When you gonna love you as much as I do

I don't know if I should put this out there or not. I don't know if any of you are going to want to read this right now either, but I am hoping it is going to help me. This blog has not been the most positive place in the world, but I am also hoping that as the year goes on, it will get more upbeat.

I was talking to our social worker at school who got into her field because of grief. I have talked to her a lot about Rory, and when I brought her the news about this death, she felt terrible for our entire group. I have cried a lot in her room and during one of our conversations about him, she asked if I would ever be able to write him a letter. My reply was, maybe someday, but I don't think I could do it anytime soon. After talking with Brian about it, I came to the conclusion that I should write him multiple letters. Many of you know that there are different stages of grief. I am planning on writing him a letter as I go through those different stages. Right now, I am still very angry about Rory's decision to take his life and you will see that anger in this letter. So this is your WARNING. Please do not read on if you don't want to.

Here goes...

Rory,

I can barely type your name without crying. I hate that. I haven't come to the realization that I am not going to see you ever again. My brain can't wrap around that thought. It just feels like life is busy and we haven't gotten a chance to give you a call to see when you can come over to dinner. I always made whatever you wanted. The two usuals were lasagna and enchiladas.

I don't understand the disease you had and I'm sure that is why I'm so angry. I can say to others "He's not in any pain anymore," and "We always thought this day might come," but inside I am screaming "Why couldn't you just keep on trying! We can figure this out. Brian and I are here to help you and we can get through this!" Damn it, I hate you for not wanting to keep on fighting.

I needed you to be around to teach the girls about music. I needed you to tell them "the stuff that your mom listens to is ok, but here is the really good shit." They aren't going to have that now and I hate you for that. I needed you to be around so that we could talk about Brian while he was in the room, but say the things as if he wern't. I hate that I am never going to hear you laugh that one loud "HA!" and then quieter chuckles after that.

You were such a brilliant person. Having said that you should have known that children are the best judges of character. If you were a truly awful person inside, the kids you worked with and the children of the people in the group would have seen it. I believe they can sense that. The kids loved you. That should have been how you knew you were a good person inside and out.

It breaks my heart to know that you thought about having a family like you mentioned in your letter. It almost makes me sick to my stomach that that woman will never find you and that child will never be born. You had so much to offer, even if you never truly believed your life was worth anything. I am here to tell you it was and I want you to believe me. I have never lied to you and I don't plan on starting to lie to myself now about how I feel about your suicide. I hate that you took your life. I hate how you decided to do it. I hate that it was during the late morning light and not during the early dark morning hours.

I drive across train tracks twice everyday. I drive across them on 170th, and follow them along HWY 3 into Rosemount and back home again at the end of the day. It wouldn't matter which way I go to work, I have to cross them at one time or another. I hear the trains in my classroom and at home. Nattie sometimes notices when they are going behind our house and says "Mamma! Look a train!" With tears in my eyes I say "That's right. And what does a train say?"  

I had a dream where someone rang our doorbell and when I answered it you were standing there with a huge smile on your face. It was almost as if you were saying "Gotcha!" But of course you would say something much more slang than that. From there me, you and Brian all went somewhere to talk and I got to tell you all the things I ever wanted to tell you and all the things I thought about what you did. You just sat there and listened, with no emotion what-so-ever.

I'm tired of being mad at you and I hope it goes away soon. Some days are better than others, but I am really struggling without you in this world. I want you back and I know that it's selfish, but you were selfish for taking your life. I am finding myself in my own depressed state. It has been very hard for me to motivate to get things done around the house and at school. A part of me is constantly sad. If you were here, I could ask you how to get through it. If you were here, I wouldn't have to be sad. Brian is starting to worry about me. But that's what Brian does. He takes care of the people he loves and he took care of you too. I know you know that, but you needed to TELL him that before you left us. I hate that a part of his heart is gone forever now. I know that he will heal to some extent, but he will also never be whole again. You left many people feeling that way.   

I love you and I hate that you're not around.

