And I Don't Wanna Let It Go

Dear Rory,

The letters are coming few and far between. It's been more than a year since the last one. I have been putting this off for a while now. Throughout this last summer you have been haunting my thoughts. Popping up here and there without warning and I have to say, it's not always sad, but it isn't always happy.

We had the group over in July to say goodbye to Bob and Elena, and I caught myself imagining what you would be doing if you were there. Playing 500 with the guys, having deep conversations with the kids, complaining that we didn't have music playing. I really wanted you there.

We got to see Paul and Karen this summer at their new place. It is beautiful. It has been so long since we have seen them and I was glad we were able to meet up. I was so excited to see them and when Karen came out to hug me...I just cried. Well, so did she. This odd mixture of happiness and sadness. I think we could see it in each other. We both needed that hug.

Life continues to move on and to be honest, I'm not quite sure how to feel about you anymore. Grateful that I knew you, angry with your death, devastated at the thought of never getting to talk to you again. Memories about you aren't as painful as they used to be, but the dark cloud of sadness isn't far behind as the memories fade.

I wish the girls could have spent time with you. Natalie is such an amazing kid. If anyone could convince you that you were worth loving it would be her. Macie would benefit from your lessons on charm, although at this point it would just be tips. And Evie, she would pour over comics with you all day. You would have enjoyed them and they would have loved you.

Grief, sadness, memories, time. I just have to continue to navigate through it. I do believe things will get better, but I will never let you go.

I miss you.
I still wish you were here.
Gina

Baby #3 Turns 4!

Just after your 3rd birthday

Around Christmas time. Your hair was so long!

Just after your 4th birthday. Little Stinker.

Dear Evie Marie,

I should start by apologizing that this post is a week late. We had our church musical during your birthday week and this year was the first year you were able to participate. Being busy with that isn't a real excuse why I haven't gotten this blog done sooner, but it is the truth.

You are four. It is so hard to believe. I want to remember you as one and two and three, but it's difficult. I know you as four and you are quite an amazing character. When people meet you one of the first things they notice is your eyes. I know I have mentioned them in previous posts, but you have recently come up with why they look the way they do. They are blue with gold in the middle. If asked, or if we ask you to tell people about your eyes, you will say, "God sprinkled gold in them. He told me that and he always tells me the truth." Well, ok then. Who is going to argue with that? The next thing people notice is your size. You are a tall little girl taking after Daddy's side of the family. I'm sure that you will surpass your sisters in height at some point in the not so distant future. You can also be shy, but once comfortable, look out! You will talk anyone's ear off and some of the things you come up with are just hilarious.

Here are some things Daddy and I have noticed about you over the past year...

• You like to be called "dude." Daddy started calling you Dude a little while ago and whenever he calls you by your name you casually say, "Dad, you can call me Dude if you want to." Oh. Ok. Thanks Dude. 
• You love the Minnesota Zoo...like, really love it. You ask almost every day if we can go so you can see the snake, the sharks and the crocodiles. They are not scary to you because you know that they are behind the glass and cannot get out. You love the crocodiles the most. You now have three toy crocodiles that you likes to sleep with. Their names are Pete, Super and Walter. Yup. If anyone should go into your room, they should be prepared. You have also made friends with a raccoon statue outside of the Minnesota Trail. We sometimes sit by him and eat a snack and you have decided that he is your buddy and that you love him. If you ever want to go to the zoo, they should bring you along. It will be an adventure. If anyone gets scared, don't worry...you will hold their hand.
• In your three year old blog post, I wrote about how much you love The Hulk. The love of The Hulk continues, but it has spread to all superheros and villains. You know more about the Marvel characters than anything else, mostly because some friends of ours got you a 100 Marvel Superhero Character book. You have your favorites, but you know all about The Hulk, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Iron Man, Spider Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Wolverine, Thor, Loki, Black Widow, Rocket Raccoon, Odin, The Thing, Falcon, Ant Man and Wasp just to name a few. It should also be noted that you have a special place in your heart for villains. Whenever we are watching a movie or reading a book you pick out the bad guy and name him/her as your favorite. Maybe you know they need some love too.
• You had your second set of tubes put in this year as well as your adenoids taken out. This last winter was rough on your ears. You had 5 infections in 4 months and it was recommended that we do surgery. Our ENT was great. I asked a lot of questions and he was very reasonable. The fluid in your ears was just not draining, but my hope was that since the weather was getting nicer, things would get better and we wouldn't have to do surgery. We waited a couple of weeks to see what would happen and in that time we realized how much you couldn't hear anything we were telling you. The volume on the car radio had to be turned way up and if we were talking to you, we had to make sure you were looking at us so that you could understand what we were trying to tell you. Well, we went through with the surgery and I am so glad we did. Your ears were filled with thick mucus and your adenoids were large and swollen. Surgery was the right thing to do. Everything after that day was LOUD! Radios and the TV had to be turned down, toilets had to be flushed once you left the bathroom, you ran inside when I hit the garage door button. It was all too loud for you. Overall, you are just a happier kid since the day of surgery.
• We decided to put all three of you into swim lessons this summer. Grandma and Papa take you to the Y to swim and you love it, but you never had formal lessons. Well, it turns out, you are a fish. You LOVE swim lessons. You had no fear and did whatever your teacher asked you to do. You also caught on to techniques really fast. You can float on your back, swim underwater, dive for rings, swim more than 5 feet on your own, and jump in all by yourself. The best day was when your teacher threw 4 rings into the water and you took a deep breath, dove under and came up with all 4 on your arm. Amazing. We then went up to Brainard to spend some time with Nick, Carrie and the kids at a water park. You didn't want to leave the pool. You were a maniac! You swam for almost 3 hours straight. In the big pool, the lazy river (not using a tube of course but just letting the current take you around and around while you swam underwater), and down the water slides. You can't wait for your next session of lessons to learn more. 
• I have a cousin, Shane, that lives in Canada. We don't get to see him often, but when he is in town, he makes a point to come and see all of us. Over the past year, you have had an odd fascination with him. After his last visit, you talked about him constantly. "Is Shane coming over? What is Shane's favorite color? Can we go see Shane? Does Shane live really far away? I want to take Shane to the zoo." For a while you wouldn't take any pictures when we went places. The only way I could get you to pose is to say that I would send it to Shane. He's your best guy. Then, you got a rubber snake. It's black, yellow and orange. Can you guess what you named him? Yup. Shane. 

