridiculous and draining for me.
Other Thoughts:
Many of you know that I haven't been quite myself. Some of you have expressed concern about my mental state because of all the craziness that has been going on in our (Brian and I) lives. I can say that no, I have not been all that great. I can say that I have found someone to talk to and I think that that has been helping. But I am constantly asking myself "When am I going to be me again!" That's all I want. I want to be mostly happy all of the time. I want to be able to handle the stresses and decisions that life gives me. I want to stop crying so much and I don't want people to worry about me. But right now, that is just not the case. Which brings me to the title of my post.
Soop came over one night for dinner just to hang out. We also wanted him and Molly to be in the same room with us because they are two of the funniest people we know, so really the dinner was mostly for selfish reasons on our part. They didn't disappoint. We spent a lot of the night laughing.
After the girls went to bed I asked how Soop had been handling Rory's death. I am almost obsessed with how others are dealing with his suicide because I am just so angry. And if people aren't angry, are they sad? How sad? When? I don't know where this curiosity is coming from and it's not my business, but I just wonder how others are dealing because I have having difficulty "dealing." I don't even refer to Rory by his name lately. When something comes up and I want to talk about him, I will usually use some form of a curse word that I can turn into a noun. Many times it's a string of words. Ask Brian, Molly or Sarah. They have all heard many combinations. I have also heard mention of people dreaming of Rory and I am jealous. I haven't dreamt about him since the week he died and I can probably tell you why...He doesn't want to hear what I have to say to him. He never liked being lectured and I'm sure that hasn't changed. Anyways, back to the story...
Super had said that he was still sad and talked about different times that he has thought about him and when the sadness will hit him. Super has had his share of grief unfortunately, and in talking, it never gets easier - but there does seem to be a process. And that process is different for everyone I think.
I talked a little about my anger and I mentioned the statement above: "I just want to know, when am I going to be me again!?!?"
To which Super's reply was, "But, do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?"  
Huh, maybe not. I had never thought about it that way before. I have been so focused on trying to get back to being the Gina that I was before the main craziness of the year happened, I didn't even realize that that may not be possible. I have to work on being a different Gina. A Gina that has to deal with a good friend who decided to commit suicide and I couldn't do jack shit about it. He made up his mind and I wasn't enough of a reason to stick around and keep trying. Neither was any of the MANY other people that cared so much about him. I have to deal with his decision and so do those other people and that sucks. It completely pisses me off. I have to be the kind of Gina that has to think about everything that my daughter eats because if I don't she is going to be in pain.
I also have to say that the person I am working towards becoming isn't better or worse than the one I was. Just different. When a piece of you is gone, you can't be the same. When life changing events happen you have to live differently, you can't be the same. It's like any other life changing event...having a baby, buying a house, getting married, etc. Those are just all happy situations (hopefully!). And I am so glad that Super pointed this out to me that night. He completely changed my perspective on the situation.
Do you ever think you will be able to be that person again?
No, I won't. And I have to be ok with that. 

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My first pair of Dr. Martens

I have never had a pair of Dr. Martens before, but when they were buy one get one 1/2 off, Molly and I both got a pair. I got brown like the ones shown and she got black. She had a pair of black Mary Jane's before and loved them, so I thought I would give it a try. They are a little hard to get used to, but I can see why they last so long. They were definately worth the money. I think I want a black pair now.

Dr. Martens

Now get off my back Molly and Sarah. I gave you something to read.

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