Gina

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Three days and counting

So in continuation to the last post, we got a call from our pediatrician on Monday saying that it looks like Natalie has Celiac Disease. We are waiting for a couple more tests, but we have already started her on a gluten free diet. She hasn't gotten sick since Saturday and since we have taken gluten out of her diet, she is starting to get that sparkle back in her eyes.
On top of finding out that news, the girls both developed a cold over the weekend, and after having low grade fevers for two nights, I decided to take today off and bring them into the doctors office. It turns out, both girls have ear infections in their right ears, and they both need to be on a nebulizer throughout the day. Natalie is needs it 2-3 times a day and Macie needs it every 4 hours until their coughs goes away.
I will say that even though everything above mentioned completely sucks, I love my kids doctors office. I'm not just talking about the pediatrician. I'm talking about Crystal who works at the front desk, LeeAnn, our pediatricians nurse, Amy, who used to be the nurse we saw and Rachel, the nurse practitioner who works at the clinic. They know the names of our girls and both Brian and I. They truly care about what is going on in our lives. An example of this is when I went in today, LeeAnn came out and told me that she was crying yesterday after hearing the news about Natalie. They care about the girls like they were their own and that means so much to us.
I also can't say enough about Maureen, Nattie and Macie's daycare lady. She treats the girls as if they were hers and as a working parent, that is exactly what I needed in a daycare provider. She wants as much information about the disease so that she can make Natalies life as normal as possible at daycare. Tonight we went to Valley Natural Food grocery store together to look for some food for Natalie.  She will also be coming with us to the nutricianist appointment we have in a few weeks. She has been such a blessing in our lives.
I am surrounded by family and friends that are so supportive and I truly appriciate everything people have done for us. Whether that be calling to find out about the girls or simply just thinking about them during the day. Your thoughts and prayers have been heard and we are so grateful. Thank you.

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Puke-O-Rama!

Nattie and Mamma

Like I said in the previous post, Natalie has been vomiting quite a bit in the past four weeks. She hasn't done it more than once in a day and until last week she barely got sick two days in a row. We couldn't figure out what it was. After she throws up she immediately wants to eat. Which made me think that it wasn't the flu. One night we were at my parents when she got sick and she barely got a breath in when she was finished and said, "I want fruit snacks Mamma!" And if I did give her anything afterwards, she could keep that down. Very strange, I know. She also was acting completely normal in between the vomiting sessions. We went to the Dr. and tried a few different things to see if she would stop. After two weeks of off and on vomiting, our pediatrician wanted some bloodwork and an Upper GI series done.

This is where being a parent sucks. Most likely Natalie will not remember any of these tests, but I will NEVER forget them. So far the hardest thing for me about being a Mom is when she has had to get blood taken or have a tube put up her nose and down her throat and she just looks at me like "Why are you letting them do this to me!" We all know that the small prick of a needle isn't really that bad, and the tube down her throat she couldn't even feel, but she's scared and screaming and I couldn't do anything to help her. In fact, having these things done to her was helping her, but how do you explain that to a 2 1/2 year old. Internal stuggles blow.
We found out that Nattie has a Grade 3 Reflux. This was suppose to explain the puking. Our Dr. put her on some medication that would help move the food through her stomach faster so that when she did reflux, she wouldn't have anything in her stomach to throw up. After 6 days on the medication, she continued to throw up. The medicine wasn't working. Crap. I knew that meant...more tests. Crap again. I would like to insert a more harsh curse word, but I want my rating to remain in the lower end of the scale. HeHe. We'll see how long that lasts.
We have made an appointment with MN Gastroenterology to see if they can figure out what is going on with my little baby's tummy. I can say that I love my pediatrician. He is being very proactive about what is going on with her and doesn't hang up on me when I am crying on the phone. On Friday the 18th, Brian and Jeanine took her back to Children's for an ultrasound and more bloodwork. I just couldn't go. One thing they are checking for is Celiac's Disease. It has to do with how her body processes gluten, if it is processing it at all. This is just one of the things that her symptoms are matching. I think our Dr. is trying to rule things out more than anything.
We should find out the results of some of the tests tomorrow. I'll let you know. Until then please keep Natalie in your prayers, like I know many of you already have been.

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2007...I'm kind of glad it's over

2007 was not the greatest year for us. I can say that we got a beautiful daughter at the start of it and that was a great way to begin. I can also say that we lost a wonderful friend, person, musician, poet, writer, and comedian at the end of it. If I had to compare it to something I think I would say we started at the top of a hill and rolled down until we crashed into a very large brick wall at the bottom.
Here we go...