My baby...you are one of a kind. You make me laugh and you make me crazy, but I wouldn't change one thing about you. You are kind, independent, strong willed, loving, determined, and unique. I can't wait to see what you have in store for us over the next year.

I love you My Monster.
Mommy.

Baby #1 Turns 9!

The summer after your 8th birthday. You spent the summer being a butterfly whisperer. 

In the middle of the winter that would not end. I can start to see the adult you are going to look like someday.

Beauty. And I'm not talking about your physical characteristics. 

Dear Natalie Louise,

I'm not even sure how to start this letter. You continue to grow up and you continue to amaze me. I ask myself regularly, "How did we get so lucky?" You have been Mommy and Daddy's guinea pig. Our experiment. We have tried so many parenting techniques on you and you remain patient with us in letting us think we know what we are doing. You are our most easy going child and for that, I want to say, thank you. Here is what we have noticed about you in the last year. 

• You have freckles! I don't know if you can see them in that last picture, but they are the most adorable thing ever. I hope they never go away and I hope you love them as much as I do.
• School continues to be a challenge for you, but these past two years you have had the most amazing teachers help to encourage you and challenge you when necessary and it has made all the difference. At our second conference with your 3rd grade teacher he showed us the incredible gains you have made this last year and all of us were so proud of you. I made sure to stop by to see your 2nd grade teacher as well. She was thrilled. You are such a hard worker when it would just be easier for you to quit. You continue to try everyday at school and we are so proud of you.
• At this same conference with your teacher, we learned that you had befriended the boy in your class with autism. Your teacher often sat you next to him as a good role model for some behaviors and you kindly helped him catch up when he came back from being out of class with his other teachers. More important than grades and test scores, this kind of behavior matters to us. That you are a good, kind and caring person...and Natalie, you are. 
• One of your strengths is empathy. Like mother, like daughter. You don't worry about many things but when you do, it usually has to do with if someone else is going to be ok. Evie Monster had to have a second set of tubes put in and her adenoids taken out this year. From the moment you heard surgery, your eyes filled with anxiety for your sister. Was she going to be ok? Was it going to hurt her? Was she going to have to have a needle in her arm? All of the unknowns just about killed you. And it's the same when we watch movies. If someone is being bullied or hurt, you can't watch. I just don't think your heart can take it. 
• You continue to be a gymnast. If there is an open space, we can be sure that you will be doing a cartwheel. You are constantly tumbling. You stayed in the community ed gymnastics program all year and by this last session, you finally made it to the advanced class. You also participated in track again this year. You really wanted to do softball, but I convinced you to do track one more year by being an assistant coach. Long distance is your thing. You would rather run a 400m than a sprint any day. Your long jump got much better along with your baseball throws. Next year you can give softball a try. 
• You got your own room this year. You really like it during the day to lock your sisters out, but I think you would still prefer to sleep with someone else in the room. It was a little bit of a transition for you but now you have gotten the hang of it. If only it would stay picked up....
• In August, we had to put our awesome dog, Casey, to sleep. He was sick and nothing we did helped him get better. Of the three of you girls, you will have more memories of him and his death affected you the most. In the months following, not having a dog in the house was difficult for all of us and you talked about Casey a lot. What you missed about him, the things you remembered that he used to do...it was apparent that we needed to do something until we were ready for another dog. So, for Christmas, Beth and Luke got you all you needed for hermit crabs. You got 2, Flounder and Sebastian, and read up on how to take care of them. Unfortunately, Flounder didn't last long, but Sebastian is still kickin'! By March we got a new dog and all seems to be right in our house again.
• We had a check up this year at your GI and after chatting and some blood work, you continue to thrive on your gluten free diet. We also decided that this was the year to tackle school lunches for you. Macie had the option to eat one hot lunch a week and you wanted to as well. So after talking with the district about options for you and meeting with the food service coordinators, you have been able to have gluten free hot lunches at school. We also learned that next year they will have a complete gluten free menu each month for you to choose from so that will be pretty great!

