I think the one thing about parenting that takes my breath away more than anything is when you see yourself, like who you are as a person, show up in your child. Pieces of who you are in another human being. Every time it happens with my girls, I am baffled, confused...sometimes really happy, and other times pretty upset.
I have three girls. I wouldn't want it any other way. I need those girls. Like air and water. I need them. They are so completely different and yet made up of the same things. I wonder at times if it is more difficult for Brian to see himself in the girls simply because of their gender, but I know he sees himself just the same.
Guilt. I have guilt because I started writing the girls letters on their birthdays on this blog and the last time I wrote a letter was a year ago. I have missed Macie and Evie's birthday letters and here I am writing the night before Natalie turns 11. Inward. Why do we turn inward when it has nothing to do with us. I feel guilty. I feel old. Have I really been a mom for 11 years? Well, it is about me and my journey with this lovely family I have. But it is so much about them and our time together because, man, it is so short.
The motivation tonight is Natalie. My oldest. My creative, artistic, kind, animal and child loving girl. She was in tears tonight. Why? Because she doesn't want to grow up. And of course, my thought is "I did this. I made her feel this was. I kept telling her that I don't want her to get older." Inward. Fault. Hindsight.
She seems nervous about going to middle school, (who wouldn't be...eek) and has been saying lately here and there that she doesn't want to get older. She doesn't want to grow up. Tonight it all came out in tears and sadness and worry. She wants to continue to play with the little kids. She wants to play dress up and make believe and not feel like she shouldn't be doing those things because she is getting older. Sigh. This girl.
This is also the girl who in the last month has been asking more and more questions about her body and make-up and cell phones. I think she is struggling with being ok with her childlike heart and having to defend it if necessary. No matter what, she has to be ok with who she is and what she wants to do with her time and that is what I told her. I never seem to mind much what other people think of me. But that is who I am. She cares more about what others think and that makes this difficult.
I understand that what I am writing is a string of thoughts that are disjointed and yet somewhat connected. But, I think it is just what I needed to say tonight. I have an 11 year old who has children follow her around the playground because she draws them in, much like what I did as a child. I have an 11 year old who wants to grow up and yet...doesn't. I have an 11 year old who is emotional and hormonal. Eek. I have an 11 year old who is the first in her family (immediate and extended) to be experiencing these things. She doesn't have someone to look at and see how they handle growing up. She is the oldest and she has 10 younger kids (that's just talking about our family...not to mention the neighbors and other families we are close to with young kiddos) that she is very close to watching her to see how she handles it. I'm so glad they have her and she will be able to help them if they need it.
So, what's the plan? The plan is that tomorrow will come. Natalie will turn 11. And it will be another day. And she will be her. And I will cuddle her and love her for her heart and not her age. Because isn't that what we all kinda want? I do.