• Feb. 7th, 2007 - Mom got the call from her Dr. confirming the fact that she had breast cancer. Not long after, I called her to let her know she had a third granddaughter.
• Macie was born on Feb. 7th, 2007 at 8:30pm. An hour and a half after arriving at the hospital. All's I can say is thank God for constipation!
• Feb. 18th, 2007 - My family, all except Chris (Sarah's husband), are over for dinner and Mom and Dad tell us that she was diagnosed with cancer.
• After having some more MRI's and talks with Dad and her doctors, Mom decided to have a mastectomy
• Mid-March Mom had her surgery and had a wonderful recovery.
• April - Brian and I got a 4 day weekend in San Diego thanks to Brian's work. We also started framing the basement for a bedroom and bathroom.
• May - We found out Beth was pregnant! YEAH! GOOD NEWS!
• June 28th, 2007 - I got PRK laser surgery on my eyes. I love technology.
• Beginning of July, Ida, Brian's Grandma, was in the hospital to have surgery. She had been in the hospital for most of the summer already.
• July 19th, after struggling to recover, Ida passed away.
• August started with an ear infection for Natalie. I thought for sure that we would be doing tubes by Nov. If I only knew what was to come...
• At a recheck for Natalie in the beginning of Sept. we were sent to the Children's ER for pneumonia. Her x-ray looked clean, but she still had areas of wheezing in her lungs. So, two shots of antibiotic in her thighs, and an oral antibiotic to take home, she was suppose to get better.
• Oct. 6th, 2007 - Brian takes the girls to the zoo and to his parents so that I can clean the house for Beth's shower on Sunday morning at 11:00. Brian had not been feeling all that great for a week or two and after coming home that night and looking at his throat, I convince him to go to urgent care. What we thought might have been strep throat turned out to be Mono. Did I mention that I was having family over to my house the NEXT DAY!
• Oct. 7th, 2007 - 2:30 in the morning I hear Casey messing around with something in our bedroom. After doing some investigating, his butt was bleeding. Ew. Blood streaks on the carpet and Casey in pain. Did I mention that I was having family over to my house TODAY with a dog that has an exploding butt and an infectious husband. Brian took Casey to an emergency vet early the next morning, which is not cheap, and spent the afternoon there.  
• Later in October Natalie still has wheezing and we get personal with a nebulizer.
• At Natalie's recheck a week later, Natalie sounds great but Macie is checked and we now must also use the nebulizer on her.
• Oct. 31st, 2007 - Macie develops a ver dry rash behind her ears.
• Throughout Nov. Macie's rash moves to her face, down her body and onto her arms. We go for bloodwork to see if she is allergic to anything. We also make an appointment with a Dermatologist.
• Dec. 1st, 2007 - we go to a dermatologist and find out Macie has eczema. We are told how to treat it and are also asked to participate in a study for infants with eczema. We would be compensated for the uncomfortable blood draws and the 5 weeks of check up visits, and we do not have to pay for the visits or medication.
• Dec. 3rd, 2007 - we sign Macie up for the study. She gets her blood drawn from her head. Yeah, you read that right. I really hate being a parent sometimes.
• Dec. 9th, 2007 - Rory comes over to hang out and I don't remember anything we talked about. I really wish I did.
• Dec. 15th, 2007 - Spambandits party and the last time I saw and hugged Rory.
• Dec. 19th, 2007 - 4:30 pm Brian walked into my classroom with a look and I new Rory was gone before he could even say it. Even with my mom having cancer this year, I can safely say that this day was the worst day of my life so far. I still have a lot of anger for some reason and want to write about that, but I don't quite know how to yet.
• Dec. 20th, 2007 - Brian and I go over to Paul and Karen's and continue on to Rory's appartment to do what we can to pick it up.
• Dec. 22nd, 2007 - Rory's funeral.
• Dec. 22nd, 2007 - Natalie vomits some time after dinner. This was the first time it happened and it will continue to this day, off and on, Jan. 19th, 2008.
• We made it though Christmas alright, but Natalie continued to get sick and Macie had some explosive diahrea.
• The week leading up to New Year's was the same. I wish I could say that 2008 started off better, but I can't.
  
  One of my favorite things that someone told me once, and I can't even remember who it was: You have to hit bottom so that you have something to push off of.  I am hoping that this is what 2008 is going to be like for me. We are still at the bottom and I am gasping for air from day to day. Hopefully soon we will be able to push off and have a year filled with healthy family, friends and nothing but good news.
  
  I can say that I have learned an awful lot about myself...more of that to come.
     

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And it's another girl!

Congratulations Beth and Luke!

Chloe Jean

Jan. 19, 2008

1:53 am

6 lbs. 1 oz.

19.5 in.

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In a time of tears, there's Nattie