Natalie, you are a kind, creative, generous 9 year old who loves to draw, read about sharks, play with friends, watch Disney movies, snuggle, craft and play house with your sisters. You are growing up fast, but I am trying to enjoy it. Continue to be you. You are so, very, good at it. 

I will love you forever,

Mommy.

Baby #2 Turns 7!

Just after your 6th birthday. This is your surprised face...in case you couldn't tell.

What are we going to do with you? You are beautiful.

Here you are. 7 years old. Wow.

My Lovely Macie,

It's your golden birthday. 7 on the 7th. Amazing. 7 years ago, I thought you were going to be born in Daddy's VW Passat Wagon. We were only in the hospital for an hour and a half, and two pushes later, you were here. You were so tiny at 6 lbs 3 oz. but your eyes, well, they were just as big as they are now. For so long I thought you looked like a little alien because of your large, deep blue eyes. But, you grew and like your older sister, became a chubby, content baby. This past year you have grown a lot too. You are reading, love to write in your journal and have made some new friends. Here are some things that your Daddy and I have noticed about you this past year. 

• The most obvious physical change is your front teeth. They started to stick out in December and get loose. By January, they were both gone. Like your other teeth, you pulled them both out and used your tooth fairy money to buy a Barbie. Your new teeth have started to come in and I can't wait to see what your smile will look like.
• You joined dance this year and you love it. You love the outfit the most, but the dancing is really fun too. The program is laid back and fun and you have already learned three dances. Considering how nervous you get about new situations or even getting on the bus; you walked right out in front of A LOT of people and did your dance like it was nobody's business. 
• You love to dress up. High heels, earrings, necklaces, and outfits. You put together some really unique and fun outfits some days and other days, you want to dress entirely in one color. The other thing about clothes for you is that they have to "feel" right. If there is a tag or a seam in the wrong place or where you can feel it, you will not wear that piece of clothing. Some pants and shirts get worn over and over. Other stuff that is really cute, never gets worn. 
• Without really knowing it, you always look out for your sisters. If we are in Target and Natalie isn't keeping up, you yell for her or grab her to come with us. I think this position in our family suits you well, even if it is frustrating at times. Evie does not like listening to you. She would much rather get direction from Natalie, but when she is really in a bind, you are there for her. Always. 
• Like your mother, you have grown to like The Muppets. I'm not sure if you have picked a favorite yet, but you love when Miss Piggy comes on and gets all sassy and crazy. Grandma got you The Original Muppet Movie for your birthday and I think your favorite part is the very beginning when Kermit sings the Rainbow Connection. You can sing the whole thing. It's adorable and I couldn't be more proud.
• Your sense of humor has taken a turn toward the sarcastic. You pick up on Mommy and Daddy's jokes and respond faster than we would expect you to. Sometimes it catches us off guard. When asked "Have you seen Daddy?" Your response is something like, "I don't know. I think he went to Vegas." Or, "Where did your food go?" after eating dinner..."I dropped it on the floor and Nugget ate it." Um, ok. Hilarious. 

The day you were born is one of the days I relive in my mind many times throughout the year. I can remember what I was doing in my classroom and how I felt. I remember the contractions as I lay on the couch and every one of them that I had in the car on the way to the hospital. After you were born my recovery was very quick. I was up and out of bed like I hadn't just given birth. The days and years to come have kind of been the same; memorable and sort of painful, but we are both very quick to recover from whatever situation we are in. You have filled our lives with color and joy. Happy birthday my wonderful middle child. We love you so much.

Mommy.

A Birthday Post for Me

33 is not old. Most days I don't feel old. I look around me and see my husband and 3 lovely girls and think, "How did you all get here?" Many days it is very surreal. I love my life and it is amazing to me to have the people around me that I do.

For as long as I can remember, my birthdays have started the same. My dad, singing "Happy Birthday" slow and Elvis style. Instead of "Gina" he always sings "Gypsy Woman." The years I was living at home he would bring us flowers as well. This morning was no different. I answer the phone, "Good morning Daddy" and the singing begins without even a hello. I love him.

Last year, I got an amazing gift. My niece was born on my birthday. She has my middle name and I am completely smitten with her. She is full of life, love and personality even as a one year old. Her eyes can melt the hardest of hearts and I cannot wait to celebrate her every year of her life. 

In 33 years of life I have experienced much more than I ever thought I would.

Love 

Joy

Saddness 

Heartbreak

Depression

Contentment

I think back on my life and at the person I once was and the person I have become. The people that have changed me...for better and for worse. The decisions I have made, good and bad, that have molded and shaped my personality and my outlook on life. 

My family. Friends. Church. Work. We are in a constant state of cause and effect and every year I am alive, I think I realize this more and more. All of these things continuously help me to grow and change, and everyday I am so thankful. 

So, Happy Birthday to me. I am loving the person I have become and look forward to the days ahead of me.