This last week has been the worst week I have had since Brian came and told me about Rory. There is much more detail about that to come but I have to write down this story before I forget the details.
This last month has been enormously overwelming because of Rory's death and because of the girls health. Macie has had off and on diarhea and Natalie has been throwing up off and on for about three weeks now. She knows when it is going to happen and will often tell us so. It's really quite useful and we usually make it to the bathroom which really saves the carpet and furniture. Again, I will give more detail about that soon. Friday night she threw up again after being on some medication and shortly after,while bathing Macie, I lost it. I had one of those uncontrollable cries. Deep, sobs that make it hard to catch your breath.
I went to my room and Natalie followed me asking repeatedly, "Mama, what's wrong? What's wrong Mama?" in that kind of voice that is so sincear and sweet you could just melt. I picked her up on my bed and she lovingly held onto me like I was holding on to her. I think she even stroked my hair a few times.
She then asked me if I wanted to read a book. She did this because on the rare occasion she has difficulty separating from me when I drop her off at daycare, the older girls always grab a book and read with her because she loves that and it gets her mind off of me leaving. As she was going to get us a book and I was trying to get a grip, she reached up her special animal and said, "Mama, here! Here's Lamby. You can cuddle Lamby Mama. Here, you can take him."
She went and got us a book to read and half way through she asked again what was wrong. This is about how the conversation went...
Nattie: "Mama, what's wrong?"
Me: "Mama's heart hurts honey."
Nattie: "What did Macie do?" I think she asked what Macie did to me because when I started crying I was in the bathroom with Macie.
Me: "Macie didn't do anything. Mama is just sad honey. Mama's heart hurts and she's worried about your tummy. Do you know where your heart is?"
Nattie: "Yeah."
Me: "Where?" Natalie then pointed to her chest, then pointed to my chest. "That's right honey. That's where Mama hurts right now."
Nattie: "Oh. Do you need to puke?"
Seriously, there was nothing in this world that could have put a smile on my face faster.

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10 Interesting Things About Me

So I thought this was going to take a lot longer, but once I got rolling, it wasn't so bad.
Thank you Jon. Here we go...

1. I can curl my tongue into three loops. I can also twist it around both ways and if you ask Shane, I can also clean my forehead if need be after meals; just like Scooby-Doo.
   
   
   

   Scooby-doo
2. Since fourth grade I have known that I wanted to be a teacher. Since I made that decision, I have never strayed from it or doubted that teaching was what I wanted to do with my life.
3. My dad nicknamed me Gypsy Woman when I was little and it stuck. (Hence the address of the blog). Both of my sisters have nicknames as well, and still get called them from time to time, but mine is the only one that gets consistantly used by my dad and other members of the extended family. I don't know how he came up with it though. I do know that he used to change the words to "Pretty Woman" to "Gypsy Woman" and would make me cry because for some reason I hated it. 
   

   Roy Orbison
   
   
4. I love the smell of fresh cut grass, rain, and Brian's face after he shaves. I hate the smell of the Koch Refinery and the wormy smell after it rains.
5. Brian picked me up for our first date at 6:30 pm on Aug. 21, 2001 in a beautiful black convertible. I knew by the end of the date at 3:30 am on Aug. 22, 2001 that I was going to marry him.
    
   

   Beegees2
   
   
6. I am the sterotypical "guy" in my marrage, excluding emotional breakdowns and dealing with the girls.
7. I have a grey comforter that I used in college that I would rather cuddle with some nights instead of Brian. I call him Grey and Brian hates him.
8. I have been blessed with my father's metabolism, pin-head and wit, my Grandpa Snyder's stubborness, and none of my Grandma Luskey's talent for sewing and painting. I have my mother's opionions and belief that everything happens for a reason. Also, after an arguement we had when I was a teenager, she wished me three beautiful daughters. I'm two-thirds of the way there. Thanks Mom. 
   

   Nattie and Macie
   
   
9. My hair has never been longer than my chin.
10. I will drink Diet Coke warm, cold or anywhere in between. I affectionately call it "The sweet nector of life."
    

    Diet coke
    
    
    Molly this is the second time you have been tagged for this topic. You better do it.
    I also want to tag Sarah. Good Luck!

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What is this world coming to?

Yes. This is me, actually writing in my blog.

And, yes, I hate you Sarah.

I was on the phone with my sister Sarah last night discussing all of the yuck that is going on with Natalie's health right now and we started to talk about Facebook and Vox. She was so happy that I finally accepted her as a friend in Facebook. Brian made me set up that account in the first place because he thought we were going to use it to share pictures with friends and family. We then decided to go with Shutterfly instead. So since that decision, I have not logged on to Facebook. As it turns out I had a bunch of people inviting me to be their friend on that website. Who knew?

My excuse as to why I don't go to Facebook...I just don't have time. I also don't even think about checking that site when I do have a minute at school. Sarah's response to this..."You're going to be just like mom."

Mother

I love my mother. She's always there when I need her, she calms me down when I get overwhelmed, and all the other things you want your mom to be. If I turn out to be half the mom she is, I will be proud. But I also know all the things about her that annoy me. And when your sister says that you are going to turn out like her in that particular tone of voice, there is something inside of me that screams "I AM NOT!"

So Sarah, here you go. I am going to try this. Everyone please be aware that when I try anything new, it normally lasts two weeks tops. I also have an enourmous fear of other people reading what I write, but that's another blog. HA! Not to mention this wonderful techy husband of mine who does a great job bloggin' about our lives, so who knows what I will find to write about.

We'll see...

 

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